Firsts and Changes

The weeks since Master has returned have been a whirlwind of settling back into routines and trying new things.  i wish i could say that it's been smooth; that we melded seamlessly into this dynamic that we spent 6 months carefully crafting via Facebook and email.  But it didn't.  Real life is messy and it gets in the way of the fantasy.

i (and Master too for that matter) completely underestimated my emotional response.  Everything those first couple of weeks was so overwhelming.  Not usually in a bad way either.  It was just so much input and so much for my overly analytical brain to process that i couldn't keep up (and i still haven't mastered shutting it off).  i would frequently start crying when i didn't mean to or want to.  Then i would worry that Master would think that something was wrong when there wasn't (again all up in my head).  There were times where i felt i couldn't breathe. But i didn't know what was wrong or how to fix it.

After a long absence, there's a lot of just normal everyday stuff that has to be adjusted.  Handing over the remote.  Not stepping on each other's toes regarding the kids.  Learning to talk to another adult after talking to 3 kids all the time.  Having someone's shoes to trip over (and biting my tongue when i almost break my neck).

In the midst of all this adjustment, we had some pretty incredible firsts.  Some may be the subject of future posts as i try to get caught up a bit on my blogging (apologies in advance because it'll probably be a little scattered and out of order).  Some i think i'll just keep as really good memories between us.

i've already written about how incredible worshipping his cock was for the first time.  It's one of my favorite things and favorite ways to serve Him.  The first time i sucked his cock while riding a dildo on the Liberator cushion was really intense for me.  So many different ways that this has been incorporated into our dynamic in the past few weeks and so many more ways that we've discussed and just not had the chance to try!

My first punishment was another first (didn't take very long either, lol).  We had been out on a date; i wasn't being very respectful and forgetting my manners.  While the date was absolutely wonderful, towards the end a disagreement about where to go next and how to get there (and falling back into old habits)...it wasn't very pretty and there wasn't a resolution before we gave up and went to bed.  In the morning, we hashed it out with cooler heads and Master gave out his discipline.  i had to strip in the living room and kneel with my face in the chair and my ass up.  He took his belt to my ass, several hard smacks that brought tears to my eyes as i tried not to cry out apologizing and thanking Him after each one.  Then He had me turn around and kneel and suck His cock.  When it was over, it was over.  There was no lingering resentment, no wondering if He was still mad at me.  Despite not liking the spanking (and why is it that i love getting beat for fun, but hate getting beat for punishment?), the closure was great.  He wrapped me in his arms when i was finished servicing Him and told me that i had done well and that nothing more was to be made of the previous night's events.  The rest of the day was great.

Probably my favorite first was our first play session.  i wore my collar and cuffs for the first time for Him.  Lying down on our bed face down, wrists bound behind me and legs tied to the corners of the bed.  He took His time introducing our toys to my butt, leg, and back in His manner.  He went through all of them, varying the speed, the strength and location.  It completely overwhelmed me.  Not so much the pain; that i found i could take.  It's that pesky issue without forgetting to breathe when things get intense.  The more He changed toys, the more overwhelmed i got and then i got panicky which means i forgot to breathe more.  When i started to get panicky, He stopped to check on me which i didn't want (the stopping not the checking on me), but i was without words at the moment.  i just needed Him to slow down while i caught my breath.  Outside of that, it was fun and awesome to finally be able to play together.

Our relationship seem in a constant state of flux as we attempt to figure out what works and what doesn't.  Lots of changes to varying degrees.

• Changes to the way we communicate are a big one.  It goes beyond just remembering to say "Sir" and "Master".  i use "Sir" to some extent in front of the children.  i figure it can't hurt to remind them to be respectful.  It's remembering not to say "yeah" when he calls out for me or respond with "ok".  Though He is learning not the use "Ok?" because the natural response is "Ok."  i get called "slut" and "whore" as part of regular conversation now, even outside of sex talk.  Funny story - We're sitting on the couch and our daughter comes down the stairs behind us.  Master calls out, "Hey Slll....Hey."  i immediately crack up because i know he came half a second from calling our daughter a slut.  Which would not have been funny, but He stopped Himself.  

