Open windows

i am not an exhibitionist.  i am not turned on by the thrill of exposure or the possibility of getting caught.

However, something that i’m slowly learning is that part of my submission involves doing things because my Master enjoys them.  Or He enjoys having me do them.  it doesn’t necessarily have to be my kink, but i get pleasure from the pleasure He gets from it. That makes sense right?

Exhibition freaks me the fuck out.  It makes me nervous, my heart races, my chest tightens, and i have a big issue with getting enjoyment from it.  For the most part, we’ve agreed to put a lot of it on the back burner till He gets home.

But the other day, i was hanging out in the living room masturbating with the magic wand on my pussy while we were chatting.  He brought me right to edge and He was pushing to see just how far i was willing to go to be allowed to cum.  Would i open the blinds?  A purely hypothetical question on his part and all He was looking for was “Yes Master, your whore would do anything.”

Well, i wanted to impress Him and push myself and be willing to actually do it so i asked a question about what he meant by facing the window.  In my mind, it was a purely reasonable question.  Could i open the blinds, but stay on the couch 5 feet away?  Or was He meaning that He would want me to be standing in front of the window?  Big difference right?

Totally blew up in my face.  He thought i was too far in my head and He plugged the plug on the whole thing and i was left on the edge and grumpy all afternoon.  Sucks when you can’t get your point across with just words on a screen.  Though that was the afternoon before this so i guess the night made up for it.

Master brought the scene back up the following day when i was wearing the bullet.  He allowed me to explain myself better, what my intentions had been the day before, and He wanted to know a bit more about why…

i guess mostly i was so on the edge that it was partly because i wanted to cum, and then partly that i wanted to show you that i could do it Sir.

I like that answer. Was there a naughty thrill in it?

Yes sir, there was.

That you liked?

i did.very much.

Conversation about having me answer the door in just my robe (barely closed), when the UPS shows up.  Or for a door-to-door solicitor.

Would it turn you on?

No Sir...i am not an exhibitionist Sir.  These things don't turn me on.

I know. My goal is to make you more comfortable with that side for Me.

i can be comfortable with it Sir and i am getting comfortable with it.  But You can keep asking me these questions, it's probably never going to turn me on, that's just not how i am, Sir.

Ok. I can appreciate that point.  Thank you for being honest. You want to for Me, but not for you. I can appreciate that.

Do you want Me to push/test your limits or do you simply want to cum?

i would ok with pushing my limits a little Sir

Take off pants, leave on panties.

i stand up, slowly unbutton my jeans, pulling the remote for the bullet out of my pocket as i slide them over my ass and down my legs, keeping an eye on the window for passing cars and foot traffic.

How do you feel slut?

Naughty, Sir

Put the laptop to your left in the middle where you can still type. Put the recliner up and spread your legs some.

i shift around, still keeping an eye on the window.  A car passes, my heart quickens.  i take a picture with my cell phone to show Master later that i’m really doing what He’s asked.

Turn the bullet up high.  It is Sir  Do you want to rub your clit?  Yes sir, very much!

Good. Pull your panties aside and rub your clit until I tell you to stop.

i do as i’m told, pulling aside my panties and rubbing my two fingers along my clit while the bullet still vibrates inside me.  Another car drives by.

Stop…but keep your panties aside. Do you want more?

Yes sir.  Please.

Do you care if anyone sees?

A little sir

But cumming is more important?

Yes sir

Get totally naked.  Stand up and rub your pussy.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  Omg, my brain is spinning now.  What if someone walks by?  At least on the couch it’s at an angle from the window so you’d have to get a good look in to really see something, but standing in front of the couch, i’m really exposed.  i’m practically trembling, but i do as i’m asked to.  Master checks in and asks me how i'm feeling…

Nervous Sir

Ok.  Do you want me to let you cum?

