Are you ready?

It's just after midnight on a Sunday.  i'm tired and my eyes from hours spent finishing up coursework for my two classes.  i yawn and rub my eyes, shut my laptop, and drag my weary body off the couch. i'm just about the turn off the TV when my cell phone rings.  There's only one person who calls this late, though it's morning where He's at.  Master.

"Hello Sir." i sigh.  i haven't talked to Him much in the last couple of days and due to some changes at His work there has been no play or conversations relating to my submission.

"Are you ready for me to come home?"  Yes, duh.  Been ready for months.  "Yes sir, i am."

"i'll be home in 3 days" He says.  WTF?! Why? We're still a month out.  My tired brain spins out while i sputter a response.  i don't remember the rest of our conversation that night.  When we hung up, i broke down sobbing so overwhelmed with emotion.  Then i fell asleep exhausted emotionally and physically.

i woke the next morning and my immediate first thought was that it had been a dream.  i grabbed my phone and looked for an email to prove that our conversation had actually taken place.  No, i'm not going crazy.  Yet.  There it was, an email from my Master outlining his itinerary home and letting me know what He expected me to get done for Him before His return. Cuz, no, the house wasn't clean...i have a terrorist for a toddler. 

The excitement starts to build in me.  He's coming home, He's coming home!  It's a bit bittersweet though.  It's just a temporary return, work-related.  He still has to leave again to go back for another couple of weeks.  But He'll be home for almost TWO WEEKS! (now you know where i've been hiding)

With the excitement came a whole wave of anxiety.  In no way did i feel like i was mentally prepared for His return.  i turned my focus to getting the house ready, shopping for groceries to prepare His favorite meals, and preparing to surprise our kids.  i tried to push all the anxiety down, swallow it, and ignore it.  i focused on my excitement about his return and finally being able to have TTWD be more than emails and phone calls and videos.

to be continued...

Here's what i've been up to

• 3 classes…never-ending homework...only ONE week left in this term! (cue “Eye of the Tiger”).

you can thank me for the earworm later

• 3 kids…toddler who never stops teething or tearing my house apart & too many snow days for the older two

• Crappy ass winter weather …i think it has a small impact on my bad mood. i need sun and warmth.  i like snow, but i want it to come and be gone the next day.  Though it did provide for some naughty picture fun.

• More drama than i care for with my volunteer work…counting the days till i can resign.  i hate that i feel that way about it because it’s something that should matter, but the people that are supposed to support the program don’t and have made my job so unbearable that i help the people i can help and that’s about it.

• A very nice reminder of my bat shit crazy mother…so fun

• Making arrangements for Master to get home and our move later this year.  Trying to declutter the house in preparation.  I’ve got a few hours for that, right? ha.

In between this overwhelming schedule that is real life…i struggled (a lot) with TTWD.  There were good days.  There were great days.  Then, the rollercoaster would come over the top of the hill and plunge at a blinding rate of speed to the bottom.  Probably explains the nauseous feeling i had those days and the adrenalin from the really good days.

The more i wanted to submit, the more i wanted to give over to Him to control, the more i hit stumbling blocks. i came to the realization that my biggest issue is that when i am stressed about anything not related to TTWD (kids, college, money, etc)  and Master starts to push, to rub the rough edges of my submission trying to sand them down, i rebel against the “sandpaper”.  Doesn’t matter the “grit” either.  And some of them were things that shouldn’t have been an issue. 

i was letting my stress spill over into my submission.  i suppose the argument could be made that this is one instance where a wall would be a good thing.  It’s hard to be submissive when you’ve had the toddler screaming at you all day, throwing toys in your lap at your head because he wants your attention, and you’re trying to be a wanton whore via Facebook.  Master is asking if something turns me on…fuck no, your child just threw his sippy cup at my head  yes, sir, my pussy is very wet.  Couple hours of that and i’m in tears, huge ball of stress, and by the time the kid goes down for a nap and i have to step up my game…the sandpaper comes out…fuck.

