Here's what i've been up to

• 3 classes…never-ending homework...only ONE week left in this term! (cue “Eye of the Tiger”).

you can thank me for the earworm later

• 3 kids…toddler who never stops teething or tearing my house apart & too many snow days for the older two

• Crappy ass winter weather …i think it has a small impact on my bad mood. i need sun and warmth.  i like snow, but i want it to come and be gone the next day.  Though it did provide for some naughty picture fun.

• More drama than i care for with my volunteer work…counting the days till i can resign.  i hate that i feel that way about it because it’s something that should matter, but the people that are supposed to support the program don’t and have made my job so unbearable that i help the people i can help and that’s about it.

• A very nice reminder of my bat shit crazy mother…so fun

• Making arrangements for Master to get home and our move later this year.  Trying to declutter the house in preparation.  I’ve got a few hours for that, right? ha.

In between this overwhelming schedule that is real life…i struggled (a lot) with TTWD.  There were good days.  There were great days.  Then, the rollercoaster would come over the top of the hill and plunge at a blinding rate of speed to the bottom.  Probably explains the nauseous feeling i had those days and the adrenalin from the really good days.

The more i wanted to submit, the more i wanted to give over to Him to control, the more i hit stumbling blocks. i came to the realization that my biggest issue is that when i am stressed about anything not related to TTWD (kids, college, money, etc)  and Master starts to push, to rub the rough edges of my submission trying to sand them down, i rebel against the “sandpaper”.  Doesn’t matter the “grit” either.  And some of them were things that shouldn’t have been an issue. 

i was letting my stress spill over into my submission.  i suppose the argument could be made that this is one instance where a wall would be a good thing.  It’s hard to be submissive when you’ve had the toddler screaming at you all day, throwing toys in your lap at your head because he wants your attention, and you’re trying to be a wanton whore via Facebook.  Master is asking if something turns me on…fuck no, your child just threw his sippy cup at my head  yes, sir, my pussy is very wet.  Couple hours of that and i’m in tears, huge ball of stress, and by the time the kid goes down for a nap and i have to step up my game…the sandpaper comes out…fuck.

Mistakes were made.  i lashed out.  i got defensive and disrespectful.  I forgot my place.  We slipped back into some old arguing habits from before TTWD; things got nasty a couple of times.  i notice a few big differences though.  One that made me laugh (only afterwards) and that is that He might get to say the mean and nasty things he wants; i don’t.  So He’s calling me a bitch and a cunt (and not in the ways that make me wet) and i’m calling Him sir instead of asshole.  Not to say that i wasn’t pointed or heated with my words, just not as vicious.  I guess that’s progress.  More like self-preservation, lol.  My anger, temper, and frustration would subside almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth and i realized that i’d triggered His displeasure.  The guilt at being out of step with Him was a knife that cut deep, the words He used to remind me that i was not where i needed to be only made it worse.  Remember those issues from my childhood?  Yeah, tell me that i’m never going to good enough after i’ve fucked up really badly.  i’ve never spent so much time crying.

Rollercoaster remember?  We had the low times, but we had some really great conversations, mostly planning.  i’ve gotten some new toys to play with and had some very fun training sessions that i may one day get a chance to share.  Though at this point, i might have to go back and review my videos (GASP!) to help me remember.  I can watch through my fingers right?  i’m learning to trust Master more and with that trust comes this overwhelming desire to submit more and give Him more.  i redid my limits again for Him and changed quite a few things.  There are some areas that i thought were off limits that i want to explore more when he gets home, that we’ve talked about in a fantasy sense via email in ways that have turned us both on thus far.  It both excites and scares me how much i’m turned on by some of my and His darker fantasies.  And my willingness to trust Him enough to change my mind and allow Him to push my boundaries and test my limits on things that i would have never considered even a few months ago when we started this journey.

So in looking forward, i know that while i will probably continue to struggle with balancing my stress and my submission, there are so many other things to look forward to in the next couple of months.  My final two classes and then finishing my degree!  Making preparations for Master’s return.  i’ve got a countdown app on my phone counting down the number of days…under 60!  We will have His first night home away from the kids, just us.  And then a weekend getaway the following weekend to a cabin.  So many other little things to get ready, the house cleaned, outfits for the kids, special presents, etc.  These things have me amped up with excitement and anticipation but also keep me grounded.

Less than two months!

embracing...

Master says this is the new phrase i'm to learn and embrace...

