Here's what i've been up to

• 3 classes…never-ending homework...only ONE week left in this term! (cue “Eye of the Tiger”).

you can thank me for the earworm later

• 3 kids…toddler who never stops teething or tearing my house apart & too many snow days for the older two

• Crappy ass winter weather …i think it has a small impact on my bad mood. i need sun and warmth.  i like snow, but i want it to come and be gone the next day.  Though it did provide for some naughty picture fun.

• More drama than i care for with my volunteer work…counting the days till i can resign.  i hate that i feel that way about it because it’s something that should matter, but the people that are supposed to support the program don’t and have made my job so unbearable that i help the people i can help and that’s about it.

• A very nice reminder of my bat shit crazy mother…so fun

• Making arrangements for Master to get home and our move later this year.  Trying to declutter the house in preparation.  I’ve got a few hours for that, right? ha.

In between this overwhelming schedule that is real life…i struggled (a lot) with TTWD.  There were good days.  There were great days.  Then, the rollercoaster would come over the top of the hill and plunge at a blinding rate of speed to the bottom.  Probably explains the nauseous feeling i had those days and the adrenalin from the really good days.

The more i wanted to submit, the more i wanted to give over to Him to control, the more i hit stumbling blocks. i came to the realization that my biggest issue is that when i am stressed about anything not related to TTWD (kids, college, money, etc)  and Master starts to push, to rub the rough edges of my submission trying to sand them down, i rebel against the “sandpaper”.  Doesn’t matter the “grit” either.  And some of them were things that shouldn’t have been an issue. 

i was letting my stress spill over into my submission.  i suppose the argument could be made that this is one instance where a wall would be a good thing.  It’s hard to be submissive when you’ve had the toddler screaming at you all day, throwing toys in your lap at your head because he wants your attention, and you’re trying to be a wanton whore via Facebook.  Master is asking if something turns me on…fuck no, your child just threw his sippy cup at my head  yes, sir, my pussy is very wet.  Couple hours of that and i’m in tears, huge ball of stress, and by the time the kid goes down for a nap and i have to step up my game…the sandpaper comes out…fuck.

Mistakes were made.  i lashed out.  i got defensive and disrespectful.  I forgot my place.  We slipped back into some old arguing habits from before TTWD; things got nasty a couple of times.  i notice a few big differences though.  One that made me laugh (only afterwards) and that is that He might get to say the mean and nasty things he wants; i don’t.  So He’s calling me a bitch and a cunt (and not in the ways that make me wet) and i’m calling Him sir instead of asshole.  Not to say that i wasn’t pointed or heated with my words, just not as vicious.  I guess that’s progress.  More like self-preservation, lol.  My anger, temper, and frustration would subside almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth and i realized that i’d triggered His displeasure.  The guilt at being out of step with Him was a knife that cut deep, the words He used to remind me that i was not where i needed to be only made it worse.  Remember those issues from my childhood?  Yeah, tell me that i’m never going to good enough after i’ve fucked up really badly.  i’ve never spent so much time crying.

Rollercoaster remember?  We had the low times, but we had some really great conversations, mostly planning.  i’ve gotten some new toys to play with and had some very fun training sessions that i may one day get a chance to share.  Though at this point, i might have to go back and review my videos (GASP!) to help me remember.  I can watch through my fingers right?  i’m learning to trust Master more and with that trust comes this overwhelming desire to submit more and give Him more.  i redid my limits again for Him and changed quite a few things.  There are some areas that i thought were off limits that i want to explore more when he gets home, that we’ve talked about in a fantasy sense via email in ways that have turned us both on thus far.  It both excites and scares me how much i’m turned on by some of my and His darker fantasies.  And my willingness to trust Him enough to change my mind and allow Him to push my boundaries and test my limits on things that i would have never considered even a few months ago when we started this journey.

So in looking forward, i know that while i will probably continue to struggle with balancing my stress and my submission, there are so many other things to look forward to in the next couple of months.  My final two classes and then finishing my degree!  Making preparations for Master’s return.  i’ve got a countdown app on my phone counting down the number of days…under 60!  We will have His first night home away from the kids, just us.  And then a weekend getaway the following weekend to a cabin.  So many other little things to get ready, the house cleaned, outfits for the kids, special presents, etc.  These things have me amped up with excitement and anticipation but also keep me grounded.

Less than two months!