Here's what i've been up to

• 3 classes…never-ending homework...only ONE week left in this term! (cue “Eye of the Tiger”).

you can thank me for the earworm later

• 3 kids…toddler who never stops teething or tearing my house apart & too many snow days for the older two

• Crappy ass winter weather …i think it has a small impact on my bad mood. i need sun and warmth.  i like snow, but i want it to come and be gone the next day.  Though it did provide for some naughty picture fun.

• More drama than i care for with my volunteer work…counting the days till i can resign.  i hate that i feel that way about it because it’s something that should matter, but the people that are supposed to support the program don’t and have made my job so unbearable that i help the people i can help and that’s about it.

• A very nice reminder of my bat shit crazy mother…so fun

• Making arrangements for Master to get home and our move later this year.  Trying to declutter the house in preparation.  I’ve got a few hours for that, right? ha.

In between this overwhelming schedule that is real life…i struggled (a lot) with TTWD.  There were good days.  There were great days.  Then, the rollercoaster would come over the top of the hill and plunge at a blinding rate of speed to the bottom.  Probably explains the nauseous feeling i had those days and the adrenalin from the really good days.

The more i wanted to submit, the more i wanted to give over to Him to control, the more i hit stumbling blocks. i came to the realization that my biggest issue is that when i am stressed about anything not related to TTWD (kids, college, money, etc)  and Master starts to push, to rub the rough edges of my submission trying to sand them down, i rebel against the “sandpaper”.  Doesn’t matter the “grit” either.  And some of them were things that shouldn’t have been an issue. 

i was letting my stress spill over into my submission.  i suppose the argument could be made that this is one instance where a wall would be a good thing.  It’s hard to be submissive when you’ve had the toddler screaming at you all day, throwing toys in your lap at your head because he wants your attention, and you’re trying to be a wanton whore via Facebook.  Master is asking if something turns me on…fuck no, your child just threw his sippy cup at my head  yes, sir, my pussy is very wet.  Couple hours of that and i’m in tears, huge ball of stress, and by the time the kid goes down for a nap and i have to step up my game…the sandpaper comes out…fuck.

Mistakes were made.  i lashed out.  i got defensive and disrespectful.  I forgot my place.  We slipped back into some old arguing habits from before TTWD; things got nasty a couple of times.  i notice a few big differences though.  One that made me laugh (only afterwards) and that is that He might get to say the mean and nasty things he wants; i don’t.  So He’s calling me a bitch and a cunt (and not in the ways that make me wet) and i’m calling Him sir instead of asshole.  Not to say that i wasn’t pointed or heated with my words, just not as vicious.  I guess that’s progress.  More like self-preservation, lol.  My anger, temper, and frustration would subside almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth and i realized that i’d triggered His displeasure.  The guilt at being out of step with Him was a knife that cut deep, the words He used to remind me that i was not where i needed to be only made it worse.  Remember those issues from my childhood?  Yeah, tell me that i’m never going to good enough after i’ve fucked up really badly.  i’ve never spent so much time crying.

Rollercoaster remember?  We had the low times, but we had some really great conversations, mostly planning.  i’ve gotten some new toys to play with and had some very fun training sessions that i may one day get a chance to share.  Though at this point, i might have to go back and review my videos (GASP!) to help me remember.  I can watch through my fingers right?  i’m learning to trust Master more and with that trust comes this overwhelming desire to submit more and give Him more.  i redid my limits again for Him and changed quite a few things.  There are some areas that i thought were off limits that i want to explore more when he gets home, that we’ve talked about in a fantasy sense via email in ways that have turned us both on thus far.  It both excites and scares me how much i’m turned on by some of my and His darker fantasies.  And my willingness to trust Him enough to change my mind and allow Him to push my boundaries and test my limits on things that i would have never considered even a few months ago when we started this journey.

