Firsts and Changes

The weeks since Master has returned have been a whirlwind of settling back into routines and trying new things.  i wish i could say that it's been smooth; that we melded seamlessly into this dynamic that we spent 6 months carefully crafting via Facebook and email.  But it didn't.  Real life is messy and it gets in the way of the fantasy.

i (and Master too for that matter) completely underestimated my emotional response.  Everything those first couple of weeks was so overwhelming.  Not usually in a bad way either.  It was just so much input and so much for my overly analytical brain to process that i couldn't keep up (and i still haven't mastered shutting it off).  i would frequently start crying when i didn't mean to or want to.  Then i would worry that Master would think that something was wrong when there wasn't (again all up in my head).  There were times where i felt i couldn't breathe. But i didn't know what was wrong or how to fix it.

After a long absence, there's a lot of just normal everyday stuff that has to be adjusted.  Handing over the remote.  Not stepping on each other's toes regarding the kids.  Learning to talk to another adult after talking to 3 kids all the time.  Having someone's shoes to trip over (and biting my tongue when i almost break my neck).

In the midst of all this adjustment, we had some pretty incredible firsts.  Some may be the subject of future posts as i try to get caught up a bit on my blogging (apologies in advance because it'll probably be a little scattered and out of order).  Some i think i'll just keep as really good memories between us.

i've already written about how incredible worshipping his cock was for the first time.  It's one of my favorite things and favorite ways to serve Him.  The first time i sucked his cock while riding a dildo on the Liberator cushion was really intense for me.  So many different ways that this has been incorporated into our dynamic in the past few weeks and so many more ways that we've discussed and just not had the chance to try!

My first punishment was another first (didn't take very long either, lol).  We had been out on a date; i wasn't being very respectful and forgetting my manners.  While the date was absolutely wonderful, towards the end a disagreement about where to go next and how to get there (and falling back into old habits)...it wasn't very pretty and there wasn't a resolution before we gave up and went to bed.  In the morning, we hashed it out with cooler heads and Master gave out his discipline.  i had to strip in the living room and kneel with my face in the chair and my ass up.  He took his belt to my ass, several hard smacks that brought tears to my eyes as i tried not to cry out apologizing and thanking Him after each one.  Then He had me turn around and kneel and suck His cock.  When it was over, it was over.  There was no lingering resentment, no wondering if He was still mad at me.  Despite not liking the spanking (and why is it that i love getting beat for fun, but hate getting beat for punishment?), the closure was great.  He wrapped me in his arms when i was finished servicing Him and told me that i had done well and that nothing more was to be made of the previous night's events.  The rest of the day was great.

Probably my favorite first was our first play session.  i wore my collar and cuffs for the first time for Him.  Lying down on our bed face down, wrists bound behind me and legs tied to the corners of the bed.  He took His time introducing our toys to my butt, leg, and back in His manner.  He went through all of them, varying the speed, the strength and location.  It completely overwhelmed me.  Not so much the pain; that i found i could take.  It's that pesky issue without forgetting to breathe when things get intense.  The more He changed toys, the more overwhelmed i got and then i got panicky which means i forgot to breathe more.  When i started to get panicky, He stopped to check on me which i didn't want (the stopping not the checking on me), but i was without words at the moment.  i just needed Him to slow down while i caught my breath.  Outside of that, it was fun and awesome to finally be able to play together.

Our relationship seem in a constant state of flux as we attempt to figure out what works and what doesn't.  Lots of changes to varying degrees.

• Changes to the way we communicate are a big one.  It goes beyond just remembering to say "Sir" and "Master".  i use "Sir" to some extent in front of the children.  i figure it can't hurt to remind them to be respectful.  It's remembering not to say "yeah" when he calls out for me or respond with "ok".  Though He is learning not the use "Ok?" because the natural response is "Ok."  i get called "slut" and "whore" as part of regular conversation now, even outside of sex talk.  Funny story - We're sitting on the couch and our daughter comes down the stairs behind us.  Master calls out, "Hey Slll....Hey."  i immediately crack up because i know he came half a second from calling our daughter a slut.  Which would not have been funny, but He stopped Himself.  

