Here's what i've been up to

• 3 classes…never-ending homework...only ONE week left in this term! (cue “Eye of the Tiger”).

you can thank me for the earworm later

• 3 kids…toddler who never stops teething or tearing my house apart & too many snow days for the older two

• Crappy ass winter weather …i think it has a small impact on my bad mood. i need sun and warmth.  i like snow, but i want it to come and be gone the next day.  Though it did provide for some naughty picture fun.

• More drama than i care for with my volunteer work…counting the days till i can resign.  i hate that i feel that way about it because it’s something that should matter, but the people that are supposed to support the program don’t and have made my job so unbearable that i help the people i can help and that’s about it.

• A very nice reminder of my bat shit crazy mother…so fun

• Making arrangements for Master to get home and our move later this year.  Trying to declutter the house in preparation.  I’ve got a few hours for that, right? ha.

In between this overwhelming schedule that is real life…i struggled (a lot) with TTWD.  There were good days.  There were great days.  Then, the rollercoaster would come over the top of the hill and plunge at a blinding rate of speed to the bottom.  Probably explains the nauseous feeling i had those days and the adrenalin from the really good days.

The more i wanted to submit, the more i wanted to give over to Him to control, the more i hit stumbling blocks. i came to the realization that my biggest issue is that when i am stressed about anything not related to TTWD (kids, college, money, etc)  and Master starts to push, to rub the rough edges of my submission trying to sand them down, i rebel against the “sandpaper”.  Doesn’t matter the “grit” either.  And some of them were things that shouldn’t have been an issue. 

i was letting my stress spill over into my submission.  i suppose the argument could be made that this is one instance where a wall would be a good thing.  It’s hard to be submissive when you’ve had the toddler screaming at you all day, throwing toys in your lap at your head because he wants your attention, and you’re trying to be a wanton whore via Facebook.  Master is asking if something turns me on…fuck no, your child just threw his sippy cup at my head  yes, sir, my pussy is very wet.  Couple hours of that and i’m in tears, huge ball of stress, and by the time the kid goes down for a nap and i have to step up my game…the sandpaper comes out…fuck.

Mistakes were made.  i lashed out.  i got defensive and disrespectful.  I forgot my place.  We slipped back into some old arguing habits from before TTWD; things got nasty a couple of times.  i notice a few big differences though.  One that made me laugh (only afterwards) and that is that He might get to say the mean and nasty things he wants; i don’t.  So He’s calling me a bitch and a cunt (and not in the ways that make me wet) and i’m calling Him sir instead of asshole.  Not to say that i wasn’t pointed or heated with my words, just not as vicious.  I guess that’s progress.  More like self-preservation, lol.  My anger, temper, and frustration would subside almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth and i realized that i’d triggered His displeasure.  The guilt at being out of step with Him was a knife that cut deep, the words He used to remind me that i was not where i needed to be only made it worse.  Remember those issues from my childhood?  Yeah, tell me that i’m never going to good enough after i’ve fucked up really badly.  i’ve never spent so much time crying.

Rollercoaster remember?  We had the low times, but we had some really great conversations, mostly planning.  i’ve gotten some new toys to play with and had some very fun training sessions that i may one day get a chance to share.  Though at this point, i might have to go back and review my videos (GASP!) to help me remember.  I can watch through my fingers right?  i’m learning to trust Master more and with that trust comes this overwhelming desire to submit more and give Him more.  i redid my limits again for Him and changed quite a few things.  There are some areas that i thought were off limits that i want to explore more when he gets home, that we’ve talked about in a fantasy sense via email in ways that have turned us both on thus far.  It both excites and scares me how much i’m turned on by some of my and His darker fantasies.  And my willingness to trust Him enough to change my mind and allow Him to push my boundaries and test my limits on things that i would have never considered even a few months ago when we started this journey.

