Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Firsts and Changes

The weeks since Master has returned have been a whirlwind of settling back into routines and trying new things.  i wish i could say that it's been smooth; that we melded seamlessly into this dynamic that we spent 6 months carefully crafting via Facebook and email.  But it didn't.  Real life is messy and it gets in the way of the fantasy.

i (and Master too for that matter) completely underestimated my emotional response.  Everything those first couple of weeks was so overwhelming.  Not usually in a bad way either.  It was just so much input and so much for my overly analytical brain to process that i couldn't keep up (and i still haven't mastered shutting it off).  i would frequently start crying when i didn't mean to or want to.  Then i would worry that Master would think that something was wrong when there wasn't (again all up in my head).  There were times where i felt i couldn't breathe. But i didn't know what was wrong or how to fix it.

After a long absence, there's a lot of just normal everyday stuff that has to be adjusted.  Handing over the remote.  Not stepping on each other's toes regarding the kids.  Learning to talk to another adult after talking to 3 kids all the time.  Having someone's shoes to trip over (and biting my tongue when i almost break my neck).

In the midst of all this adjustment, we had some pretty incredible firsts.  Some may be the subject of future posts as i try to get caught up a bit on my blogging (apologies in advance because it'll probably be a little scattered and out of order).  Some i think i'll just keep as really good memories between us.

i've already written about how incredible worshipping his cock was for the first time.  It's one of my favorite things and favorite ways to serve Him.  The first time i sucked his cock while riding a dildo on the Liberator cushion was really intense for me.  So many different ways that this has been incorporated into our dynamic in the past few weeks and so many more ways that we've discussed and just not had the chance to try!

My first punishment was another first (didn't take very long either, lol).  We had been out on a date; i wasn't being very respectful and forgetting my manners.  While the date was absolutely wonderful, towards the end a disagreement about where to go next and how to get there (and falling back into old habits)...it wasn't very pretty and there wasn't a resolution before we gave up and went to bed.  In the morning, we hashed it out with cooler heads and Master gave out his discipline.  i had to strip in the living room and kneel with my face in the chair and my ass up.  He took his belt to my ass, several hard smacks that brought tears to my eyes as i tried not to cry out apologizing and thanking Him after each one.  Then He had me turn around and kneel and suck His cock.  When it was over, it was over.  There was no lingering resentment, no wondering if He was still mad at me.  Despite not liking the spanking (and why is it that i love getting beat for fun, but hate getting beat for punishment?), the closure was great.  He wrapped me in his arms when i was finished servicing Him and told me that i had done well and that nothing more was to be made of the previous night's events.  The rest of the day was great.

Probably my favorite first was our first play session.  i wore my collar and cuffs for the first time for Him.  Lying down on our bed face down, wrists bound behind me and legs tied to the corners of the bed.  He took His time introducing our toys to my butt, leg, and back in His manner.  He went through all of them, varying the speed, the strength and location.  It completely overwhelmed me.  Not so much the pain; that i found i could take.  It's that pesky issue without forgetting to breathe when things get intense.  The more He changed toys, the more overwhelmed i got and then i got panicky which means i forgot to breathe more.  When i started to get panicky, He stopped to check on me which i didn't want (the stopping not the checking on me), but i was without words at the moment.  i just needed Him to slow down while i caught my breath.  Outside of that, it was fun and awesome to finally be able to play together.

Our relationship seem in a constant state of flux as we attempt to figure out what works and what doesn't.  Lots of changes to varying degrees.