Mistakes were made.  i lashed out.  i got defensive and disrespectful.  I forgot my place.  We slipped back into some old arguing habits from before TTWD; things got nasty a couple of times.  i notice a few big differences though.  One that made me laugh (only afterwards) and that is that He might get to say the mean and nasty things he wants; i don’t.  So He’s calling me a bitch and a cunt (and not in the ways that make me wet) and i’m calling Him sir instead of asshole.  Not to say that i wasn’t pointed or heated with my words, just not as vicious.  I guess that’s progress.  More like self-preservation, lol.  My anger, temper, and frustration would subside almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth and i realized that i’d triggered His displeasure.  The guilt at being out of step with Him was a knife that cut deep, the words He used to remind me that i was not where i needed to be only made it worse.  Remember those issues from my childhood?  Yeah, tell me that i’m never going to good enough after i’ve fucked up really badly.  i’ve never spent so much time crying.

Rollercoaster remember?  We had the low times, but we had some really great conversations, mostly planning.  i’ve gotten some new toys to play with and had some very fun training sessions that i may one day get a chance to share.  Though at this point, i might have to go back and review my videos (GASP!) to help me remember.  I can watch through my fingers right?  i’m learning to trust Master more and with that trust comes this overwhelming desire to submit more and give Him more.  i redid my limits again for Him and changed quite a few things.  There are some areas that i thought were off limits that i want to explore more when he gets home, that we’ve talked about in a fantasy sense via email in ways that have turned us both on thus far.  It both excites and scares me how much i’m turned on by some of my and His darker fantasies.  And my willingness to trust Him enough to change my mind and allow Him to push my boundaries and test my limits on things that i would have never considered even a few months ago when we started this journey.

So in looking forward, i know that while i will probably continue to struggle with balancing my stress and my submission, there are so many other things to look forward to in the next couple of months.  My final two classes and then finishing my degree!  Making preparations for Master’s return.  i’ve got a countdown app on my phone counting down the number of days…under 60!  We will have His first night home away from the kids, just us.  And then a weekend getaway the following weekend to a cabin.  So many other little things to get ready, the house cleaned, outfits for the kids, special presents, etc.  These things have me amped up with excitement and anticipation but also keep me grounded.

Less than two months!

Quality time with Master

This post is long overdue…meh…life…

Technology sure makes long distance relationships much easier.  I remember long-distance ‘courting’ (i was raised very strict and religious…no dating until i moved out and lived in sin according to my BSC mother).  We handwrote letters.  i remember checking the mail every day.  Then email slowly made it’s way into our lives and i would get to sign on, wait for the modem to dial out, and send/receive emails once a day.  It was a tedious process…good thing i knew those relationships weren’t going past the friends stage.  i might have been raised in the church but despite being told all my life that i couldn’t have sex before marriage, i knew i wanted to test the merchandise first.  Partly because i wasn’t even sure i whether i was straight/bi/gay. Last thing i wanted was to marry some straight-laced guy and then find out i preferred women.

i had a point somewhere…oh, technology…

Today, we have email at our fingertips and Facebook messaging.  Skype and Google hangouts for video chatting.  Yes, long-distance relationships suck…vanilla or kinky, but at least we have technology to help us out.

Master and i make TTWD work as best we can with email and chat and phone calls.  It’s not perfect and the separation is draining for both of us.  But we’re getting closer to the end.  The times we most look forward to…the extra spark…comes once every 4-6 weeks when He gets some downtime and i get to ‘see’ Him.  Even better when he gets a little extra downtime and gets an overnight in a hotel so i get to “see” ALL of him.

i was a little disappointed about Aunt Flo showing up a week early to ruin what Master was referring to as “plans of epic proportions”.  Though He wasn’t about to let a little thing like my period get in His was of some fun.  That’s nice, you’re on the other side of the world.  And it doesn’t affect Your libido.