So in looking forward, i know that while i will probably continue to struggle with balancing my stress and my submission, there are so many other things to look forward to in the next couple of months.  My final two classes and then finishing my degree!  Making preparations for Master’s return.  i’ve got a countdown app on my phone counting down the number of days…under 60!  We will have His first night home away from the kids, just us.  And then a weekend getaway the following weekend to a cabin.  So many other little things to get ready, the house cleaned, outfits for the kids, special presents, etc.  These things have me amped up with excitement and anticipation but also keep me grounded.

Less than two months!

Submissive's Prayer

This might be my new meditation every morning....it's been a rough couple of weeks.

Ask...

and you shall receive.

Sometimes more than you want and not in the way you want.

i’ve mentioned that the last few week(ends) have been stressful.  Usually by the end of the week, my college deadlines are breathing down my neck, my children are all home and driving me nuts, and i’ve got training or other tasks for Master.  i would love nothing more than to be able to focus solely on my submission and my Master’s desires, but life gets in the way of our fantasy world way too often.

Master has been very understanding this week and very gracious.  We’ve worked each day to find time to talk, time to train and complete tasks, and time for me to focus on school and kids and other “real life” things.

My posts from last week had been the jumping point for several conversations.  Some of it went well, some of it not so well.  i got a wonderful affirmation that i had to carry with me and ready periodically throughout the day….

I am a mother.

I am a student.

I am a submissive.

Most importantly, I AM A STRONG, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I can do ANYTHING.

Today I will shed my fears and pity, and I will show the world my strength.

It has really helped me this week.  And Master has noticed it too.  Thanks to Aunt Flo, it was Wednesday before i got to train for the week.  It pushed my boundaries again, pretending to be with another man while Master (one of His fantasies), talking out how much i wanted to suck and fuck this other “man”.  i think i tackled it better than i have in the past, i hope he’s pleased with the video when He sees it.  Plus after a week of no orgasms, it was really nice to get off.

As we got closer to the weekend, i could feel my stress level rising a little, but i was determined that i would be in control of that.  After all, i can do ANYTHING.  (side note – Katy Perry’s Roar pops into my head just about every time i read this affirmation.  <eyeroll> daughters.) Master decided He would help me keep my stress level down and get everything done.  No more training until my course work was done. Seriously?  Now that’s just wrong.  i just went a week without an orgasm and now i’m getting this week’s taken away.  i was pretty devastated…even though i know that it was in my best interest, it still felt like a punishment.  i really look forward to my training at the end of a long day.

In the end, it was a probably a good thing.  i had everything finished by 2pm on Sunday.  That hasn’t happened in since last term.  i even had time to be sick and go to bed at 10 pm one night! Completely unheard of in my world. The walls didn’t even come crumbling down either.

Come Sunday…i was eager for training.  Or maybe i was eager for an orgasm, lol.  But then Master had some stuff come up and wasn’t able to get me my tasks.  i was expecting to hear from Him at 11pm but it was approaching midnight before i got the first email.  As it was getting late, He suggested that i could just go to bed.  Hell no! i politely told Him i still wanted to train.  He was rushed with work so didn’t have time to plan for me and wanted to know my thoughts.  i suggested the training that He’d cancelled from earlier in the week.  He seemed surprised given how tired and under the weather i’d been and asked if i’d rather just have a fun session with my favorite vibrator.  Tempting…oh how i love my rabbit vibe.  i said no, i wanted the other training.  i don’t want to short change myself.  Besides, in that training, i still got to finish with the rabbit, lol!  Win-win!  If i take this opportunity to be lazy, then i’m going to expect another one down the road.  i want the hard task.  i want to be pushed.  It was worth it; i really enjoyed it.  Partly because i just needed the release and partly because i knew that i had impressed Master with my own dedication.

Still looking for balance between all my responsibilities.  i don’t want to have one area suffering at the expense of the other, especially when that area is my submission.  Still working on letting go, and even pushing my own self to exceed Master’s expectations.  But it’s a journey and even with the downs and little speed bumps, i still enjoy every minute.

Inner struggles

i have been seriously struggling the last couple of weeks and it’s really bothering me.  And it’s causing problems between Master and i as a result.  It seems that the more Master pushes my boundaries, the more i dig in my heels and refuse to let go.  This is not what i want to be doing!  What the fuck is wrong with me?  i want to let go.  i want to push my limits.  i want to further my submission to Him.

