Firsts and Changes

The weeks since Master has returned have been a whirlwind of settling back into routines and trying new things.  i wish i could say that it's been smooth; that we melded seamlessly into this dynamic that we spent 6 months carefully crafting via Facebook and email.  But it didn't.  Real life is messy and it gets in the way of the fantasy.

i (and Master too for that matter) completely underestimated my emotional response.  Everything those first couple of weeks was so overwhelming.  Not usually in a bad way either.  It was just so much input and so much for my overly analytical brain to process that i couldn't keep up (and i still haven't mastered shutting it off).  i would frequently start crying when i didn't mean to or want to.  Then i would worry that Master would think that something was wrong when there wasn't (again all up in my head).  There were times where i felt i couldn't breathe. But i didn't know what was wrong or how to fix it.

After a long absence, there's a lot of just normal everyday stuff that has to be adjusted.  Handing over the remote.  Not stepping on each other's toes regarding the kids.  Learning to talk to another adult after talking to 3 kids all the time.  Having someone's shoes to trip over (and biting my tongue when i almost break my neck).

In the midst of all this adjustment, we had some pretty incredible firsts.  Some may be the subject of future posts as i try to get caught up a bit on my blogging (apologies in advance because it'll probably be a little scattered and out of order).  Some i think i'll just keep as really good memories between us.

i've already written about how incredible worshipping his cock was for the first time.  It's one of my favorite things and favorite ways to serve Him.  The first time i sucked his cock while riding a dildo on the Liberator cushion was really intense for me.  So many different ways that this has been incorporated into our dynamic in the past few weeks and so many more ways that we've discussed and just not had the chance to try!

My first punishment was another first (didn't take very long either, lol).  We had been out on a date; i wasn't being very respectful and forgetting my manners.  While the date was absolutely wonderful, towards the end a disagreement about where to go next and how to get there (and falling back into old habits)...it wasn't very pretty and there wasn't a resolution before we gave up and went to bed.  In the morning, we hashed it out with cooler heads and Master gave out his discipline.  i had to strip in the living room and kneel with my face in the chair and my ass up.  He took his belt to my ass, several hard smacks that brought tears to my eyes as i tried not to cry out apologizing and thanking Him after each one.  Then He had me turn around and kneel and suck His cock.  When it was over, it was over.  There was no lingering resentment, no wondering if He was still mad at me.  Despite not liking the spanking (and why is it that i love getting beat for fun, but hate getting beat for punishment?), the closure was great.  He wrapped me in his arms when i was finished servicing Him and told me that i had done well and that nothing more was to be made of the previous night's events.  The rest of the day was great.

Probably my favorite first was our first play session.  i wore my collar and cuffs for the first time for Him.  Lying down on our bed face down, wrists bound behind me and legs tied to the corners of the bed.  He took His time introducing our toys to my butt, leg, and back in His manner.  He went through all of them, varying the speed, the strength and location.  It completely overwhelmed me.  Not so much the pain; that i found i could take.  It's that pesky issue without forgetting to breathe when things get intense.  The more He changed toys, the more overwhelmed i got and then i got panicky which means i forgot to breathe more.  When i started to get panicky, He stopped to check on me which i didn't want (the stopping not the checking on me), but i was without words at the moment.  i just needed Him to slow down while i caught my breath.  Outside of that, it was fun and awesome to finally be able to play together.

Our relationship seem in a constant state of flux as we attempt to figure out what works and what doesn't.  Lots of changes to varying degrees.

• Changes to the way we communicate are a big one.  It goes beyond just remembering to say "Sir" and "Master".  i use "Sir" to some extent in front of the children.  i figure it can't hurt to remind them to be respectful.  It's remembering not to say "yeah" when he calls out for me or respond with "ok".  Though He is learning not the use "Ok?" because the natural response is "Ok."  i get called "slut" and "whore" as part of regular conversation now, even outside of sex talk.  Funny story - We're sitting on the couch and our daughter comes down the stairs behind us.  Master calls out, "Hey Slll....Hey."  i immediately crack up because i know he came half a second from calling our daughter a slut.  Which would not have been funny, but He stopped Himself.  

• There's more service in our relationship now.  i get up around 5am now to help Him get ready for work, make His morning coffee and breakfast, and see Him off.  This is a big change from rolling over when He woke up and pulling the blankets over my head.  i enjoy spending the time with Him in the morning, just us.  i wash His body when we shower together.  i make His drinks and serve Him as He asks, often coming to kneel at His feet to ask if He needs anything.  i don't feel the old emotions anymore that He's being self-centered or that He takes without giving back.  i enjoy serving Him.

• i no longer put school before everything else; staying up after He goes to bed to finish assignments.  (luckily, i've got 8 weeks to not worry about it at all now).  i go to bed with Him, even though that meant getting used to a bedtime before midnight after months of staying up will 1 or 2am.  Our relationship, our marriage, is our primary focus with new agreements regarding date nights and also time for ourselves away from the house (him-golf; me-pampering/movies/etc).  