So in looking forward, i know that while i will probably continue to struggle with balancing my stress and my submission, there are so many other things to look forward to in the next couple of months.  My final two classes and then finishing my degree!  Making preparations for Master’s return.  i’ve got a countdown app on my phone counting down the number of days…under 60!  We will have His first night home away from the kids, just us.  And then a weekend getaway the following weekend to a cabin.  So many other little things to get ready, the house cleaned, outfits for the kids, special presents, etc.  These things have me amped up with excitement and anticipation but also keep me grounded.

Less than two months!

Dom Questions #1

Sin over at finding my submission has provided a series of Dom Questions for us submissives/slaves to ask our Doms/Masters.  You can read more about it here and find links to some of the responses here.  i asked Master if He would like to participate and this is his answer to the first question:

What does your submissive's submission mean to you?

This question is a paradox, because the answer is very complex, yet very simple. The complex answer is that your submission is very important to the couple that we have become. We do not live in a world that lends itself in any way to our chosen lifestyle, even presenting hazards along the way. So your submission is more that just a simple power exchange with me. It is a choice we make, and a risk that you take, just as much as I do, because this is what you need, as much as I do, for our love to grow and our relationship to be successful.

your submission gives me purpose in not only our marriage, but in our life, that I never knew could exist. It motivates me to be as good of a Master, husband and father as I can possibly be. My professional life has been the focus of how we build our life for the 7 years that we have been together. Having TTWD become an engrained part of who we are has shifted that. My profession is no longer the driving factor in how we conduct our lives, but rather the one that supports the way we now choose to live.

your submission gives me hope, joy, and intense emotional closeness that, to this point, you and I had never been able to share. All of that is the very complex, long way of saying the simpler thing:

your submission is EVERYTHING to me, and I love you more every single day of this journey, and I never want it to end.

i don't know about you...

but i could use a little lot of this!

Submissive's Prayer

This might be my new meditation every morning....it's been a rough couple of weeks.

Open windows

i am not an exhibitionist.  i am not turned on by the thrill of exposure or the possibility of getting caught.

However, something that i’m slowly learning is that part of my submission involves doing things because my Master enjoys them.  Or He enjoys having me do them.  it doesn’t necessarily have to be my kink, but i get pleasure from the pleasure He gets from it. That makes sense right?

Exhibition freaks me the fuck out.  It makes me nervous, my heart races, my chest tightens, and i have a big issue with getting enjoyment from it.  For the most part, we’ve agreed to put a lot of it on the back burner till He gets home.

But the other day, i was hanging out in the living room masturbating with the magic wand on my pussy while we were chatting.  He brought me right to edge and He was pushing to see just how far i was willing to go to be allowed to cum.  Would i open the blinds?  A purely hypothetical question on his part and all He was looking for was “Yes Master, your whore would do anything.”

Well, i wanted to impress Him and push myself and be willing to actually do it so i asked a question about what he meant by facing the window.  In my mind, it was a purely reasonable question.  Could i open the blinds, but stay on the couch 5 feet away?  Or was He meaning that He would want me to be standing in front of the window?  Big difference right?

Totally blew up in my face.  He thought i was too far in my head and He plugged the plug on the whole thing and i was left on the edge and grumpy all afternoon.  Sucks when you can’t get your point across with just words on a screen.  Though that was the afternoon before this so i guess the night made up for it.

Master brought the scene back up the following day when i was wearing the bullet.  He allowed me to explain myself better, what my intentions had been the day before, and He wanted to know a bit more about why…

i guess mostly i was so on the edge that it was partly because i wanted to cum, and then partly that i wanted to show you that i could do it Sir.

I like that answer. Was there a naughty thrill in it?

Yes sir, there was.

That you liked?

i did.very much.

Conversation about having me answer the door in just my robe (barely closed), when the UPS shows up.  Or for a door-to-door solicitor.

Would it turn you on?

No Sir...i am not an exhibitionist Sir.  These things don't turn me on.