Not sure if it was my hormones being all fucked up from my period.  Or fallout from our argument just a few days earlier and my ensuing meltdown and the loss of my training collar.  i felt shy and awkward “in front” of Him.  Seriously?  You’ve been with this man for 7 years.  Get the fuck over yourself. 

i couldn’t seem to find the words to say or the confidence that i needed or that He wanted to see.  i think i was concerned with playing around my period and i wasn’t really turned on, but was trying to be turned on for His sake or more turned on than i was. He wanted grade-A whore. i’m over here barely pulling off deflowered virgin. i was overthinking everything while trying to please Him.  My brain is my worst enemy.  It’s a great asset to me in everything but my submission.

Talk dirty.  Well fuck, about what?  Total blank, my brain spinning.  Does He want me to tell a fantasy?  Does He want me to talk about sucking His cock?  Argh!  i can’t read minds, i don’t know what You want from me!  i just wanted to cry.  i kept waiting for the blowup, a repeat from the other day, but it never came.  He was patient and kind, but prodding as i muddled my way through it.  Still not sure what the fuck was wrong with me because that’s not usually me.  i think i just put too much pressure on myself for that day.

But it was so nice to see Him.  i miss Him so much.  Outside of TTWD, this man is my husband and there’s much change coming for us this year.  It was wonderful just to sit and chat about our plans.  Inside of TTWD, there was my Master.  i could “see” Him, and talk to Him.  Follow His instructions in real time.  Feel His eyes on my body as i touched myself.  See His pleasure that i’m losing weight and taking care of myself.  i could watch His cock get harder as we talked, as we played.  Watch Him stroke Himself.  Lick my lips and wish that i was there, laying between His legs, taking His cock in my mouth, worshipping it.

Period be damned, Master wanted to play.  i had been allowed to wear just panties for the evening so He instructed me to place the Magic Wand on my pussy on top of the panties.  Oh hell.   He had me set a speed, then another speed, and we talked.  Then we changed speeds.  Then i pinched my nipples.  He took me to the edge and made me wait.  Fuck!  Having just watched the New Year’s video, He was enjoying this torture.  Tears filled my eyes.  i begged and i pleaded…and He laughed.  If He doesn’t let me cum soon, this wand is going to rub a hole through my favorite VS panties! Finally, He let His whore cum.  Thank You!

And then the baby woke up, lol.  (We actually had several interruptions that night, a few cock-blocking phone calls from one of His buddies…then after getting the baby down, i came back to a completely dead MacBook because i’m having battery issues and though it said it was charging, it really wasn’t)…30 minutes later, lol

Round 2 with the wand, this time Master has me shed my panties and grab the g-spotter attachment…i put a towel down and try not to think about my period.  (just not one of those people who enjoy sex during this time).  i try to clear my mind and focus on…magic wand!....Fuck!....did take me a little longer than it would have normally and Master wanted me to cum several times and i couldn’t pull that off, but i did give Him the show that He wanted…plus it let Him plot more of Your destruction with that wand!

The downside to these little adventures…saying goodbye.  They never last long enough.  And they don’t happen often enough.  Only a few more months and He’ll be home.  i can’t wait. 

Emotions

Happiness is…

seeing Master’s face on video chat for the first time in about a month.

being able to talk about TTWD on video chat for the first time in about two months.  This involved me sitting topless for a couple hours in the bedroom trying not to laugh at the shit-eating grin on His face.  Not very Dommy.  But i loved every minute of it.

Nervousness is…

apparent and written all over my face.  i’m trying to find my center again after a rough couple of days.  The separation, nearing 6 months now, weighs heavily on me (and Him).  It affects all aspects of our lives, not just TTWD.  But i’m having difficultly keeping my stress from our regular life from bleeding into TTWD and fucking up my submission.  A major blowup earlier this week had Master instructing me to remove my training collar until i could earn it back.  It’s made me falter in my interactions and second-guess every word about to leave my mouth.  Is this what i am supposed to say?  Does He want my honest feelings?  Or what i’m supposed to feel if i was in the right place mentally?  Ugh.  (We talked this all out and i have a better handle on where i am and where i need to be.  And we discussed a couple of things that were bothering me.)

Excitement is…

knowing that tomorrow Master will be alone in a hotel room with wifi and video chat!  i can’t wait to be able to follow His commands and see Him…not follow words on a screen or an emailed set of instructions and make a video that He’ll see weeks later.