Yes Sir, i do please

Lay across the couch with your head on your side and fuck your pussy with your fingers until you cum. then quickly dress and come talk to Me.

i breathe a sigh of relief, lay down on the couch, grateful to be out of the direct line of sight of the window.  I grab my phone to record the moment, use two fingers to fuck my pussy.  i quickly bring myself to orgasm, watching the window the entire time, surprised i could even cum as nervous as i was.  i turn the camera to show Master the open blinds at the end before shutting off the camera.  Then i stand up and dress in front off the open windows.  My heart still racing the whole time.

During my post-play with Master…

you have shown Me over the last 2 weeks, minus a bump here or there, the lengths to which you will go to commit and strive with dedication to complete tasking, improve behavior, and be the submissive that I desire.  This is exactly what I expect from my submissive that is training, as she should and as such, I want you to wear your training collar.

Stunned.  i wasn’t expecting this.  i did this today for Him to show Him that i can push myself, but i didn’t do it expecting this.  i’m so happy to have pleased Him this much.

His reasoning…

1.  you never asked for it back.
2.  you were willing to simply let go (finally)
3. you showed me that you are taking seriously my wants and desires, no matter what they may be (within hard limits)
4. you did all of this with no expectations of reward or gratitude. Simply of service to your Master. (this is the biggest).

Seven

These are the implements of my destruction…

With 3 classes, there’s no way for me to train regularly.  So we decided that i would have a long training session early in the week and then a couple of short ones later in the week.  One, i can only stay up so late.  Two, yawning is a big turn off.

We could have titled this one “everything but the kitchen sink”.  Well not quite…it’s not even half the toy box.

Master’s instructions had 6 parts. 6 parts!  Shit, Hamlet only had 5 acts!

Act 1 (that’s all me, smartass) – Wear the stainless steel butt plug (which i’d already had in as prep) and use the magic wand w/ no attachments until you cum

Act 2 – Remove plug, use glass wand of your choice in your ass and Jessica (rabbit vibe) in your pussy until you cum

Act 3 – Large pink dildo in your ass.  Spank your pussy 100 times with implement of your choice (i chose the leather paddle)

Act 4 – Leave dildo in and use the 4” curved attachment w/ the wand on your pussy until you cum

Act 5 – Remove dildo.  Fuck pussy with glass wand (the other one). And use the wand on your clit until you cum.

Act 6 – Use white G-spotter attachment on wand until you cum 3 times.

Master’s original plan was a little different, but as we went over it, He allowed me to suggest a few changes.  As He isn’t home and i know my limits a little better, there is less stress and freak outs if we work together.  He also left me with instructions on how to handle myself if things started to go sideways.  His assurances that this wasn’t a pass/fail and that i could use my own judgment if something wasn’t working, gives me confidence and lowers my stress going into these types of training situations.

<I’m going to interrupt myself to say that it’s impossible to maintain a proper anal play diet and my weight loss diet at the same time…just saying…causes issues>

i have to admit that i expected something to go sideways.  There hasn’t been much play/training going on the last week or so.  And there’s been a streak of bad luck here recently.

i turned on the video camera, introduced the video and recapped my instructions.  i laid back on the bed, spread my legs so Master could see the butt plug and picked up the wand.  Turning it on to medium speed, i placed it on my pussy.

My brain instantly flashed back to the day before.  Master teasing me while we chatted, having me sit naked from the waste down in the living room with the wand on my pussy, bringing me to the edge of orgasm…then leaving me there.  My pussy remembers and wants to pick up right where we left off... in seconds, i am on the edge again.

i talk to Master.  i tell how much His whore enjoys having her ass filled by the plug. How badly i need to be fucked.  It doesn’t take long for my orgasm to overtake me, my legs trembling, toes curling.  Why are these so intense?

i remove the plug, and set aside the wand.  i pick up the ribbed glassed wand and slide it right into my ass, enjoying the feeling of the cold hardness.  i grab Jessica and slide the vibrator into my pussy and turn both the vibe and clit stimulator to high.  With one hand holding the vibrator, i use the other to slide the wand in and out of my ass.  i tell Master how much His whore enjoys having both holes filled.  How much she needs to have both her ass and pussy fucked….