Dom Questions #1

Sin over at finding my submission has provided a series of Dom Questions for us submissives/slaves to ask our Doms/Masters.  You can read more about it here and find links to some of the responses here.  i asked Master if He would like to participate and this is his answer to the first question:

What does your submissive's submission mean to you?

This question is a paradox, because the answer is very complex, yet very simple. The complex answer is that your submission is very important to the couple that we have become. We do not live in a world that lends itself in any way to our chosen lifestyle, even presenting hazards along the way. So your submission is more that just a simple power exchange with me. It is a choice we make, and a risk that you take, just as much as I do, because this is what you need, as much as I do, for our love to grow and our relationship to be successful.

your submission gives me purpose in not only our marriage, but in our life, that I never knew could exist. It motivates me to be as good of a Master, husband and father as I can possibly be. My professional life has been the focus of how we build our life for the 7 years that we have been together. Having TTWD become an engrained part of who we are has shifted that. My profession is no longer the driving factor in how we conduct our lives, but rather the one that supports the way we now choose to live.

your submission gives me hope, joy, and intense emotional closeness that, to this point, you and I had never been able to share. All of that is the very complex, long way of saying the simpler thing:

your submission is EVERYTHING to me, and I love you more every single day of this journey, and I never want it to end.

i don't know about you...

but i could use a little lot of this!

Open windows

i am not an exhibitionist.  i am not turned on by the thrill of exposure or the possibility of getting caught.

However, something that i’m slowly learning is that part of my submission involves doing things because my Master enjoys them.  Or He enjoys having me do them.  it doesn’t necessarily have to be my kink, but i get pleasure from the pleasure He gets from it. That makes sense right?

Exhibition freaks me the fuck out.  It makes me nervous, my heart races, my chest tightens, and i have a big issue with getting enjoyment from it.  For the most part, we’ve agreed to put a lot of it on the back burner till He gets home.

But the other day, i was hanging out in the living room masturbating with the magic wand on my pussy while we were chatting.  He brought me right to edge and He was pushing to see just how far i was willing to go to be allowed to cum.  Would i open the blinds?  A purely hypothetical question on his part and all He was looking for was “Yes Master, your whore would do anything.”

Well, i wanted to impress Him and push myself and be willing to actually do it so i asked a question about what he meant by facing the window.  In my mind, it was a purely reasonable question.  Could i open the blinds, but stay on the couch 5 feet away?  Or was He meaning that He would want me to be standing in front of the window?  Big difference right?

Totally blew up in my face.  He thought i was too far in my head and He plugged the plug on the whole thing and i was left on the edge and grumpy all afternoon.  Sucks when you can’t get your point across with just words on a screen.  Though that was the afternoon before this so i guess the night made up for it.

Master brought the scene back up the following day when i was wearing the bullet.  He allowed me to explain myself better, what my intentions had been the day before, and He wanted to know a bit more about why…

i guess mostly i was so on the edge that it was partly because i wanted to cum, and then partly that i wanted to show you that i could do it Sir.

I like that answer. Was there a naughty thrill in it?

Yes sir, there was.

That you liked?

i did.very much.

Conversation about having me answer the door in just my robe (barely closed), when the UPS shows up.  Or for a door-to-door solicitor.

Would it turn you on?

No Sir...i am not an exhibitionist Sir.  These things don't turn me on.

I know. My goal is to make you more comfortable with that side for Me.

i can be comfortable with it Sir and i am getting comfortable with it.  But You can keep asking me these questions, it's probably never going to turn me on, that's just not how i am, Sir.

Ok. I can appreciate that point.  Thank you for being honest. You want to for Me, but not for you. I can appreciate that.

Do you want Me to push/test your limits or do you simply want to cum?

i would ok with pushing my limits a little Sir

Take off pants, leave on panties.

i stand up, slowly unbutton my jeans, pulling the remote for the bullet out of my pocket as i slide them over my ass and down my legs, keeping an eye on the window for passing cars and foot traffic.

How do you feel slut?

Naughty, Sir

Put the laptop to your left in the middle where you can still type. Put the recliner up and spread your legs some.

i shift around, still keeping an eye on the window.  A car passes, my heart quickens.  i take a picture with my cell phone to show Master later that i’m really doing what He’s asked.

Turn the bullet up high.  It is Sir  Do you want to rub your clit?  Yes sir, very much!