  • Changes to the way we communicate are a big one.  It goes beyond just remembering to say "Sir" and "Master".  i use "Sir" to some extent in front of the children.  i figure it can't hurt to remind them to be respectful.  It's remembering not to say "yeah" when he calls out for me or respond with "ok".  Though He is learning not the use "Ok?" because the natural response is "Ok."  i get called "slut" and "whore" as part of regular conversation now, even outside of sex talk.  Funny story - We're sitting on the couch and our daughter comes down the stairs behind us.  Master calls out, "Hey Slll....Hey."  i immediately crack up because i know he came half a second from calling our daughter a slut.  Which would not have been funny, but He stopped Himself.  
  • There's more service in our relationship now.  i get up around 5am now to help Him get ready for work, make His morning coffee and breakfast, and see Him off.  This is a big change from rolling over when He woke up and pulling the blankets over my head.  i enjoy spending the time with Him in the morning, just us.  i wash His body when we shower together.  i make His drinks and serve Him as He asks, often coming to kneel at His feet to ask if He needs anything.  i don't feel the old emotions anymore that He's being self-centered or that He takes without giving back.  i enjoy serving Him.
  • i no longer put school before everything else; staying up after He goes to bed to finish assignments.  (luckily, i've got 8 weeks to not worry about it at all now).  i go to bed with Him, even though that meant getting used to a bedtime before midnight after months of staying up will 1 or 2am.  Our relationship, our marriage, is our primary focus with new agreements regarding date nights and also time for ourselves away from the house (him-golf; me-pampering/movies/etc).  
We're still trying to figure out the rest of it.  Rules and routine, protocols.  The best thing is:  this is our life to build together and we have all the time in the world to figure it out, to make it what we want it to be.

hehe...this is post #69

Saturday, May 3, 2014

On My Knees

From His first day home...

i follow Him up the stairs for the first time in 9 long months.  Still filled with the same nervous, excited energy that i've had all day.  i shut the door quietly behind me and pause.

Come here, scarlet.

i think my heart stopped right there for a second.  i know i got all goosebumpy.  i walked over and stood in front of Him.

Undress your Master, scarlet.

i slowly unbutton his shirt, enjoying the feeling of having my hands on Him again after so long.  i push the open shirt down his arms and let it fall to the floor.  My hands find his chest as my lips go to His.  They slide down his chest as we kiss, falling to his belt buckle, slowly unbuckling it.  Then the pants and sliding down the zipper, my lips on His.  i push his pants to the floor as i drop to my knees, then tug lightly on his boxers to pull them down.

i close my eyes and open them.  It's like unwrapping the best present ever!  His hard cock inches from my face. i lick my lips and look up at him, waiting.  He says nothing, just looks at me.

Oh.  Master may i worship your cock?

i've waited for so long to say those words.  So many conversations talking about it, planning for, imagining it.  This is better than all of it.

Yes you may.  Even better words to hear.

i wrap my hand around the base of his cock, stroking up, feeling and touching.  Getting myself reacquainted.  Hard.  Velvety.  Warm.

My pussy is wet and aching for Master's cock, but for now i'm satisfied with touch...and taste.

My tongue laps at the head, tasting the bit of precum there.  I pull just the tip into my mouth and roll my tongue around it.  i listen and delight in the groans of pleasure coming from Master; His hand goes to the top of my head and i know He's wanting more.  i flatten my tongue and slide His cock in.  The steel barbell running along the underside, adding to His pleasure.  i suck as i slide Him in and out, fondling His balls, or wrapping my hand around the base.  my left hand on the side of His thigh steadying myself.  i slide farther and farther, until i feel the head at the back of my throat pushing against me.

i. am. in. heaven.

i am thoroughly enjoying my worship of His cock, content to keep going until He cums.  But Master has other plans.  He pulls His cock out of my mouth and lifts me up off the floor.  Then he pushes me face down on the bed.  My pants come down.  His fingers roughly explore my wet pussy, bringing me quickly to the edge in a way only He can.  Then i'm flipped over onto my back and His cock slides into me.

My pussy is fucked hard and fast, on the edge of the bed.  i wrap my legs around Master's back, my arms around his neck...i want Him as close to me as possible as He fucks me until He cums.

Liebster? (think it means procrastinate)

Thanks to Bonnie over at Bonnie Gets Spanked, I have more reason to procrastinate catching up on the handful dozens of overdue posts!  According to her, it's an award (and I think homework) for encouraging bloggers with less than 1000 followers.  And as I'm not inclined to Google and verify, we'll go with that.  