It’s this damn inner struggle.

Just fucking stop struggling already.

If only it was that easy.  If only the submissive side of my brain could kick the rational side of my brain.  If only, if only. 

My struggles have caused Him to doubt my desire and ability for this.  He says my dedication and eagerness has waned in the last couple weeks.  My words and my actions don’t match up.  i say the right things.  He pushes me.  i push back (my mouth gets in my way).  He gets frustrated and pulls back. 

He says it’s a game.  If it is, then you are definitely losing.

Just fucking stop struggling already.

i wish i knew how.  He withdraws to let me figure this out and i feel like it creates more struggles.  Now you’ve done it.  Your Master doesn’t want to be around you because you can’t get your shit together.  Loneliness and isolation add to my struggles when He withdraws from me.  i feel like i’m failing.

You’re not trusting Him.

i want to let go, do everything that He wants me to. 

But you’re not trusting Him.

i am sabotaging my submission.  i am ruining this experience for both of us.

Well fucking stop it.

How?  How do i get the rational part of my brain to shut the fuck up and let the submissive part take over?  How do i stop worrying and wondering and questioning every minute of my submission because my brain won’t stop processing everything i do, everything He says?  How do i get my mouth to shut up so my body enjoys the pleasure He provides me?

Duct tape might fix your mouth.

i need to learn to let go.  To enjoy my submission without overthinking it.  i don’t even know why i’m overthinking it.  i want this more than anything and i’m quickly discovering how much i NEED it.  So i need to work through these issues.  i feel like a top that’s spinning slightly unbalanced.  i need to be respun.  But before i can do that, i have to trust the person that i’m going to let spin me.

Trust.

i’ve been playing lip service to this word.  Telling Master that i trust Him but not really allowing myself to believe that i do.  Maybe it’s the distance, maybe it’s some of our history mudding up the waters.  As i sit and type this, i know there isn’t any reason to doubt Him.  i’ve already done so much for Him, trusting Him with my body (shit, i love breath play).  i need to hold on to that trust and use it to let go.  My submission isn’t going anywhere until i begin to believe that i trust Him and project that trust outward into my submission so that He sees it and feels it.

Let go.  Fall.  Trust.  Don’t sabotage.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Totally behind on my writing and there's a post that goes before this one that i still haven't finished, but i'm procrastinating....

           Ok, so the title is slightly over-dramatic.  my Sunday(s) haven’t been bloody.  But the last two first two weekends in Nov have been rough.  Grade-A meltdown two weeks in a row.

WTF is wrong with me?

            The first week was orgasm denial (as a punishment), additional writing assignments (also punishments) and multiple emails each day to Master, on top of a crazy heavy week in my two upper level college classes.  Oh, and it was Halloween so there was extra kid stuff to deal with.  By Sunday, my body hated me, my brain couldn’t function anymore, and the kids were driving me nuts (it was the weekend, they were home, underfoot, and bored!).  There was no way i was going to get everything i needed to get done finished by the end of the week.  Every bit of further conversation felt like more weight pressing down on me.

And i cracked.  i just lost it on the phone with Master.  i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger.  i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.

Master was well within his right to discipline me further for my disrespect.  Instead, he waited for me to get control and he talked me down off the ledge.  My training for the evening was postponed.  i managed to get my schoolwork finished before my deadlines (barely).  i went to bed vowing that the coming week would be different.

Fast forward seven days…

No punishments this that week (well there was almost one, but it turned out to be a communication issue).  There was a public humiliation, some pretty intense training, a volunteer project, and more course work (can’t wait for that to end).  Master was available for video chat and required a little more time than i was prepared for.  Then there was this fantasy story that i had to write and then record the audio of me reading.  By Sunday, i was staring down the barrel of homework deadlines and feeling the pressure of my conversations with Master.  Every time he would ask me to talk dirty to make His cock hard, i would tear up.  i had nothing left.

And i cracked.  i just lost it while chatting with Master.  i couldn’t do what He asked.  i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger.  i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.