• There's more service in our relationship now.  i get up around 5am now to help Him get ready for work, make His morning coffee and breakfast, and see Him off.  This is a big change from rolling over when He woke up and pulling the blankets over my head.  i enjoy spending the time with Him in the morning, just us.  i wash His body when we shower together.  i make His drinks and serve Him as He asks, often coming to kneel at His feet to ask if He needs anything.  i don't feel the old emotions anymore that He's being self-centered or that He takes without giving back.  i enjoy serving Him.

• i no longer put school before everything else; staying up after He goes to bed to finish assignments.  (luckily, i've got 8 weeks to not worry about it at all now).  i go to bed with Him, even though that meant getting used to a bedtime before midnight after months of staying up will 1 or 2am.  Our relationship, our marriage, is our primary focus with new agreements regarding date nights and also time for ourselves away from the house (him-golf; me-pampering/movies/etc).  

We're still trying to figure out the rest of it.  Rules and routine, protocols.  The best thing is:  this is our life to build together and we have all the time in the world to figure it out, to make it what we want it to be.

hehe...this is post #69

On My Knees

From His first day home...

i follow Him up the stairs for the first time in 9 long months.  Still filled with the same nervous, excited energy that i've had all day.  i shut the door quietly behind me and pause.

Come here, scarlet.

i think my heart stopped right there for a second.  i know i got all goosebumpy.  i walked over and stood in front of Him.

Undress your Master, scarlet.

i slowly unbutton his shirt, enjoying the feeling of having my hands on Him again after so long.  i push the open shirt down his arms and let it fall to the floor.  My hands find his chest as my lips go to His.  They slide down his chest as we kiss, falling to his belt buckle, slowly unbuckling it.  Then the pants and sliding down the zipper, my lips on His.  i push his pants to the floor as i drop to my knees, then tug lightly on his boxers to pull them down.

i close my eyes and open them.  It's like unwrapping the best present ever!  His hard cock inches from my face. i lick my lips and look up at him, waiting.  He says nothing, just looks at me.

Oh.  Master may i worship your cock?

i've waited for so long to say those words.  So many conversations talking about it, planning for, imagining it.  This is better than all of it.

Yes you may.  Even better words to hear.

i wrap my hand around the base of his cock, stroking up, feeling and touching.  Getting myself reacquainted.  Hard.  Velvety.  Warm.

My pussy is wet and aching for Master's cock, but for now i'm satisfied with touch...and taste.

My tongue laps at the head, tasting the bit of precum there.  I pull just the tip into my mouth and roll my tongue around it.  i listen and delight in the groans of pleasure coming from Master; His hand goes to the top of my head and i know He's wanting more.  i flatten my tongue and slide His cock in.  The steel barbell running along the underside, adding to His pleasure.  i suck as i slide Him in and out, fondling His balls, or wrapping my hand around the base.  my left hand on the side of His thigh steadying myself.  i slide farther and farther, until i feel the head at the back of my throat pushing against me.

i. am. in. heaven.

i am thoroughly enjoying my worship of His cock, content to keep going until He cums.  But Master has other plans.  He pulls His cock out of my mouth and lifts me up off the floor.  Then he pushes me face down on the bed.  My pants come down.  His fingers roughly explore my wet pussy, bringing me quickly to the edge in a way only He can.  Then i'm flipped over onto my back and His cock slides into me.

My pussy is fucked hard and fast, on the edge of the bed.  i wrap my legs around Master's back, my arms around his neck...i want Him as close to me as possible as He fucks me until He cums.