Fuck!  i’m paying attention to the wand, to my right hand sliding the glass wand in and out of my ass.  And paying no attention to the rabbit vibrator attacking my clit and….ORGASM!!!!

Well, shit, i don’t think i was supposed to cum that quick. Oops.

Another “scene” change.  This time i lube and slide the large pink dildo up into my ass.  It stretches me and hurts just slightly as i adjust to it.  i lay there for half a minute, getting used to it.  This next part is about the pain slut.  i reach to grab the paddle.  Crap, forgot the massage oil.  I could forgo it.  No, Master will get mad that i’m not taking care of myself.  i roll off the bed clenching my butt cheeks together to keep the dildo in place.  Grab the oil and roll back onto the bed.  i press my butt into the bed to hold the dildo into place and massage my pussy with the oil.

Slap.  Slap.  Count to 20.   Massage more oil.  Slap.  Slap.  Count to 20 again.  Tell Master how much i’m enjoying the cock in my ass and spanking my pussy.  Tell Him how i wish He was here to fuck my ass and spank me Himself.  60 more strikes to my pussy.  i know these aren’t hard enough.  Though i feel like they are plenty hard.  i can’t wait for Him to get home to beat me.  My pussy is wet through the entire time, excited, having missed this probably most of all.

When i’m finished, i trade the paddle for the wand.  This time with a curved attachment.  Lifting my butt up and down on the bed, i rock up and down on the cock in my ass while i press the tip of the attachment up against my gspot.  Vibrations move through my body.  i can feel my juices leaking out around the wand.   push down on my pelvis, i wonder if i could make myself squirt.  Master would love that!  i move the vibrator around inside me, talking dirty to the camera, enjoying the double penetration some more.  This orgasm isn’t as quick as the last one, but it’s more intense.

i stop the camera so that i can get cleaned up a little.  Remove the pink dildo and change the wand attachment out for the little nub.  This time i fuck my pussy with the other glass wand while i rub the nub of the wand over my clit.  i tease myself.  i let myself get close and every time i find “that spot”, i move off of it, drawing out my own torture for Master’s pleasure.  This is not in His instructions, but i worry that i’ve come too quickly the other times.  Finally i let my orgasm over take, surprisingly not from the Magic wand, but from the glass wand inside my pussy with just a little assist from the Magic wand on my clit.  It’s probably the least powerful of my orgasms, but it’s just as enjoyable for me.

And now…the final act.

I think this is Master’s favorite attachment.  It’s definitely an effective one.  i change it out, slide it into my pussy and line the front and back pieces up with my clit and ass.  As i turn the wand back on, i reach over to adjust the speed.  But as i do…fuck, holy shit, oh god!

It completely took me by surprise and i wasn’t prepared for it.  My legs tense up and i start to curl up, muscles tensing as the waves hit me.  These last for longer than the others and as i’m trying to recover, it’s like my pussy clenches around the vibrator and won’t relax so i get a longer orgasm.  When it finally doesn’t end, i’m trying to uncurl my body.  Maybe there was 30 seconds…Fuck, not again so soon!

When there’s no break, the orgasms keep coming, the muscles…not in your pussy, but the rest of your body…start to cramp.  My foot started to cramp and so did my back.  Not to mention that for some odd reason, I DON’T BREATHE DURING MY ORGASMS!  Yes, it’s a little odd, but that’s a lot of oxygen to lose in a short period of time.  And we weren’t done yet because i had just caught my breath…

Oh my god, fucking hell!  Number 3!  I was actually relieved that there was only 3 that i had to have.  i don’t think i would have survived much more.  What an amazing night and an amazing experience.  It’s a good thing we don’t do this everything single night.  It takes my body too long to recover from it.  i should be asleep right now, but instead i had to stay up and jot this down while i waited for my wiredness (is that even a word?) to wear off.