Whoa. Déjà vu.

Everything ground to a halt.  Master was unhappy with me.  i was unhappy with myself.  He started questioning my desire for this.  i tried to explain to Him that it was the stress, that i wasn’t managing everything well.  i didn’t know how to fix it.  Master told me to send Him a letter offering Him solutions to what i thought the problems were.  That i needed to bring something to the table since He isn’t home to see all the other things that get in the way, the real life that creeps in.  After our conversation, i managed to get my ass in gear to get my other stuff done.  Then sat down to write my letter.

Here’s a bit of it…

            i am not wavering in my commitment to You Master.  i am Yours.  i am Your submissive…i have given myself to You, You own me, my body, my mind.  It is my desire that You mold me into the submissive that You desire.  i want to please You and serve You in the ways that You want me too.  i have given up the right to make these decisions about the person that i am.  And You know what, Master?  i am ok with it.  It doesn’t bother me anymore.  i don’t miss the bitch, the hard ass personality.  i am enjoying the “softer” side.  I am enjoying not being in control.  Not having to HAVE the control, Master.

            Yes, there are problems.  And i know that i’m not handling them well.  And that they are causing problems, Master.  i desire very much to seek solutions to these issues that i am having so that i can be right with You.  So that i can please You and serve You, Master.

            i think that we handled a one of the biggest problems already this week, Master.  That was my schedule, Sir.  It was a little wonky as we wanted to maximize our time together this past week, but i think that this week will be different, Master.  You know how much i enjoy structure and order to my life, Sir.  i think that will help me.  The biggest problem will be if we stick to it or not.  As You have seen, i will acquiesce to Your desires almost always, desiring very much to please You, to the detriment of myself.  This causes problems later on that cause me much stress.  i’m not sure if it is possible for me to respectfully remind You of the schedule or if i’m allowed to say no, Master.

            i feel like i’m riding this constant rollercoaster of emotions…highs where i am so happy, lows where i’m so overwhelmed that my brain can’t process a thought.  i’m consciously aware that i’m not handling certain areas of my submission very well.  i think the biggest part that i’m struggling with it the idea that i can’t just freely talk to you about how i feel.  You got very upset when i said earlier that You didn’t care.  And You wouldn’t let me finish explaining.  My thoughts aren’t always relevant to the conversation.  My feelings aren’t always relevant to the conversation.  i may feel or think a certain way, but unless You’ve asked me to share, i really need to learn to keep that to myself.  And i do realize that it has nothing to do with whether or not You care.  But You are in charge, my thoughts and feelings don’t trump Yours and i can’t just blurt them out because they are there.  The biggest problem is that as i’m going through all of this, i want to, i want so much to share all of my thoughts and feelings with You.

  i need my tasks emailed to me, Master.  Not sent in FB where they get lost in 10k messages.  i need my tasks to be assigned and then not changed over and over because a new idea popped into Your head like the other night. or have more tasks added for the same reason.  All this does is cause me more stress or cause me to forget or lose track of things, Sir.    i love the way You did it for my penance sir, it was easy for me find and go back and reference as i needed, Master.

   i want You to push me, Master.  i want You to bend me and mold me as much as You want.  To me, though, that doesn’t me in all different directions in the same week.  i felt this past week like i couldn’t breathe, that i couldn’t catch me breath, i couldn’t think about what i was going through, how i was feeling.  You wanted me to be Your pain slut, but then there was a public humiliation, then full frontal nudity on my blog.  Then at the end of the week, You had me orgasm over and over, admitting to being a whore and being willing to fuck any cock that was available.  That’s a lot for one week.  Yes i enjoyed parts of this week, other parts not so much, Master.

This past week did start off much better though no without its speed bumps.  i received that wonderful "love letter" from Master.  It was a crazy week for me, trying to cram a week's worth of shit into a couple of days before going out of town.  Then Aunt Flo decided to join me on my trip so i didn't get to enjoy my last training session (i REALLY wanted to!) nor did i get to sneak anything with me on my trip for some sneaky fun.