He's Home!

i am giddy like a school girl.   But just as nervous.  Biting my lower lip while i follow the 2-foot terrorist around the baggage area.  His plane is already on the ground and we are just waiting for Him to make His way down to the baggage area.

i grab the kid and divert him around in another direction.  He laughs and takes off.  My phone rings.  He's coming down.  The butterflies and nerves have not stopped all morning.  Eight months is a long fucking time to be apart.

i peer through the crowd headed my way for the baggage claim looking for my Master, my husband.  i scoop up our son and start talking about Daddy who he knows only from video and phone calls.  THERE HE IS!

My heart races, overwhelmed with love...with happiness...with desire.  We hug and kiss.  After so long, it's the simple things that mean the most.  Like being able to hold hands.  The toddler recognizes Daddy's voice but not his face.

Master has a colleague with Him so we hold back until after we drop him off.  Hands held in the car on the way home, leaning over to kiss passionately at each stop, leaning my head on His shoulder.  i missed Him so much.  i forgot how much (you get used to it after awhile) until He was there in front of me.

Being able to call Him "sir" and "Master" in person...seeing the smile on His face when i say it, these are the moments i waited for all these months.  It's only for 2 weeks, but we're going to make the most of it.

Are you ready?

It's just after midnight on a Sunday.  i'm tired and my eyes from hours spent finishing up coursework for my two classes.  i yawn and rub my eyes, shut my laptop, and drag my weary body off the couch. i'm just about the turn off the TV when my cell phone rings.  There's only one person who calls this late, though it's morning where He's at.  Master.

"Hello Sir." i sigh.  i haven't talked to Him much in the last couple of days and due to some changes at His work there has been no play or conversations relating to my submission.

"Are you ready for me to come home?"  Yes, duh.  Been ready for months.  "Yes sir, i am."

"i'll be home in 3 days" He says.  WTF?! Why? We're still a month out.  My tired brain spins out while i sputter a response.  i don't remember the rest of our conversation that night.  When we hung up, i broke down sobbing so overwhelmed with emotion.  Then i fell asleep exhausted emotionally and physically.

i woke the next morning and my immediate first thought was that it had been a dream.  i grabbed my phone and looked for an email to prove that our conversation had actually taken place.  No, i'm not going crazy.  Yet.  There it was, an email from my Master outlining his itinerary home and letting me know what He expected me to get done for Him before His return. Cuz, no, the house wasn't clean...i have a terrorist for a toddler. 

The excitement starts to build in me.  He's coming home, He's coming home!  It's a bit bittersweet though.  It's just a temporary return, work-related.  He still has to leave again to go back for another couple of weeks.  But He'll be home for almost TWO WEEKS! (now you know where i've been hiding)

With the excitement came a whole wave of anxiety.  In no way did i feel like i was mentally prepared for His return.  i turned my focus to getting the house ready, shopping for groceries to prepare His favorite meals, and preparing to surprise our kids.  i tried to push all the anxiety down, swallow it, and ignore it.  i focused on my excitement about his return and finally being able to have TTWD be more than emails and phone calls and videos.

to be continued...

Answers: Pearl Necklace's Questions

These questions come from Pearl Necklace over at Happily Surrendered and Submissive.  My apologies for taking so long to get to them.  It's been a little crazy over here this past week few weeks.  (In a totally awesome way, which I'll get to in later posts!!!)

You talk about waiting to physically be reunited with your guy...Have you two shared this D/s life in person or did it start while you have been apart?

Master and i have been together for half a dozen years now.  We have had a fairly vanilla sex life during that time.  Occasionally, we'd try new things, but it didn't delve into anything really kinky until last summer.  i've been interested in (and have experimented with) elements of kink in other relationships, but always assumed that my husband wouldn't be interested in it.  We were both raised very traditionally and i have very different ideas about sex and relationships than He does.  Comments and small conversations early on in our relationship didn't make Him appear very open so i closed down that part of my sexuality.  That causes some problems.