When things don’t go as planned

Our dynamic is a little odd right now with thousands of miles separating us.  It requires creativity in my submission, service, and training.  It also means that i spend quite a bit of time fucking myself for His pleasure.

Masturbating is tiring.

There i said it.  At the end of the day, when i’m done with an entire day’s worth of bullshit…yes…yes, i want more than anything to go relieve the tension and have a mind-blowing orgasm.  But it’s finding the strength in my arms (i don’t get how men jack off several times a day) to go at it for more than a few minutes without a vibrator.

My body hates me.

i was supposed to masturbate with as much of my hand in my pussy as i could get (there’s a lesson in why yoga is important).  Bring myself to orgasm three times.  i was allowed to use the finger vibe for clit stimulation only once i got close.

Two minutes in and my right hand starts to cramp.  Stop and rub fingers.  Damn joints.  Back to task.  More cramping.  Stop again.  This is going to be a great, sexy video.  Switch to left hand.  Left hand cramps.  Mother Fuckin, God Damn joints.  Try a different angle.  Eh, little better. 

i then managed to hurt myself, slightly, but enough to have to stop completely. (i did mention Murphy has come to visit for the holidays right?).  i can write about it with a slight humorous edge, but truthfully…

It sucks.

i am learning not to beat myself up about it too much.  No, it didn’t go as planned.  But i didn’t fail.  My attitude and desire to complete my task was where it needed to be.  i couldn’t foresee the cramps or the injury.  Master wasn’t here to tell me to stop and i’m allowed to decide for myself.  And He won’t fault me for not wanting to cause further injury.

It does bother me not to complete a task.  One because then i don’t get to orgasm (and that might be my only one for the week)!  And two because then i’ve not done what He’s asked of me.  Then i don’t feel “right” with Him until the morning when i can talk to Him about it and He acknowledges that it’s ok or He tells me what i can do to make it up to Him.

i’m blaming Murphy…i know that fucker had something to do with this.

**Master reads all my posts before i post them.  i meant to add that He did tell me this morning that He everything is ok and there is no need to make anything up to Him.  And something about my Christmas presents and orgasms, lol.**

Ask...

and you shall receive.

Sometimes more than you want and not in the way you want.

i’ve mentioned that the last few week(ends) have been stressful.  Usually by the end of the week, my college deadlines are breathing down my neck, my children are all home and driving me nuts, and i’ve got training or other tasks for Master.  i would love nothing more than to be able to focus solely on my submission and my Master’s desires, but life gets in the way of our fantasy world way too often.

Master has been very understanding this week and very gracious.  We’ve worked each day to find time to talk, time to train and complete tasks, and time for me to focus on school and kids and other “real life” things.

My posts from last week had been the jumping point for several conversations.  Some of it went well, some of it not so well.  i got a wonderful affirmation that i had to carry with me and ready periodically throughout the day….

I am a mother.

I am a student.

I am a submissive.

Most importantly, I AM A STRONG, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I can do ANYTHING.

Today I will shed my fears and pity, and I will show the world my strength.

It has really helped me this week.  And Master has noticed it too.  Thanks to Aunt Flo, it was Wednesday before i got to train for the week.  It pushed my boundaries again, pretending to be with another man while Master (one of His fantasies), talking out how much i wanted to suck and fuck this other “man”.  i think i tackled it better than i have in the past, i hope he’s pleased with the video when He sees it.  Plus after a week of no orgasms, it was really nice to get off.

As we got closer to the weekend, i could feel my stress level rising a little, but i was determined that i would be in control of that.  After all, i can do ANYTHING.  (side note – Katy Perry’s Roar pops into my head just about every time i read this affirmation.  <eyeroll> daughters.) Master decided He would help me keep my stress level down and get everything done.  No more training until my course work was done. Seriously?  Now that’s just wrong.  i just went a week without an orgasm and now i’m getting this week’s taken away.  i was pretty devastated…even though i know that it was in my best interest, it still felt like a punishment.  i really look forward to my training at the end of a long day.