I know. My goal is to make you more comfortable with that side for Me.

i can be comfortable with it Sir and i am getting comfortable with it.  But You can keep asking me these questions, it's probably never going to turn me on, that's just not how i am, Sir.

Ok. I can appreciate that point.  Thank you for being honest. You want to for Me, but not for you. I can appreciate that.

Do you want Me to push/test your limits or do you simply want to cum?

i would ok with pushing my limits a little Sir

Take off pants, leave on panties.

i stand up, slowly unbutton my jeans, pulling the remote for the bullet out of my pocket as i slide them over my ass and down my legs, keeping an eye on the window for passing cars and foot traffic.

How do you feel slut?

Naughty, Sir

Put the laptop to your left in the middle where you can still type. Put the recliner up and spread your legs some.

i shift around, still keeping an eye on the window.  A car passes, my heart quickens.  i take a picture with my cell phone to show Master later that i’m really doing what He’s asked.

Turn the bullet up high.  It is Sir  Do you want to rub your clit?  Yes sir, very much!

Good. Pull your panties aside and rub your clit until I tell you to stop.

i do as i’m told, pulling aside my panties and rubbing my two fingers along my clit while the bullet still vibrates inside me.  Another car drives by.

Stop…but keep your panties aside. Do you want more?

Yes sir.  Please.

Do you care if anyone sees?

A little sir

But cumming is more important?

Yes sir

Get totally naked.  Stand up and rub your pussy.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  Omg, my brain is spinning now.  What if someone walks by?  At least on the couch it’s at an angle from the window so you’d have to get a good look in to really see something, but standing in front of the couch, i’m really exposed.  i’m practically trembling, but i do as i’m asked to.  Master checks in and asks me how i'm feeling…

Nervous Sir

Ok.  Do you want me to let you cum?

Yes Sir, i do please

Lay across the couch with your head on your side and fuck your pussy with your fingers until you cum. then quickly dress and come talk to Me.

i breathe a sigh of relief, lay down on the couch, grateful to be out of the direct line of sight of the window.  I grab my phone to record the moment, use two fingers to fuck my pussy.  i quickly bring myself to orgasm, watching the window the entire time, surprised i could even cum as nervous as i was.  i turn the camera to show Master the open blinds at the end before shutting off the camera.  Then i stand up and dress in front off the open windows.  My heart still racing the whole time.

During my post-play with Master…

you have shown Me over the last 2 weeks, minus a bump here or there, the lengths to which you will go to commit and strive with dedication to complete tasking, improve behavior, and be the submissive that I desire.  This is exactly what I expect from my submissive that is training, as she should and as such, I want you to wear your training collar.

Stunned.  i wasn’t expecting this.  i did this today for Him to show Him that i can push myself, but i didn’t do it expecting this.  i’m so happy to have pleased Him this much.

His reasoning…

1.  you never asked for it back.
2.  you were willing to simply let go (finally)
3. you showed me that you are taking seriously my wants and desires, no matter what they may be (within hard limits)
4. you did all of this with no expectations of reward or gratitude. Simply of service to your Master. (this is the biggest).

Quality time with Master

This post is long overdue…meh…life…

Technology sure makes long distance relationships much easier.  I remember long-distance ‘courting’ (i was raised very strict and religious…no dating until i moved out and lived in sin according to my BSC mother).  We handwrote letters.  i remember checking the mail every day.  Then email slowly made it’s way into our lives and i would get to sign on, wait for the modem to dial out, and send/receive emails once a day.  It was a tedious process…good thing i knew those relationships weren’t going past the friends stage.  i might have been raised in the church but despite being told all my life that i couldn’t have sex before marriage, i knew i wanted to test the merchandise first.  Partly because i wasn’t even sure i whether i was straight/bi/gay. Last thing i wanted was to marry some straight-laced guy and then find out i preferred women.

i had a point somewhere…oh, technology…

Today, we have email at our fingertips and Facebook messaging.  Skype and Google hangouts for video chatting.  Yes, long-distance relationships suck…vanilla or kinky, but at least we have technology to help us out.