Disappointment is…

my body hating me so much that my period (“regulated” by the pill, ha) showed up a week early to fuck up this live video play opportunity.  Yes, we’ll have some fun, but not the fun that we’ve been anticipating and looking forward to for months.  Ugh.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Totally behind on my writing and there's a post that goes before this one that i still haven't finished, but i'm procrastinating....

           Ok, so the title is slightly over-dramatic.  my Sunday(s) haven’t been bloody.  But the last two first two weekends in Nov have been rough.  Grade-A meltdown two weeks in a row.

WTF is wrong with me?

            The first week was orgasm denial (as a punishment), additional writing assignments (also punishments) and multiple emails each day to Master, on top of a crazy heavy week in my two upper level college classes.  Oh, and it was Halloween so there was extra kid stuff to deal with.  By Sunday, my body hated me, my brain couldn’t function anymore, and the kids were driving me nuts (it was the weekend, they were home, underfoot, and bored!).  There was no way i was going to get everything i needed to get done finished by the end of the week.  Every bit of further conversation felt like more weight pressing down on me.

And i cracked.  i just lost it on the phone with Master.  i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger.  i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.

Master was well within his right to discipline me further for my disrespect.  Instead, he waited for me to get control and he talked me down off the ledge.  My training for the evening was postponed.  i managed to get my schoolwork finished before my deadlines (barely).  i went to bed vowing that the coming week would be different.

Fast forward seven days…

No punishments this that week (well there was almost one, but it turned out to be a communication issue).  There was a public humiliation, some pretty intense training, a volunteer project, and more course work (can’t wait for that to end).  Master was available for video chat and required a little more time than i was prepared for.  Then there was this fantasy story that i had to write and then record the audio of me reading.  By Sunday, i was staring down the barrel of homework deadlines and feeling the pressure of my conversations with Master.  Every time he would ask me to talk dirty to make His cock hard, i would tear up.  i had nothing left.

And i cracked.  i just lost it while chatting with Master.  i couldn’t do what He asked.  i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger.  i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.

Whoa. Déjà vu.

Everything ground to a halt.  Master was unhappy with me.  i was unhappy with myself.  He started questioning my desire for this.  i tried to explain to Him that it was the stress, that i wasn’t managing everything well.  i didn’t know how to fix it.  Master told me to send Him a letter offering Him solutions to what i thought the problems were.  That i needed to bring something to the table since He isn’t home to see all the other things that get in the way, the real life that creeps in.  After our conversation, i managed to get my ass in gear to get my other stuff done.  Then sat down to write my letter.

Here’s a bit of it…

            i am not wavering in my commitment to You Master.  i am Yours.  i am Your submissive…i have given myself to You, You own me, my body, my mind.  It is my desire that You mold me into the submissive that You desire.  i want to please You and serve You in the ways that You want me too.  i have given up the right to make these decisions about the person that i am.  And You know what, Master?  i am ok with it.  It doesn’t bother me anymore.  i don’t miss the bitch, the hard ass personality.  i am enjoying the “softer” side.  I am enjoying not being in control.  Not having to HAVE the control, Master.

            Yes, there are problems.  And i know that i’m not handling them well.  And that they are causing problems, Master.  i desire very much to seek solutions to these issues that i am having so that i can be right with You.  So that i can please You and serve You, Master.

            i think that we handled a one of the biggest problems already this week, Master.  That was my schedule, Sir.  It was a little wonky as we wanted to maximize our time together this past week, but i think that this week will be different, Master.  You know how much i enjoy structure and order to my life, Sir.  i think that will help me.  The biggest problem will be if we stick to it or not.  As You have seen, i will acquiesce to Your desires almost always, desiring very much to please You, to the detriment of myself.  This causes problems later on that cause me much stress.  i’m not sure if it is possible for me to respectfully remind You of the schedule or if i’m allowed to say no, Master.