In the end, it was a probably a good thing.  i had everything finished by 2pm on Sunday.  That hasn’t happened in since last term.  i even had time to be sick and go to bed at 10 pm one night! Completely unheard of in my world. The walls didn’t even come crumbling down either.

Come Sunday…i was eager for training.  Or maybe i was eager for an orgasm, lol.  But then Master had some stuff come up and wasn’t able to get me my tasks.  i was expecting to hear from Him at 11pm but it was approaching midnight before i got the first email.  As it was getting late, He suggested that i could just go to bed.  Hell no! i politely told Him i still wanted to train.  He was rushed with work so didn’t have time to plan for me and wanted to know my thoughts.  i suggested the training that He’d cancelled from earlier in the week.  He seemed surprised given how tired and under the weather i’d been and asked if i’d rather just have a fun session with my favorite vibrator.  Tempting…oh how i love my rabbit vibe.  i said no, i wanted the other training.  i don’t want to short change myself.  Besides, in that training, i still got to finish with the rabbit, lol!  Win-win!  If i take this opportunity to be lazy, then i’m going to expect another one down the road.  i want the hard task.  i want to be pushed.  It was worth it; i really enjoyed it.  Partly because i just needed the release and partly because i knew that i had impressed Master with my own dedication.

Still looking for balance between all my responsibilities.  i don’t want to have one area suffering at the expense of the other, especially when that area is my submission.  Still working on letting go, and even pushing my own self to exceed Master’s expectations.  But it’s a journey and even with the downs and little speed bumps, i still enjoy every minute.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Totally behind on my writing and there's a post that goes before this one that i still haven't finished, but i'm procrastinating....

           Ok, so the title is slightly over-dramatic.  my Sunday(s) haven’t been bloody.  But the last two first two weekends in Nov have been rough.  Grade-A meltdown two weeks in a row.

WTF is wrong with me?

            The first week was orgasm denial (as a punishment), additional writing assignments (also punishments) and multiple emails each day to Master, on top of a crazy heavy week in my two upper level college classes.  Oh, and it was Halloween so there was extra kid stuff to deal with.  By Sunday, my body hated me, my brain couldn’t function anymore, and the kids were driving me nuts (it was the weekend, they were home, underfoot, and bored!).  There was no way i was going to get everything i needed to get done finished by the end of the week.  Every bit of further conversation felt like more weight pressing down on me.

And i cracked.  i just lost it on the phone with Master.  i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger.  i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.

Master was well within his right to discipline me further for my disrespect.  Instead, he waited for me to get control and he talked me down off the ledge.  My training for the evening was postponed.  i managed to get my schoolwork finished before my deadlines (barely).  i went to bed vowing that the coming week would be different.

Fast forward seven days…

No punishments this that week (well there was almost one, but it turned out to be a communication issue).  There was a public humiliation, some pretty intense training, a volunteer project, and more course work (can’t wait for that to end).  Master was available for video chat and required a little more time than i was prepared for.  Then there was this fantasy story that i had to write and then record the audio of me reading.  By Sunday, i was staring down the barrel of homework deadlines and feeling the pressure of my conversations with Master.  Every time he would ask me to talk dirty to make His cock hard, i would tear up.  i had nothing left.

And i cracked.  i just lost it while chatting with Master.  i couldn’t do what He asked.  i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger.  i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.

Whoa. Déjà vu.

Everything ground to a halt.  Master was unhappy with me.  i was unhappy with myself.  He started questioning my desire for this.  i tried to explain to Him that it was the stress, that i wasn’t managing everything well.  i didn’t know how to fix it.  Master told me to send Him a letter offering Him solutions to what i thought the problems were.  That i needed to bring something to the table since He isn’t home to see all the other things that get in the way, the real life that creeps in.  After our conversation, i managed to get my ass in gear to get my other stuff done.  Then sat down to write my letter.