Our communication was never very good, but we had a major fight last summer and after when we were calming down, i finally dropped this major bombshell: that i provoke or continue the arguments so that He'll get rough with me because it turns me on.  The make-up sex we had when He's still mad me, when it's rough, when He's forceful, that i need more of that.  That led to us experimenting with a few things, some rougher sex, some elements of D/s and kink.  Some things went well and we liked, some of what we tried didn't because we just needed more research and communication into what we liked and wanted.

But then he left...for 9 months.  Which makes further exploration really hard.  When you're separated and all you can do is talk, it allows you to work out some things.  We hit a few roadblocks in our marriage along the way, but TTWD has helped improve our communication and also allowed us to better see how we want to shape our future.  

One thing you NEVER thought you would try that you have or are now willing to?

i think the biggest thing that i never thought that i would try is our dynamic.  i always was drawn to kink: bondage, breath play, toys.  But never would I have thought that i would call my husband "Master" and "Sir" or enjoy it!  Or to allow another person to control ALL of my sexual experiences.  Seven months later, it feels natural.

Here's what i've been up to

• 3 classes…never-ending homework...only ONE week left in this term! (cue “Eye of the Tiger”).

you can thank me for the earworm later

• 3 kids…toddler who never stops teething or tearing my house apart & too many snow days for the older two

• Crappy ass winter weather …i think it has a small impact on my bad mood. i need sun and warmth.  i like snow, but i want it to come and be gone the next day.  Though it did provide for some naughty picture fun.

• More drama than i care for with my volunteer work…counting the days till i can resign.  i hate that i feel that way about it because it’s something that should matter, but the people that are supposed to support the program don’t and have made my job so unbearable that i help the people i can help and that’s about it.

• A very nice reminder of my bat shit crazy mother…so fun

• Making arrangements for Master to get home and our move later this year.  Trying to declutter the house in preparation.  I’ve got a few hours for that, right? ha.

In between this overwhelming schedule that is real life…i struggled (a lot) with TTWD.  There were good days.  There were great days.  Then, the rollercoaster would come over the top of the hill and plunge at a blinding rate of speed to the bottom.  Probably explains the nauseous feeling i had those days and the adrenalin from the really good days.

The more i wanted to submit, the more i wanted to give over to Him to control, the more i hit stumbling blocks. i came to the realization that my biggest issue is that when i am stressed about anything not related to TTWD (kids, college, money, etc)  and Master starts to push, to rub the rough edges of my submission trying to sand them down, i rebel against the “sandpaper”.  Doesn’t matter the “grit” either.  And some of them were things that shouldn’t have been an issue. 

i was letting my stress spill over into my submission.  i suppose the argument could be made that this is one instance where a wall would be a good thing.  It’s hard to be submissive when you’ve had the toddler screaming at you all day, throwing toys in your lap at your head because he wants your attention, and you’re trying to be a wanton whore via Facebook.  Master is asking if something turns me on…fuck no, your child just threw his sippy cup at my head  yes, sir, my pussy is very wet.  Couple hours of that and i’m in tears, huge ball of stress, and by the time the kid goes down for a nap and i have to step up my game…the sandpaper comes out…fuck.

Mistakes were made.  i lashed out.  i got defensive and disrespectful.  I forgot my place.  We slipped back into some old arguing habits from before TTWD; things got nasty a couple of times.  i notice a few big differences though.  One that made me laugh (only afterwards) and that is that He might get to say the mean and nasty things he wants; i don’t.  So He’s calling me a bitch and a cunt (and not in the ways that make me wet) and i’m calling Him sir instead of asshole.  Not to say that i wasn’t pointed or heated with my words, just not as vicious.  I guess that’s progress.  More like self-preservation, lol.  My anger, temper, and frustration would subside almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth and i realized that i’d triggered His displeasure.  The guilt at being out of step with Him was a knife that cut deep, the words He used to remind me that i was not where i needed to be only made it worse.  Remember those issues from my childhood?  Yeah, tell me that i’m never going to good enough after i’ve fucked up really badly.  i’ve never spent so much time crying.