Good. Pull your panties aside and rub your clit until I tell you to stop.

i do as i’m told, pulling aside my panties and rubbing my two fingers along my clit while the bullet still vibrates inside me.  Another car drives by.

Stop…but keep your panties aside. Do you want more?

Yes sir.  Please.

Do you care if anyone sees?

A little sir

But cumming is more important?

Yes sir

Get totally naked.  Stand up and rub your pussy.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  Omg, my brain is spinning now.  What if someone walks by?  At least on the couch it’s at an angle from the window so you’d have to get a good look in to really see something, but standing in front of the couch, i’m really exposed.  i’m practically trembling, but i do as i’m asked to.  Master checks in and asks me how i'm feeling…

Nervous Sir

Ok.  Do you want me to let you cum?

Yes Sir, i do please

Lay across the couch with your head on your side and fuck your pussy with your fingers until you cum. then quickly dress and come talk to Me.

i breathe a sigh of relief, lay down on the couch, grateful to be out of the direct line of sight of the window.  I grab my phone to record the moment, use two fingers to fuck my pussy.  i quickly bring myself to orgasm, watching the window the entire time, surprised i could even cum as nervous as i was.  i turn the camera to show Master the open blinds at the end before shutting off the camera.  Then i stand up and dress in front off the open windows.  My heart still racing the whole time.

During my post-play with Master…

you have shown Me over the last 2 weeks, minus a bump here or there, the lengths to which you will go to commit and strive with dedication to complete tasking, improve behavior, and be the submissive that I desire.  This is exactly what I expect from my submissive that is training, as she should and as such, I want you to wear your training collar.

Stunned.  i wasn’t expecting this.  i did this today for Him to show Him that i can push myself, but i didn’t do it expecting this.  i’m so happy to have pleased Him this much.

His reasoning…

1.  you never asked for it back.
2.  you were willing to simply let go (finally)
3. you showed me that you are taking seriously my wants and desires, no matter what they may be (within hard limits)
4. you did all of this with no expectations of reward or gratitude. Simply of service to your Master. (this is the biggest).

Seven

These are the implements of my destruction…

With 3 classes, there’s no way for me to train regularly.  So we decided that i would have a long training session early in the week and then a couple of short ones later in the week.  One, i can only stay up so late.  Two, yawning is a big turn off.

We could have titled this one “everything but the kitchen sink”.  Well not quite…it’s not even half the toy box.

Master’s instructions had 6 parts. 6 parts!  Shit, Hamlet only had 5 acts!

Act 1 (that’s all me, smartass) – Wear the stainless steel butt plug (which i’d already had in as prep) and use the magic wand w/ no attachments until you cum

Act 2 – Remove plug, use glass wand of your choice in your ass and Jessica (rabbit vibe) in your pussy until you cum

Act 3 – Large pink dildo in your ass.  Spank your pussy 100 times with implement of your choice (i chose the leather paddle)

Act 4 – Leave dildo in and use the 4” curved attachment w/ the wand on your pussy until you cum

Act 5 – Remove dildo.  Fuck pussy with glass wand (the other one). And use the wand on your clit until you cum.

Act 6 – Use white G-spotter attachment on wand until you cum 3 times.

Master’s original plan was a little different, but as we went over it, He allowed me to suggest a few changes.  As He isn’t home and i know my limits a little better, there is less stress and freak outs if we work together.  He also left me with instructions on how to handle myself if things started to go sideways.  His assurances that this wasn’t a pass/fail and that i could use my own judgment if something wasn’t working, gives me confidence and lowers my stress going into these types of training situations.

<I’m going to interrupt myself to say that it’s impossible to maintain a proper anal play diet and my weight loss diet at the same time…just saying…causes issues>

i have to admit that i expected something to go sideways.  There hasn’t been much play/training going on the last week or so.  And there’s been a streak of bad luck here recently.

i turned on the video camera, introduced the video and recapped my instructions.  i laid back on the bed, spread my legs so Master could see the butt plug and picked up the wand.  Turning it on to medium speed, i placed it on my pussy.