• There's more service in our relationship now.  i get up around 5am now to help Him get ready for work, make His morning coffee and breakfast, and see Him off.  This is a big change from rolling over when He woke up and pulling the blankets over my head.  i enjoy spending the time with Him in the morning, just us.  i wash His body when we shower together.  i make His drinks and serve Him as He asks, often coming to kneel at His feet to ask if He needs anything.  i don't feel the old emotions anymore that He's being self-centered or that He takes without giving back.  i enjoy serving Him.

• i no longer put school before everything else; staying up after He goes to bed to finish assignments.  (luckily, i've got 8 weeks to not worry about it at all now).  i go to bed with Him, even though that meant getting used to a bedtime before midnight after months of staying up will 1 or 2am.  Our relationship, our marriage, is our primary focus with new agreements regarding date nights and also time for ourselves away from the house (him-golf; me-pampering/movies/etc).  

We're still trying to figure out the rest of it.  Rules and routine, protocols.  The best thing is:  this is our life to build together and we have all the time in the world to figure it out, to make it what we want it to be.

hehe...this is post #69

On My Knees

From His first day home...

i follow Him up the stairs for the first time in 9 long months.  Still filled with the same nervous, excited energy that i've had all day.  i shut the door quietly behind me and pause.

Come here, scarlet.

i think my heart stopped right there for a second.  i know i got all goosebumpy.  i walked over and stood in front of Him.

Undress your Master, scarlet.

i slowly unbutton his shirt, enjoying the feeling of having my hands on Him again after so long.  i push the open shirt down his arms and let it fall to the floor.  My hands find his chest as my lips go to His.  They slide down his chest as we kiss, falling to his belt buckle, slowly unbuckling it.  Then the pants and sliding down the zipper, my lips on His.  i push his pants to the floor as i drop to my knees, then tug lightly on his boxers to pull them down.

i close my eyes and open them.  It's like unwrapping the best present ever!  His hard cock inches from my face. i lick my lips and look up at him, waiting.  He says nothing, just looks at me.

Oh.  Master may i worship your cock?

i've waited for so long to say those words.  So many conversations talking about it, planning for, imagining it.  This is better than all of it.

Yes you may.  Even better words to hear.

i wrap my hand around the base of his cock, stroking up, feeling and touching.  Getting myself reacquainted.  Hard.  Velvety.  Warm.

My pussy is wet and aching for Master's cock, but for now i'm satisfied with touch...and taste.

My tongue laps at the head, tasting the bit of precum there.  I pull just the tip into my mouth and roll my tongue around it.  i listen and delight in the groans of pleasure coming from Master; His hand goes to the top of my head and i know He's wanting more.  i flatten my tongue and slide His cock in.  The steel barbell running along the underside, adding to His pleasure.  i suck as i slide Him in and out, fondling His balls, or wrapping my hand around the base.  my left hand on the side of His thigh steadying myself.  i slide farther and farther, until i feel the head at the back of my throat pushing against me.

i. am. in. heaven.

i am thoroughly enjoying my worship of His cock, content to keep going until He cums.  But Master has other plans.  He pulls His cock out of my mouth and lifts me up off the floor.  Then he pushes me face down on the bed.  My pants come down.  His fingers roughly explore my wet pussy, bringing me quickly to the edge in a way only He can.  Then i'm flipped over onto my back and His cock slides into me.

My pussy is fucked hard and fast, on the edge of the bed.  i wrap my legs around Master's back, my arms around his neck...i want Him as close to me as possible as He fucks me until He cums.

He's Home!

i am giddy like a school girl.   But just as nervous.  Biting my lower lip while i follow the 2-foot terrorist around the baggage area.  His plane is already on the ground and we are just waiting for Him to make His way down to the baggage area.

i grab the kid and divert him around in another direction.  He laughs and takes off.  My phone rings.  He's coming down.  The butterflies and nerves have not stopped all morning.  Eight months is a long fucking time to be apart.

i peer through the crowd headed my way for the baggage claim looking for my Master, my husband.  i scoop up our son and start talking about Daddy who he knows only from video and phone calls.  THERE HE IS!

My heart races, overwhelmed with love...with happiness...with desire.  We hug and kiss.  After so long, it's the simple things that mean the most.  Like being able to hold hands.  The toddler recognizes Daddy's voice but not his face.