Here are the rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. Display the award on your blog-- by including it in your post and / or displaying it using a "widget" or "gadget". 

3. Answer 11 questions about yourself which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

5. Nominate 5 to 11 blogs you feel deserve this award, who have less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display the widget that lets readers know this information.

6. Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.

7. List these rules on your post. Once you have written and published it, you then have to :

8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn about it (they might not have heard of it!)

Now that we've got that bit of housekeeping out of the way...Here are Bonnie's questions for me.

1. What is your favorite TV show?

Do I have to pick just one? I love The Walking Dead, Sons of Anarchy, Game of Thrones. I love less violent and more trashy shows like Scandal. And I will totally admit to being a huge comic book nerd and watching S.H.I.E.L.D. and Arrow.

2. Do you like to travel and what's your favorite place to visit?

I like to travel when it doesn't involve my 3 kids. Had a wonderful weekend getaway with Master recently sans kids. I like the undiscovered place the best. Visiting somewhere new.

3. Favorite alcoholic beverage.

Margarita. Just no cheap tequila.

4. What's your biggest pet peeve?

Hmmm.  Biggest?  Idiot drivers.  I have road rage issues.

5. Do you have any hobbies?

Photography though I haven't had much time for it recently.  This blog was to be a bit of a hobby too...lol.

6. Have you ever used any non-sexual items for a sexual purpose?

Well there was that one time with the cucumber. And the other time I rode the chair arm. Few household items turned into spanking implements. Oh and the clothespins (until their banishment). So yeah, think we have this one covered.

7. What's your favorite kink?

Seriously there needs to be an "s" on the end of these. Who can choose just one? Probably a tie between being tied up and being beaten. Totally awesome if done at the same time.

8. Have you met any other bloggers in person? Who?

No, but I think it would be cool to meet some of the wonderful bloggers that I've "met" and who have helped me.

9. Do you have a guilty pleasure?

Teen television shows that are totally below my demographic.  No clue why and my interest comes and goes as the plots and acting start to annoy me, lol.

10. Where is the strangest/kinkiest/most awesome place you've had sex?

Most awesome place was a hot tub.  Kinkiest place was a dirt road bent over the car.  Strangest was a waterbed...it just doesn't work, gave up and moved to the floor.

11. What do you wear to bed?

Nothing unless on my period and then i'm allowed to wear panties.

1.  I've VERY VERY snarky. (ok maybe you knew that one.)

2.  My favorite color is blue.

3.  I hate to have my feet touched or to be touched by other people's feet.

4.  I sang in church when I was child and teen but think my voice sucks.

5.  Even though I'm bisexual, I have very few female friends because I don't really like many women (in the sense that I find it hard to make friends with women who don't annoy me or aren't off-put by my charm snark.

6.  I grew up with cats, but am not a cat person.  

7.  I love Guiness

8.  I find it hard to talk during sex.

9. I hate talking on the phone and will text someone rather than call them if at all possible.

10.  I want to own horses after we kick the kids out of the house.

11.  I've run out of random facts to share.

And now the fun part of passing the joy on to others.  Hmm, who to torture nominate?

Just looking to see who hasn't posted for the award yet...  ponders If you get nominated twice, do you have to answer all the questions?  I nominate...

Congrats!  Your 11 questions to answer should you choose...no pressure...

1.  If you are spanked/paddled/cropped/whipped/etc, which part of the body do you like it best?  least?

2.  Favorite book or author?

3.  Favorite holiday?

4.  Share an embarrassing moment from your childhood.

5.  Name an implement you would like to "retire" if given the choice.

6.  One place you would like to vacation if money were not a factor.

7.  Do you have an hidden talents?

8.  Are you involved in your local scene?  If not, why not?

9.  Does any family/friend (non-kinky) know about your dynamic?

10.  What is your go-to, will impress anybody, dish to serve?

11.  Favorite sex toy?

Saturday, April 12, 2014

He's Home!

i am giddy like a school girl.   But just as nervous.  Biting my lower lip while i follow the 2-foot terrorist around the baggage area.  His plane is already on the ground and we are just waiting for Him to make His way down to the baggage area.

i grab the kid and divert him around in another direction.  He laughs and takes off.  My phone rings.  He's coming down.  The butterflies and nerves have not stopped all morning.  Eight months is a long fucking time to be apart.

i peer through the crowd headed my way for the baggage claim looking for my Master, my husband.  i scoop up our son and start talking about Daddy who he knows only from video and phone calls.  THERE HE IS!