We're still trying to figure out the rest of it.  Rules and routine, protocols.  The best thing is:  this is our life to build together and we have all the time in the world to figure it out, to make it what we want it to be.

hehe...this is post #69

Open windows

i am not an exhibitionist.  i am not turned on by the thrill of exposure or the possibility of getting caught.

However, something that i’m slowly learning is that part of my submission involves doing things because my Master enjoys them.  Or He enjoys having me do them.  it doesn’t necessarily have to be my kink, but i get pleasure from the pleasure He gets from it. That makes sense right?

Exhibition freaks me the fuck out.  It makes me nervous, my heart races, my chest tightens, and i have a big issue with getting enjoyment from it.  For the most part, we’ve agreed to put a lot of it on the back burner till He gets home.

But the other day, i was hanging out in the living room masturbating with the magic wand on my pussy while we were chatting.  He brought me right to edge and He was pushing to see just how far i was willing to go to be allowed to cum.  Would i open the blinds?  A purely hypothetical question on his part and all He was looking for was “Yes Master, your whore would do anything.”

Well, i wanted to impress Him and push myself and be willing to actually do it so i asked a question about what he meant by facing the window.  In my mind, it was a purely reasonable question.  Could i open the blinds, but stay on the couch 5 feet away?  Or was He meaning that He would want me to be standing in front of the window?  Big difference right?

Totally blew up in my face.  He thought i was too far in my head and He plugged the plug on the whole thing and i was left on the edge and grumpy all afternoon.  Sucks when you can’t get your point across with just words on a screen.  Though that was the afternoon before this so i guess the night made up for it.

Master brought the scene back up the following day when i was wearing the bullet.  He allowed me to explain myself better, what my intentions had been the day before, and He wanted to know a bit more about why…

i guess mostly i was so on the edge that it was partly because i wanted to cum, and then partly that i wanted to show you that i could do it Sir.

I like that answer. Was there a naughty thrill in it?

Yes sir, there was.

That you liked?

i did.very much.

Conversation about having me answer the door in just my robe (barely closed), when the UPS shows up.  Or for a door-to-door solicitor.

Would it turn you on?

No Sir...i am not an exhibitionist Sir.  These things don't turn me on.

I know. My goal is to make you more comfortable with that side for Me.

i can be comfortable with it Sir and i am getting comfortable with it.  But You can keep asking me these questions, it's probably never going to turn me on, that's just not how i am, Sir.

Ok. I can appreciate that point.  Thank you for being honest. You want to for Me, but not for you. I can appreciate that.

Do you want Me to push/test your limits or do you simply want to cum?

i would ok with pushing my limits a little Sir

Take off pants, leave on panties.

i stand up, slowly unbutton my jeans, pulling the remote for the bullet out of my pocket as i slide them over my ass and down my legs, keeping an eye on the window for passing cars and foot traffic.

How do you feel slut?

Naughty, Sir

Put the laptop to your left in the middle where you can still type. Put the recliner up and spread your legs some.

i shift around, still keeping an eye on the window.  A car passes, my heart quickens.  i take a picture with my cell phone to show Master later that i’m really doing what He’s asked.

Turn the bullet up high.  It is Sir  Do you want to rub your clit?  Yes sir, very much!

Good. Pull your panties aside and rub your clit until I tell you to stop.

i do as i’m told, pulling aside my panties and rubbing my two fingers along my clit while the bullet still vibrates inside me.  Another car drives by.

Stop…but keep your panties aside. Do you want more?

Yes sir.  Please.

Do you care if anyone sees?

A little sir

But cumming is more important?

Yes sir

Get totally naked.  Stand up and rub your pussy.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  Omg, my brain is spinning now.  What if someone walks by?  At least on the couch it’s at an angle from the window so you’d have to get a good look in to really see something, but standing in front of the couch, i’m really exposed.  i’m practically trembling, but i do as i’m asked to.  Master checks in and asks me how i'm feeling…

Nervous Sir

Ok.  Do you want me to let you cum?

Yes Sir, i do please

Lay across the couch with your head on your side and fuck your pussy with your fingers until you cum. then quickly dress and come talk to Me.

i breathe a sigh of relief, lay down on the couch, grateful to be out of the direct line of sight of the window.  I grab my phone to record the moment, use two fingers to fuck my pussy.  i quickly bring myself to orgasm, watching the window the entire time, surprised i could even cum as nervous as i was.  i turn the camera to show Master the open blinds at the end before shutting off the camera.  Then i stand up and dress in front off the open windows.  My heart still racing the whole time.

During my post-play with Master…

you have shown Me over the last 2 weeks, minus a bump here or there, the lengths to which you will go to commit and strive with dedication to complete tasking, improve behavior, and be the submissive that I desire.  This is exactly what I expect from my submissive that is training, as she should and as such, I want you to wear your training collar.

Stunned.  i wasn’t expecting this.  i did this today for Him to show Him that i can push myself, but i didn’t do it expecting this.  i’m so happy to have pleased Him this much.

His reasoning…

1.  you never asked for it back.
2.  you were willing to simply let go (finally)
3. you showed me that you are taking seriously my wants and desires, no matter what they may be (within hard limits)
4. you did all of this with no expectations of reward or gratitude. Simply of service to your Master. (this is the biggest).