Master has a colleague with Him so we hold back until after we drop him off.  Hands held in the car on the way home, leaning over to kiss passionately at each stop, leaning my head on His shoulder.  i missed Him so much.  i forgot how much (you get used to it after awhile) until He was there in front of me.

Being able to call Him "sir" and "Master" in person...seeing the smile on His face when i say it, these are the moments i waited for all these months.  It's only for 2 weeks, but we're going to make the most of it.

Are you ready?

It's just after midnight on a Sunday.  i'm tired and my eyes from hours spent finishing up coursework for my two classes.  i yawn and rub my eyes, shut my laptop, and drag my weary body off the couch. i'm just about the turn off the TV when my cell phone rings.  There's only one person who calls this late, though it's morning where He's at.  Master.

"Hello Sir." i sigh.  i haven't talked to Him much in the last couple of days and due to some changes at His work there has been no play or conversations relating to my submission.

"Are you ready for me to come home?"  Yes, duh.  Been ready for months.  "Yes sir, i am."

"i'll be home in 3 days" He says.  WTF?! Why? We're still a month out.  My tired brain spins out while i sputter a response.  i don't remember the rest of our conversation that night.  When we hung up, i broke down sobbing so overwhelmed with emotion.  Then i fell asleep exhausted emotionally and physically.

i woke the next morning and my immediate first thought was that it had been a dream.  i grabbed my phone and looked for an email to prove that our conversation had actually taken place.  No, i'm not going crazy.  Yet.  There it was, an email from my Master outlining his itinerary home and letting me know what He expected me to get done for Him before His return. Cuz, no, the house wasn't clean...i have a terrorist for a toddler. 

The excitement starts to build in me.  He's coming home, He's coming home!  It's a bit bittersweet though.  It's just a temporary return, work-related.  He still has to leave again to go back for another couple of weeks.  But He'll be home for almost TWO WEEKS! (now you know where i've been hiding)

With the excitement came a whole wave of anxiety.  In no way did i feel like i was mentally prepared for His return.  i turned my focus to getting the house ready, shopping for groceries to prepare His favorite meals, and preparing to surprise our kids.  i tried to push all the anxiety down, swallow it, and ignore it.  i focused on my excitement about his return and finally being able to have TTWD be more than emails and phone calls and videos.

to be continued...

Answers: Pearl Necklace's Questions

These questions come from Pearl Necklace over at Happily Surrendered and Submissive.  My apologies for taking so long to get to them.  It's been a little crazy over here this past week few weeks.  (In a totally awesome way, which I'll get to in later posts!!!)

You talk about waiting to physically be reunited with your guy...Have you two shared this D/s life in person or did it start while you have been apart?

Master and i have been together for half a dozen years now.  We have had a fairly vanilla sex life during that time.  Occasionally, we'd try new things, but it didn't delve into anything really kinky until last summer.  i've been interested in (and have experimented with) elements of kink in other relationships, but always assumed that my husband wouldn't be interested in it.  We were both raised very traditionally and i have very different ideas about sex and relationships than He does.  Comments and small conversations early on in our relationship didn't make Him appear very open so i closed down that part of my sexuality.  That causes some problems.

Our communication was never very good, but we had a major fight last summer and after when we were calming down, i finally dropped this major bombshell: that i provoke or continue the arguments so that He'll get rough with me because it turns me on.  The make-up sex we had when He's still mad me, when it's rough, when He's forceful, that i need more of that.  That led to us experimenting with a few things, some rougher sex, some elements of D/s and kink.  Some things went well and we liked, some of what we tried didn't because we just needed more research and communication into what we liked and wanted.

But then he left...for 9 months.  Which makes further exploration really hard.  When you're separated and all you can do is talk, it allows you to work out some things.  We hit a few roadblocks in our marriage along the way, but TTWD has helped improve our communication and also allowed us to better see how we want to shape our future.  

One thing you NEVER thought you would try that you have or are now willing to?

i think the biggest thing that i never thought that i would try is our dynamic.  i always was drawn to kink: bondage, breath play, toys.  But never would I have thought that i would call my husband "Master" and "Sir" or enjoy it!  Or to allow another person to control ALL of my sexual experiences.  Seven months later, it feels natural.