My heart races, overwhelmed with love...with happiness...with desire.  We hug and kiss.  After so long, it's the simple things that mean the most.  Like being able to hold hands.  The toddler recognizes Daddy's voice but not his face.

Master has a colleague with Him so we hold back until after we drop him off.  Hands held in the car on the way home, leaning over to kiss passionately at each stop, leaning my head on His shoulder.  i missed Him so much.  i forgot how much (you get used to it after awhile) until He was there in front of me.

Being able to call Him "sir" and "Master" in person...seeing the smile on His face when i say it, these are the moments i waited for all these months.  It's only for 2 weeks, but we're going to make the most of it.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Are you ready?

It's just after midnight on a Sunday.  i'm tired and my eyes from hours spent finishing up coursework for my two classes.  i yawn and rub my eyes, shut my laptop, and drag my weary body off the couch. i'm just about the turn off the TV when my cell phone rings.  There's only one person who calls this late, though it's morning where He's at.  Master.

"Hello Sir." i sigh.  i haven't talked to Him much in the last couple of days and due to some changes at His work there has been no play or conversations relating to my submission.

"Are you ready for me to come home?"  Yes, duh.  Been ready for months.  "Yes sir, i am."

"i'll be home in 3 days" He says.  WTF?! Why? We're still a month out.  My tired brain spins out while i sputter a response.  i don't remember the rest of our conversation that night.  When we hung up, i broke down sobbing so overwhelmed with emotion.  Then i fell asleep exhausted emotionally and physically.

i woke the next morning and my immediate first thought was that it had been a dream.  i grabbed my phone and looked for an email to prove that our conversation had actually taken place.  No, i'm not going crazy.  Yet.  There it was, an email from my Master outlining his itinerary home and letting me know what He expected me to get done for Him before His return. Cuz, no, the house wasn't clean...i have a terrorist for a toddler. 

The excitement starts to build in me.  He's coming home, He's coming home!  It's a bit bittersweet though.  It's just a temporary return, work-related.  He still has to leave again to go back for another couple of weeks.  But He'll be home for almost TWO WEEKS! (now you know where i've been hiding)

With the excitement came a whole wave of anxiety.  In no way did i feel like i was mentally prepared for His return.  i turned my focus to getting the house ready, shopping for groceries to prepare His favorite meals, and preparing to surprise our kids.  i tried to push all the anxiety down, swallow it, and ignore it.  i focused on my excitement about his return and finally being able to have TTWD be more than emails and phone calls and videos.

to be continued...

Friday, April 4, 2014

Answers: Pearl Necklace's Questions

These questions come from Pearl Necklace over at Happily Surrendered and Submissive.  My apologies for taking so long to get to them.  It's been a little crazy over here this past week few weeks.  (In a totally awesome way, which I'll get to in later posts!!!)

You talk about waiting to physically be reunited with your guy...Have you two shared this D/s life in person or did it start while you have been apart?

Master and i have been together for half a dozen years now.  We have had a fairly vanilla sex life during that time.  Occasionally, we'd try new things, but it didn't delve into anything really kinky until last summer.  i've been interested in (and have experimented with) elements of kink in other relationships, but always assumed that my husband wouldn't be interested in it.  We were both raised very traditionally and i have very different ideas about sex and relationships than He does.  Comments and small conversations early on in our relationship didn't make Him appear very open so i closed down that part of my sexuality.  That causes some problems.