            i feel like i’m riding this constant rollercoaster of emotions…highs where i am so happy, lows where i’m so overwhelmed that my brain can’t process a thought.  i’m consciously aware that i’m not handling certain areas of my submission very well.  i think the biggest part that i’m struggling with it the idea that i can’t just freely talk to you about how i feel.  You got very upset when i said earlier that You didn’t care.  And You wouldn’t let me finish explaining.  My thoughts aren’t always relevant to the conversation.  My feelings aren’t always relevant to the conversation.  i may feel or think a certain way, but unless You’ve asked me to share, i really need to learn to keep that to myself.  And i do realize that it has nothing to do with whether or not You care.  But You are in charge, my thoughts and feelings don’t trump Yours and i can’t just blurt them out because they are there.  The biggest problem is that as i’m going through all of this, i want to, i want so much to share all of my thoughts and feelings with You.

  i need my tasks emailed to me, Master.  Not sent in FB where they get lost in 10k messages.  i need my tasks to be assigned and then not changed over and over because a new idea popped into Your head like the other night. or have more tasks added for the same reason.  All this does is cause me more stress or cause me to forget or lose track of things, Sir.    i love the way You did it for my penance sir, it was easy for me find and go back and reference as i needed, Master.

   i want You to push me, Master.  i want You to bend me and mold me as much as You want.  To me, though, that doesn’t me in all different directions in the same week.  i felt this past week like i couldn’t breathe, that i couldn’t catch me breath, i couldn’t think about what i was going through, how i was feeling.  You wanted me to be Your pain slut, but then there was a public humiliation, then full frontal nudity on my blog.  Then at the end of the week, You had me orgasm over and over, admitting to being a whore and being willing to fuck any cock that was available.  That’s a lot for one week.  Yes i enjoyed parts of this week, other parts not so much, Master.

This past week did start off much better though no without its speed bumps.  i received that wonderful "love letter" from Master.  It was a crazy week for me, trying to cram a week's worth of shit into a couple of days before going out of town.  Then Aunt Flo decided to join me on my trip so i didn't get to enjoy my last training session (i REALLY wanted to!) nor did i get to sneak anything with me on my trip for some sneaky fun.

Better than Flowers

Sigh.  This is my kinda love letter...


One more thing for today, and then I’ll be on my way… every single moment that is not spent breaking up fights, being mom, being a student, or performing the other fun duties for today/tonight…I want you think only about what it would feel like to have the stainless steel butt plug replaced with a mold of My cock; wearing My cock in your ass all day; with My cock fucking your ass all day. When not preoccupied, think like a slut whore. you are one. you are Mine….

I love you. I am proud of you. I know today was very rushed and not very successful, but I am so fucking turned on right now. I was very pleased with what we accomplished, and I find myself excited for you and the rest of your day. This is not testing. It’s designed to make and keep your mood bright!

You are MY whore. My slut. My cum swallower. My pussy. My ass. My mouth. My hands. My tits. It’s all mine. And I LOVE IT!

I love you so much. I am so happy to be your Master, more than I ever thought I could be. PLEASE, scarlet, have fun today. Don’t put unnecessary pressure to succeed and be perfect. You’re not. I don’t want that. Be you. Be what I am shaping. Try to fit in the mold, naturally. Don’t force things. Don’t be shy or scared. Tonight should be the filthiest yet. I really want to see you let go. And by that I mean whatever: if that means you decide to pretend to add another “man” and use Madison in your mouth with things, then do it. No restrictions on what you can do, within the guidelines I established. Whatever roads you take is up to the mind that is my whore. But no pressure either. I have no expectations of specifics or specialties. I just want to see you embody the new you, completely. I love you, I believe in you, and I have faith that you can be this person you want to be. Have the faith yourself.

One more thing, and I will then finally go take care of Myself…

you make me the happiest Master in the world everyday. No one could ever touch the woman, mother, whore, submissive, wife that you have become. I am so glad and thankful for this life. Everyday I wake up and hope that this will all go by faster so we can really start all this. You are the reason my life is good. Now enjoy your day. No pressure. All fun. ALL LOVE. At the end of this… it’s all about LOVE. I love you so much!

Master