My brain instantly flashed back to the day before.  Master teasing me while we chatted, having me sit naked from the waste down in the living room with the wand on my pussy, bringing me to the edge of orgasm…then leaving me there.  My pussy remembers and wants to pick up right where we left off... in seconds, i am on the edge again.

i talk to Master.  i tell how much His whore enjoys having her ass filled by the plug. How badly i need to be fucked.  It doesn’t take long for my orgasm to overtake me, my legs trembling, toes curling.  Why are these so intense?

i remove the plug, and set aside the wand.  i pick up the ribbed glassed wand and slide it right into my ass, enjoying the feeling of the cold hardness.  i grab Jessica and slide the vibrator into my pussy and turn both the vibe and clit stimulator to high.  With one hand holding the vibrator, i use the other to slide the wand in and out of my ass.  i tell Master how much His whore enjoys having both holes filled.  How much she needs to have both her ass and pussy fucked….

Fuck!  i’m paying attention to the wand, to my right hand sliding the glass wand in and out of my ass.  And paying no attention to the rabbit vibrator attacking my clit and….ORGASM!!!!

Well, shit, i don’t think i was supposed to cum that quick. Oops.

Another “scene” change.  This time i lube and slide the large pink dildo up into my ass.  It stretches me and hurts just slightly as i adjust to it.  i lay there for half a minute, getting used to it.  This next part is about the pain slut.  i reach to grab the paddle.  Crap, forgot the massage oil.  I could forgo it.  No, Master will get mad that i’m not taking care of myself.  i roll off the bed clenching my butt cheeks together to keep the dildo in place.  Grab the oil and roll back onto the bed.  i press my butt into the bed to hold the dildo into place and massage my pussy with the oil.

Slap.  Slap.  Count to 20.   Massage more oil.  Slap.  Slap.  Count to 20 again.  Tell Master how much i’m enjoying the cock in my ass and spanking my pussy.  Tell Him how i wish He was here to fuck my ass and spank me Himself.  60 more strikes to my pussy.  i know these aren’t hard enough.  Though i feel like they are plenty hard.  i can’t wait for Him to get home to beat me.  My pussy is wet through the entire time, excited, having missed this probably most of all.

When i’m finished, i trade the paddle for the wand.  This time with a curved attachment.  Lifting my butt up and down on the bed, i rock up and down on the cock in my ass while i press the tip of the attachment up against my gspot.  Vibrations move through my body.  i can feel my juices leaking out around the wand.   push down on my pelvis, i wonder if i could make myself squirt.  Master would love that!  i move the vibrator around inside me, talking dirty to the camera, enjoying the double penetration some more.  This orgasm isn’t as quick as the last one, but it’s more intense.

i stop the camera so that i can get cleaned up a little.  Remove the pink dildo and change the wand attachment out for the little nub.  This time i fuck my pussy with the other glass wand while i rub the nub of the wand over my clit.  i tease myself.  i let myself get close and every time i find “that spot”, i move off of it, drawing out my own torture for Master’s pleasure.  This is not in His instructions, but i worry that i’ve come too quickly the other times.  Finally i let my orgasm over take, surprisingly not from the Magic wand, but from the glass wand inside my pussy with just a little assist from the Magic wand on my clit.  It’s probably the least powerful of my orgasms, but it’s just as enjoyable for me.

And now…the final act.

I think this is Master’s favorite attachment.  It’s definitely an effective one.  i change it out, slide it into my pussy and line the front and back pieces up with my clit and ass.  As i turn the wand back on, i reach over to adjust the speed.  But as i do…fuck, holy shit, oh god!

It completely took me by surprise and i wasn’t prepared for it.  My legs tense up and i start to curl up, muscles tensing as the waves hit me.  These last for longer than the others and as i’m trying to recover, it’s like my pussy clenches around the vibrator and won’t relax so i get a longer orgasm.  When it finally doesn’t end, i’m trying to uncurl my body.  Maybe there was 30 seconds…Fuck, not again so soon!

When there’s no break, the orgasms keep coming, the muscles…not in your pussy, but the rest of your body…start to cramp.  My foot started to cramp and so did my back.  Not to mention that for some odd reason, I DON’T BREATHE DURING MY ORGASMS!  Yes, it’s a little odd, but that’s a lot of oxygen to lose in a short period of time.  And we weren’t done yet because i had just caught my breath…

Oh my god, fucking hell!  Number 3!  I was actually relieved that there was only 3 that i had to have.  i don’t think i would have survived much more.  What an amazing night and an amazing experience.  It’s a good thing we don’t do this everything single night.  It takes my body too long to recover from it.  i should be asleep right now, but instead i had to stay up and jot this down while i waited for my wiredness (is that even a word?) to wear off.