Musings and Remembrance

There’s a wonderful anonymity to this world of Blogger.  The ability to be open and honest about TTWD.  i had a conversation with Master earlier this past week about this and having to keep so much of what we do and who we are now to ourselves.  It gets old after awhile.

I still am not sure which, if any, of our current circle of friends we would ever tell about TTWD openly.  It just doesn’t seem like something that would go over very well.

I am reminded this week that life snatched away the friend that I would have loved sharing this journey with.  He would have loved hearing about all of this, gossiping about it, and helping me shop for sex toys.  No judgement or condemnation.  Hell, he’d be excited and egging me on.

He was such an important part of my life; i love him dearly and i miss him and hate not being able to tell him about this.  This past week marked 2 years since he lost his battle with cancer.  It hits me hard on the anniversary and there are times throughout the year where i catch myself wanting to talk and gossip with him so much.  A smell or a song, a phrase or a memory hits me just right.

Answers: Tori's Questions

These questions came from Tori over at Pain's Pleasure.  Thanks!  It has been fun to ask questions and go back and read the answers.  If you're not playing, you should.  If you have questions, ask them.  There's a whole month to fill.

What makes you feel most submissive?

i really want to take the easy way out and say that i feel most submissive when i’m doing a task for Him, like training, or something that makes me feel connected to Him.  But the longer i’ve thought about this, the more i’ve realized that i feel most submissive when He is being especially “hard”.  (i promise to write about this more in depth as i get caught up, lol)

With our separation, what we have to connect us is communication.  A lot of communication.  i was actually pondering the amount of emails and FB messages the other day.  You would think with the ability to plan out better what i say before i say it, that i’d be able to keep myself out of trouble more.  But no. no, my brain has gotten my mouth into trouble so many times.  And in these times, when He’s correcting me, or disciplining me, through harsh words that sting; this is when i feel most submissive.

i think it’s partly because i am finding that i enjoy when His words are rougher, harsher, meaner.  Not that i enjoy being punished, but being put in my place makes be feel very submissive.  If He was home, i imagine it would be accompanied by His hand around my neck  or another similar action.  Many times, He will tell me what He would do if He were home so that plays into it.

Favourite implement?

Right now it’s one of Master’s old leather belts.  Which is surprising, considering how large our toy box has gotten in recent months.  But as i like pain, it’s the only one that we have that i can effectively use on myself.  Also, it’s a little high up there right now because i managed to bring myself to orgasm beating myself so we have a great a relationship right now.  i thoroughly expect to start a love/hate relationship with it as soon as Master gets home since i am under no delusions that his beatings will be at all similar to mine, lol.

Pretty sure that Master would say that His favorite is the Magic Wand.  This is because He’s sadistic and likes nothing better than torturing my pussy and it’s the perfect device for it.  i already have a love/hate relationship with toy, lol.

3 things you really want to try?

1. Threesome with another woman.  This is has been a fantasy for me since long before we started TTWD and something that has taken years to get on the table.  And not just to play with Master and another woman, but i would like to watch Master with another woman and not be allowed to participate.  (and i’m totally aware of the double standard between being ok with this and not being ok with additional men…working on that one, but i’m bisexual so this the best of both worlds for me)
2. Rope bondage.  It’s not something we’ve tried yet but i really like the beauty of the way it looks, the different ties, the colors of the ropes against the skin.  Though it takes a while so it’s entirely possible that neither one of us has the patience for it, lol.
3. Watersports.  This item has recently come off the hard limits list and it will be something that gets tried when Master comes home now.  i have my fellow bloggers to blame thank for this one, lol.  (i won’t name names).

Question Time

Look at that, i have survived the term from hell.  Now to get caught up on a few things, like my blog which i have really missed.  Ehh, where to start?  Herein lies the problem.  Too much too talk about; no clue where to start.  Fuck it, let's procrastinate a little longer!

So i see that March is Q&A time around here.  So ask away.  i'll answer questions that won't jeopardize my anonymity.  Anything else is open book.  If you're not comfortable posting your question here, there's a contact form at the bottom of my blog to email your questions to me.

