Back On!

Unless the something conspires against me tomorrow (and at this point, i'm not feeling too good about my odds)...

Nipples are getting pierced!!!!

only because i have a kick-ass babysitter.

Limit

lim·it; noun; a point or level beyond which something does not or may not extend or pass.

i have hard limits.  No urophilia or coprophilia.  No medical play.  No blood, needles, or knives.  No feet (it’s a thing, i don’t like people putting their feet on me or touching other people’s feet).  No fisting.  No hoods.  Fortunately, Master is completely fine with my hard limits (well, i’m sure he’d love to make me worship his feet or give him a foot massage as a punishment given my silly phobia…i’m not stupid, that’s why it’s a hard limit.)

Then there are soft limits.  Things that i’m not comfortable with yet, or i am not comfortable being surprised with.  i know Master wants to involve other people and while i will gladly be with another woman, i hesitate at having to suck or fuck another man’s cock.  Going to a sex club is one i’m trying to work up to.  It’s not the going; it’s the participating.  Public exhibition also makes me very skittish.  The risk of being caught isn’t really a turn on for me, it’s more of an aversion, and so it’s something that I’ll have to work through in order to do something of the things that He wants.  Fuck machines and some of the more extended and extreme bondage i need to work up too as well.

There’s probably a few more i haven’t even thought of yet.  i expect Master to test me and push me until these aren’t soft limits anymore.  i want Him to.  i think i need to get used to TTWD in practice first.  When we were going over them, i felt bad that i had these limits.  i don’t want to hold back, deny Him any pleasure or fantasy that He desires.  i want to completely trust in Him and just let go and allow Him to lead me.

Baby steps.

One, a rather simple one, is posting pictures of myself.  i worry about what would happen if someone found them.  Not that i’m ashamed of TTWD.  Just that i feel like our family and friends wouldn’t understand.  We don’t have too many kinky friends (something that must be corrected).  Master wants to be able to show off my body.  Since we first started talking about this blog, before i even wrote my first post, i balked at posting pictures.  i asked for time to figure out how to do it in a way that i felt protected me and still gave Him what he wanted.  When i realized the other day, how at peace i was with my submission, i also realized that i was ready to take this first step.

A small one…(breathe)

Best laid plans

Major disappointment today.

Got a babysitter for the hooligans kids to have some “adult” time.

Goals…

• New jeans as the one pair i own is currently falling off my ass.
•  More workout clothes since i’m trying to go to the gym every day instead of 3 times a week.
• Enjoy some peaceful, child-free window shopping.
• Get nipples pierced! (Primary reason for the sitter, Master is really excited that i want to do this.  i love piercings in general: have several in my ears; also tongue, navel, and hood.)

Achieved…

• New jeans for shrinking ass…hello size 10, haven’t seen you in *cough* 2 years *cough*.
• More workout clothes
• Peaceful, window shopping...ahhhh

Pull up to my tattoo parlor of choice to see my piercer, and they’re closed!  3 hours early even though their Facebook page said they’d be there till 8.  Fuck!  I spent the entire weekend steeling myself for poking holes in my nipples.  Fuck! i wasted spent $40 on a sitter.  Oh, well, try again next weekend.  Hope my sitter’s free.

Peace

i feel at peace with my submission…it feels right in a way that i wouldn’t have thought possible.  Really?  you?  100% snarky smartass control freak is completely at peace letting her husband have complete control over her body, her mind, and sexual experience?  You’re ok with calling Him Master or Sir?  Not to mention kneeling in front of Him in obedience, deference, and respect.  Me from 5 years ago would have dragged the submissive me kicking and screaming by the hair out of here.  Me from 5 years ago wanted kinky, naughty, dirty, mind-blowing sex…but she wanted to be in control of her orgasms.  Giving up control, letting a man or a woman be in charge was not in the cards.  No way, no how.

What a change.  What a discovery. 

i know it’s easy right now because He’s not here.  i know the real test is when He comes home and TTWD actually becomes TTWD.  No longer words on a page, a list of rules and a contract, but an actual life lived in practice.  Completely certain that my smart ass mind and mouth are going to get me punished.  Certain my pussy will enjoy it while the rest of my body screams in protest.   Perfection isn’t a requirement, just a willingness to learn and grow.

One of the reasons that i’m at peace; from a conversation with Him…

 We build to it. I’m not going to walk in the door and expect that we can act like we have been doing this for years. We know what we want. We know the expectations, but we have to learn more. I have to learn everything about what makes you tick and cum; the subtle differences in tone, mannerism, and words. you have to do the same. It won’t always work. Sometimes we will hurt or frustrate the other. But it’s all for the end goal of building to a better togetherness, mind blowing orgasms and unbelievable intimacy. I don’t expect the world on day 1, only the chance to start laying the bricks to build it.

Weekend recap...a little late, oops

            While the long distance thing definitely puts a damper on TTWD, there are occasions that make it all worth it.  This weekend was definitely one of them.  I got a rare chance to have some “face to face” time with my Master, courtesy of video chat.  After a couple months of emails and chat messaging, it was wonderful to be able to see Him and to serve Him in a small way.

            Usually i make masturbation videos to send to Him so that He can enjoy watching me.  The videos also allow Him to train me in a variety of ways.  He sends me instructions, i follow them, butthen he has to wait for the videos.  So this was definitely a treat to be able receive instructions live and for Him to be able to watch me!  Not to mention being able to see my Master’s cock which i have greatly missed.

            i have never before been much of an exhibitionist; or much of a voyeur.  Maybe it’s part of the changes that i feel i’m going through as i submit, but i have found myself enjoying making the videos for my Master.  This weekend’s experience took it to a whole new level.  Seeing Him watching on the laptop while i stripped to Robin Thicke’s “Give It to You” was a turn on that i didn’t expect.  Masturbating for him while i watched Him stroke His cock was even better.  He made me wait and hold off my orgasm until i was begging, tears in my eyes, my body completely tensed up trying to hold it back.  But when He finally gave His permission, i exploded with such intensity.

            These are the moments that make it all worth it.  i am so excited for the opportunity for a “face to face”.  Even more excited for Master to return home.  Spring seems too long away.

Working out the details...

            The last two days have yielded awesome conversations (since that’s basically all we have) about TTWD… or will do… if He ever gets home.  We have been trying to make sure that we are on the same page about what my submission looks like.  He has His expectations.  i have my expectations.  He has His needs, wants, and desires.  i have to figure out just how far i am willing to go. (note to self – finish Yes-No-Maybe list!).

            Currently, my submission is not 24/7.  We have kids and i have a career; i even manage our finances.  i am not sure that i am mentally ready to submit in all facets of my life.  i believe that this is what i want to work towards eventually, but i still feel like there are areas where i need to be on equal footing with my husband…mainly where our kids are concerned.

            About a month ago, we worked up a contract.  Since then, we’ve discussed a lot of changes to TTWD and now it needs to be completely reworked.  Mostly, i’ve decided that i want to submit more, in more ways, more often, and give up more control.  This blows His mind.  But makes Him very happy, and makes me very happy.   Luckily, (or unfortunately), we’ve got plenty of time to get everything write before He gets home and we start living it.

            In addition to the contract, we’re working on House Rules…more like scarlet’s Rules, things that i will or won’t do as part of my submission.   i am really excited about them.  Some will start as soon as He gets home; some will be added in the following months as we settle into our new life.  We figure we will have re-evaluate after a month and see what stays or goes…what looks good on paper, might not actually work in practice.  It’s a jumbled mess right now, but i’ll add it once i get it sorted out.