Master and i make TTWD work as best we can with email and chat and phone calls.  It’s not perfect and the separation is draining for both of us.  But we’re getting closer to the end.  The times we most look forward to…the extra spark…comes once every 4-6 weeks when He gets some downtime and i get to ‘see’ Him.  Even better when he gets a little extra downtime and gets an overnight in a hotel so i get to “see” ALL of him.

i was a little disappointed about Aunt Flo showing up a week early to ruin what Master was referring to as “plans of epic proportions”.  Though He wasn’t about to let a little thing like my period get in His was of some fun.  That’s nice, you’re on the other side of the world.  And it doesn’t affect Your libido.

Not sure if it was my hormones being all fucked up from my period.  Or fallout from our argument just a few days earlier and my ensuing meltdown and the loss of my training collar.  i felt shy and awkward “in front” of Him.  Seriously?  You’ve been with this man for 7 years.  Get the fuck over yourself. 

i couldn’t seem to find the words to say or the confidence that i needed or that He wanted to see.  i think i was concerned with playing around my period and i wasn’t really turned on, but was trying to be turned on for His sake or more turned on than i was. He wanted grade-A whore. i’m over here barely pulling off deflowered virgin. i was overthinking everything while trying to please Him.  My brain is my worst enemy.  It’s a great asset to me in everything but my submission.

Talk dirty.  Well fuck, about what?  Total blank, my brain spinning.  Does He want me to tell a fantasy?  Does He want me to talk about sucking His cock?  Argh!  i can’t read minds, i don’t know what You want from me!  i just wanted to cry.  i kept waiting for the blowup, a repeat from the other day, but it never came.  He was patient and kind, but prodding as i muddled my way through it.  Still not sure what the fuck was wrong with me because that’s not usually me.  i think i just put too much pressure on myself for that day.

But it was so nice to see Him.  i miss Him so much.  Outside of TTWD, this man is my husband and there’s much change coming for us this year.  It was wonderful just to sit and chat about our plans.  Inside of TTWD, there was my Master.  i could “see” Him, and talk to Him.  Follow His instructions in real time.  Feel His eyes on my body as i touched myself.  See His pleasure that i’m losing weight and taking care of myself.  i could watch His cock get harder as we talked, as we played.  Watch Him stroke Himself.  Lick my lips and wish that i was there, laying between His legs, taking His cock in my mouth, worshipping it.

Period be damned, Master wanted to play.  i had been allowed to wear just panties for the evening so He instructed me to place the Magic Wand on my pussy on top of the panties.  Oh hell.   He had me set a speed, then another speed, and we talked.  Then we changed speeds.  Then i pinched my nipples.  He took me to the edge and made me wait.  Fuck!  Having just watched the New Year’s video, He was enjoying this torture.  Tears filled my eyes.  i begged and i pleaded…and He laughed.  If He doesn’t let me cum soon, this wand is going to rub a hole through my favorite VS panties! Finally, He let His whore cum.  Thank You!

And then the baby woke up, lol.  (We actually had several interruptions that night, a few cock-blocking phone calls from one of His buddies…then after getting the baby down, i came back to a completely dead MacBook because i’m having battery issues and though it said it was charging, it really wasn’t)…30 minutes later, lol

Round 2 with the wand, this time Master has me shed my panties and grab the g-spotter attachment…i put a towel down and try not to think about my period.  (just not one of those people who enjoy sex during this time).  i try to clear my mind and focus on…magic wand!....Fuck!....did take me a little longer than it would have normally and Master wanted me to cum several times and i couldn’t pull that off, but i did give Him the show that He wanted…plus it let Him plot more of Your destruction with that wand!

The downside to these little adventures…saying goodbye.  They never last long enough.  And they don’t happen often enough.  Only a few more months and He’ll be home.  i can’t wait.