Here's what i've been up to

• 3 classes…never-ending homework...only ONE week left in this term! (cue “Eye of the Tiger”).

you can thank me for the earworm later

• 3 kids…toddler who never stops teething or tearing my house apart & too many snow days for the older two

• Crappy ass winter weather …i think it has a small impact on my bad mood. i need sun and warmth.  i like snow, but i want it to come and be gone the next day.  Though it did provide for some naughty picture fun.

• More drama than i care for with my volunteer work…counting the days till i can resign.  i hate that i feel that way about it because it’s something that should matter, but the people that are supposed to support the program don’t and have made my job so unbearable that i help the people i can help and that’s about it.

• A very nice reminder of my bat shit crazy mother…so fun

• Making arrangements for Master to get home and our move later this year.  Trying to declutter the house in preparation.  I’ve got a few hours for that, right? ha.

In between this overwhelming schedule that is real life…i struggled (a lot) with TTWD.  There were good days.  There were great days.  Then, the rollercoaster would come over the top of the hill and plunge at a blinding rate of speed to the bottom.  Probably explains the nauseous feeling i had those days and the adrenalin from the really good days.

The more i wanted to submit, the more i wanted to give over to Him to control, the more i hit stumbling blocks. i came to the realization that my biggest issue is that when i am stressed about anything not related to TTWD (kids, college, money, etc)  and Master starts to push, to rub the rough edges of my submission trying to sand them down, i rebel against the “sandpaper”.  Doesn’t matter the “grit” either.  And some of them were things that shouldn’t have been an issue. 

i was letting my stress spill over into my submission.  i suppose the argument could be made that this is one instance where a wall would be a good thing.  It’s hard to be submissive when you’ve had the toddler screaming at you all day, throwing toys in your lap at your head because he wants your attention, and you’re trying to be a wanton whore via Facebook.  Master is asking if something turns me on…fuck no, your child just threw his sippy cup at my head  yes, sir, my pussy is very wet.  Couple hours of that and i’m in tears, huge ball of stress, and by the time the kid goes down for a nap and i have to step up my game…the sandpaper comes out…fuck.

Mistakes were made.  i lashed out.  i got defensive and disrespectful.  I forgot my place.  We slipped back into some old arguing habits from before TTWD; things got nasty a couple of times.  i notice a few big differences though.  One that made me laugh (only afterwards) and that is that He might get to say the mean and nasty things he wants; i don’t.  So He’s calling me a bitch and a cunt (and not in the ways that make me wet) and i’m calling Him sir instead of asshole.  Not to say that i wasn’t pointed or heated with my words, just not as vicious.  I guess that’s progress.  More like self-preservation, lol.  My anger, temper, and frustration would subside almost as soon as the words were out of my mouth and i realized that i’d triggered His displeasure.  The guilt at being out of step with Him was a knife that cut deep, the words He used to remind me that i was not where i needed to be only made it worse.  Remember those issues from my childhood?  Yeah, tell me that i’m never going to good enough after i’ve fucked up really badly.  i’ve never spent so much time crying.

Rollercoaster remember?  We had the low times, but we had some really great conversations, mostly planning.  i’ve gotten some new toys to play with and had some very fun training sessions that i may one day get a chance to share.  Though at this point, i might have to go back and review my videos (GASP!) to help me remember.  I can watch through my fingers right?  i’m learning to trust Master more and with that trust comes this overwhelming desire to submit more and give Him more.  i redid my limits again for Him and changed quite a few things.  There are some areas that i thought were off limits that i want to explore more when he gets home, that we’ve talked about in a fantasy sense via email in ways that have turned us both on thus far.  It both excites and scares me how much i’m turned on by some of my and His darker fantasies.  And my willingness to trust Him enough to change my mind and allow Him to push my boundaries and test my limits on things that i would have never considered even a few months ago when we started this journey.

So in looking forward, i know that while i will probably continue to struggle with balancing my stress and my submission, there are so many other things to look forward to in the next couple of months.  My final two classes and then finishing my degree!  Making preparations for Master’s return.  i’ve got a countdown app on my phone counting down the number of days…under 60!  We will have His first night home away from the kids, just us.  And then a weekend getaway the following weekend to a cabin.  So many other little things to get ready, the house cleaned, outfits for the kids, special presents, etc.  These things have me amped up with excitement and anticipation but also keep me grounded.

Less than two months!