Rollercoaster remember?  We had the low times, but we had some really great conversations, mostly planning.  i’ve gotten some new toys to play with and had some very fun training sessions that i may one day get a chance to share.  Though at this point, i might have to go back and review my videos (GASP!) to help me remember.  I can watch through my fingers right?  i’m learning to trust Master more and with that trust comes this overwhelming desire to submit more and give Him more.  i redid my limits again for Him and changed quite a few things.  There are some areas that i thought were off limits that i want to explore more when he gets home, that we’ve talked about in a fantasy sense via email in ways that have turned us both on thus far.  It both excites and scares me how much i’m turned on by some of my and His darker fantasies.  And my willingness to trust Him enough to change my mind and allow Him to push my boundaries and test my limits on things that i would have never considered even a few months ago when we started this journey.

So in looking forward, i know that while i will probably continue to struggle with balancing my stress and my submission, there are so many other things to look forward to in the next couple of months.  My final two classes and then finishing my degree!  Making preparations for Master’s return.  i’ve got a countdown app on my phone counting down the number of days…under 60!  We will have His first night home away from the kids, just us.  And then a weekend getaway the following weekend to a cabin.  So many other little things to get ready, the house cleaned, outfits for the kids, special presents, etc.  These things have me amped up with excitement and anticipation but also keep me grounded.

Less than two months!

embracing...

Master says this is the new phrase i'm to learn and embrace...

Dom Questions #1

Sin over at finding my submission has provided a series of Dom Questions for us submissives/slaves to ask our Doms/Masters.  You can read more about it here and find links to some of the responses here.  i asked Master if He would like to participate and this is his answer to the first question:

What does your submissive's submission mean to you?

This question is a paradox, because the answer is very complex, yet very simple. The complex answer is that your submission is very important to the couple that we have become. We do not live in a world that lends itself in any way to our chosen lifestyle, even presenting hazards along the way. So your submission is more that just a simple power exchange with me. It is a choice we make, and a risk that you take, just as much as I do, because this is what you need, as much as I do, for our love to grow and our relationship to be successful.

your submission gives me purpose in not only our marriage, but in our life, that I never knew could exist. It motivates me to be as good of a Master, husband and father as I can possibly be. My professional life has been the focus of how we build our life for the 7 years that we have been together. Having TTWD become an engrained part of who we are has shifted that. My profession is no longer the driving factor in how we conduct our lives, but rather the one that supports the way we now choose to live.

your submission gives me hope, joy, and intense emotional closeness that, to this point, you and I had never been able to share. All of that is the very complex, long way of saying the simpler thing:

your submission is EVERYTHING to me, and I love you more every single day of this journey, and I never want it to end.

i don't know about you...

but i could use a little lot of this!

Submissive's Prayer

This might be my new meditation every morning....it's been a rough couple of weeks.

Suggestions Please

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Open windows

i am not an exhibitionist.  i am not turned on by the thrill of exposure or the possibility of getting caught.

However, something that i’m slowly learning is that part of my submission involves doing things because my Master enjoys them.  Or He enjoys having me do them.  it doesn’t necessarily have to be my kink, but i get pleasure from the pleasure He gets from it. That makes sense right?

Exhibition freaks me the fuck out.  It makes me nervous, my heart races, my chest tightens, and i have a big issue with getting enjoyment from it.  For the most part, we’ve agreed to put a lot of it on the back burner till He gets home.

But the other day, i was hanging out in the living room masturbating with the magic wand on my pussy while we were chatting.  He brought me right to edge and He was pushing to see just how far i was willing to go to be allowed to cum.  Would i open the blinds?  A purely hypothetical question on his part and all He was looking for was “Yes Master, your whore would do anything.”

Well, i wanted to impress Him and push myself and be willing to actually do it so i asked a question about what he meant by facing the window.  In my mind, it was a purely reasonable question.  Could i open the blinds, but stay on the couch 5 feet away?  Or was He meaning that He would want me to be standing in front of the window?  Big difference right?