Here’s a bit of it…

            i am not wavering in my commitment to You Master.  i am Yours.  i am Your submissive…i have given myself to You, You own me, my body, my mind.  It is my desire that You mold me into the submissive that You desire.  i want to please You and serve You in the ways that You want me too.  i have given up the right to make these decisions about the person that i am.  And You know what, Master?  i am ok with it.  It doesn’t bother me anymore.  i don’t miss the bitch, the hard ass personality.  i am enjoying the “softer” side.  I am enjoying not being in control.  Not having to HAVE the control, Master.

            Yes, there are problems.  And i know that i’m not handling them well.  And that they are causing problems, Master.  i desire very much to seek solutions to these issues that i am having so that i can be right with You.  So that i can please You and serve You, Master.

            i think that we handled a one of the biggest problems already this week, Master.  That was my schedule, Sir.  It was a little wonky as we wanted to maximize our time together this past week, but i think that this week will be different, Master.  You know how much i enjoy structure and order to my life, Sir.  i think that will help me.  The biggest problem will be if we stick to it or not.  As You have seen, i will acquiesce to Your desires almost always, desiring very much to please You, to the detriment of myself.  This causes problems later on that cause me much stress.  i’m not sure if it is possible for me to respectfully remind You of the schedule or if i’m allowed to say no, Master.

            i feel like i’m riding this constant rollercoaster of emotions…highs where i am so happy, lows where i’m so overwhelmed that my brain can’t process a thought.  i’m consciously aware that i’m not handling certain areas of my submission very well.  i think the biggest part that i’m struggling with it the idea that i can’t just freely talk to you about how i feel.  You got very upset when i said earlier that You didn’t care.  And You wouldn’t let me finish explaining.  My thoughts aren’t always relevant to the conversation.  My feelings aren’t always relevant to the conversation.  i may feel or think a certain way, but unless You’ve asked me to share, i really need to learn to keep that to myself.  And i do realize that it has nothing to do with whether or not You care.  But You are in charge, my thoughts and feelings don’t trump Yours and i can’t just blurt them out because they are there.  The biggest problem is that as i’m going through all of this, i want to, i want so much to share all of my thoughts and feelings with You.

  i need my tasks emailed to me, Master.  Not sent in FB where they get lost in 10k messages.  i need my tasks to be assigned and then not changed over and over because a new idea popped into Your head like the other night. or have more tasks added for the same reason.  All this does is cause me more stress or cause me to forget or lose track of things, Sir.    i love the way You did it for my penance sir, it was easy for me find and go back and reference as i needed, Master.

   i want You to push me, Master.  i want You to bend me and mold me as much as You want.  To me, though, that doesn’t me in all different directions in the same week.  i felt this past week like i couldn’t breathe, that i couldn’t catch me breath, i couldn’t think about what i was going through, how i was feeling.  You wanted me to be Your pain slut, but then there was a public humiliation, then full frontal nudity on my blog.  Then at the end of the week, You had me orgasm over and over, admitting to being a whore and being willing to fuck any cock that was available.  That’s a lot for one week.  Yes i enjoyed parts of this week, other parts not so much, Master.

This past week did start off much better though no without its speed bumps.  i received that wonderful "love letter" from Master.  It was a crazy week for me, trying to cram a week's worth of shit into a couple of days before going out of town.  Then Aunt Flo decided to join me on my trip so i didn't get to enjoy my last training session (i REALLY wanted to!) nor did i get to sneak anything with me on my trip for some sneaky fun.

Affirm this

Instructions from Master this morning included this:

i've never been a fan of affirmations, but i try to be obedient.  So let's see how this goes:

No pockets in my yoga pants today, so it's tucked into my bra.  i've already pulled it out twice.

**pondering how one can be a cum slut with no cock around to suck...keeping that one to myself though, my mouth gets me in enough trouble, lol