Totally blew up in my face.  He thought i was too far in my head and He plugged the plug on the whole thing and i was left on the edge and grumpy all afternoon.  Sucks when you can’t get your point across with just words on a screen.  Though that was the afternoon before this so i guess the night made up for it.

Master brought the scene back up the following day when i was wearing the bullet.  He allowed me to explain myself better, what my intentions had been the day before, and He wanted to know a bit more about why…

i guess mostly i was so on the edge that it was partly because i wanted to cum, and then partly that i wanted to show you that i could do it Sir.

I like that answer. Was there a naughty thrill in it?

Yes sir, there was.

That you liked?

i did.very much.

Conversation about having me answer the door in just my robe (barely closed), when the UPS shows up.  Or for a door-to-door solicitor.

Would it turn you on?

No Sir...i am not an exhibitionist Sir.  These things don't turn me on.

I know. My goal is to make you more comfortable with that side for Me.

i can be comfortable with it Sir and i am getting comfortable with it.  But You can keep asking me these questions, it's probably never going to turn me on, that's just not how i am, Sir.

Ok. I can appreciate that point.  Thank you for being honest. You want to for Me, but not for you. I can appreciate that.

Do you want Me to push/test your limits or do you simply want to cum?

i would ok with pushing my limits a little Sir

Take off pants, leave on panties.

i stand up, slowly unbutton my jeans, pulling the remote for the bullet out of my pocket as i slide them over my ass and down my legs, keeping an eye on the window for passing cars and foot traffic.

How do you feel slut?

Naughty, Sir

Put the laptop to your left in the middle where you can still type. Put the recliner up and spread your legs some.

i shift around, still keeping an eye on the window.  A car passes, my heart quickens.  i take a picture with my cell phone to show Master later that i’m really doing what He’s asked.

Turn the bullet up high.  It is Sir  Do you want to rub your clit?  Yes sir, very much!

Good. Pull your panties aside and rub your clit until I tell you to stop.

i do as i’m told, pulling aside my panties and rubbing my two fingers along my clit while the bullet still vibrates inside me.  Another car drives by.

Stop…but keep your panties aside. Do you want more?

Yes sir.  Please.

Do you care if anyone sees?

A little sir

But cumming is more important?

Yes sir

Get totally naked.  Stand up and rub your pussy.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  Omg, my brain is spinning now.  What if someone walks by?  At least on the couch it’s at an angle from the window so you’d have to get a good look in to really see something, but standing in front of the couch, i’m really exposed.  i’m practically trembling, but i do as i’m asked to.  Master checks in and asks me how i'm feeling…

Nervous Sir

Ok.  Do you want me to let you cum?

Yes Sir, i do please

Lay across the couch with your head on your side and fuck your pussy with your fingers until you cum. then quickly dress and come talk to Me.

i breathe a sigh of relief, lay down on the couch, grateful to be out of the direct line of sight of the window.  I grab my phone to record the moment, use two fingers to fuck my pussy.  i quickly bring myself to orgasm, watching the window the entire time, surprised i could even cum as nervous as i was.  i turn the camera to show Master the open blinds at the end before shutting off the camera.  Then i stand up and dress in front off the open windows.  My heart still racing the whole time.

During my post-play with Master…

you have shown Me over the last 2 weeks, minus a bump here or there, the lengths to which you will go to commit and strive with dedication to complete tasking, improve behavior, and be the submissive that I desire.  This is exactly what I expect from my submissive that is training, as she should and as such, I want you to wear your training collar.

Stunned.  i wasn’t expecting this.  i did this today for Him to show Him that i can push myself, but i didn’t do it expecting this.  i’m so happy to have pleased Him this much.

His reasoning…

1.  you never asked for it back.
2.  you were willing to simply let go (finally)
3. you showed me that you are taking seriously my wants and desires, no matter what they may be (within hard limits)
4. you did all of this with no expectations of reward or gratitude. Simply of service to your Master. (this is the biggest).