Our communication was never very good, but we had a major fight last summer and after when we were calming down, i finally dropped this major bombshell: that i provoke or continue the arguments so that He'll get rough with me because it turns me on.  The make-up sex we had when He's still mad me, when it's rough, when He's forceful, that i need more of that.  That led to us experimenting with a few things, some rougher sex, some elements of D/s and kink.  Some things went well and we liked, some of what we tried didn't because we just needed more research and communication into what we liked and wanted.

But then he left...for 9 months.  Which makes further exploration really hard.  When you're separated and all you can do is talk, it allows you to work out some things.  We hit a few roadblocks in our marriage along the way, but TTWD has helped improve our communication and also allowed us to better see how we want to shape our future.  

One thing you NEVER thought you would try that you have or are now willing to?

i think the biggest thing that i never thought that i would try is our dynamic.  i always was drawn to kink: bondage, breath play, toys.  But never would I have thought that i would call my husband "Master" and "Sir" or enjoy it!  Or to allow another person to control ALL of my sexual experiences.  Seven months later, it feels natural.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Answers: Misty's Question

Misty over at ASubmission to Submissiveness asked…

Same question you asked me...because I want to know and I don't have enough brain power to think of another one.

My question to her had been "most outrageous/kinky/expensive wish list item for TTWD?"

Well, Misty, i think the bed you picked out is awesome.  Master and i have plans for our own custom bondage bed, but since i don’t want to steal borrow your idea, i’ll pick something different, lol.

This item is straight from our actual wish list.  And i have little girl’s stories about hers to thank for it. This is the Sneaky Pete fucking machine.  At first, i wasn’t sure i would enjoy it, or maybe i wasn’t sure i would enjoy the ways in which Master would use it, but i’m excited about this purchase.

i’m very turned on by the idea of being tied up and fucked with it while Master watches or while He uses my mouth for His pleasure.

i am developing a slight obsession with anal plugs, especially decorative ones.  While looking for bondage rope, i came across Maui Kink which creates these absolutely beautiful wood anal plugs from various exotic woods with gemstone, coral, shell, and glass inserts.  Who wouldn’t want a plug made of exotic Rosewood, Zebrawood, or Bloodwood?  Especially if you had a custom paddle to match it?

Keep asking questions! i have a whole month to kill before Master gets home and He's not letting me train these last few weeks.  

Musings and Remembrance

There’s a wonderful anonymity to this world of Blogger.  The ability to be open and honest about TTWD.  i had a conversation with Master earlier this past week about this and having to keep so much of what we do and who we are now to ourselves.  It gets old after awhile.

I still am not sure which, if any, of our current circle of friends we would ever tell about TTWD openly.  It just doesn’t seem like something that would go over very well.

I am reminded this week that life snatched away the friend that I would have loved sharing this journey with.  He would have loved hearing about all of this, gossiping about it, and helping me shop for sex toys.  No judgement or condemnation.  Hell, he’d be excited and egging me on.

He was such an important part of my life; i love him dearly and i miss him and hate not being able to tell him about this.  This past week marked 2 years since he lost his battle with cancer.  It hits me hard on the anniversary and there are times throughout the year where i catch myself wanting to talk and gossip with him so much.  A smell or a song, a phrase or a memory hits me just right.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Answers: Tori's Questions

These questions came from Tori over at Pain's Pleasure.  Thanks!  It has been fun to ask questions and go back and read the answers.  If you're not playing, you should.  If you have questions, ask them.  There's a whole month to fill.

What makes you feel most submissive?

i really want to take the easy way out and say that i feel most submissive when i’m doing a task for Him, like training, or something that makes me feel connected to Him.  But the longer i’ve thought about this, the more i’ve realized that i feel most submissive when He is being especially “hard”.  (i promise to write about this more in depth as i get caught up, lol)

With our separation, what we have to connect us is communication.  A lot of communication.  i was actually pondering the amount of emails and FB messages the other day.  You would think with the ability to plan out better what i say before i say it, that i’d be able to keep myself out of trouble more.  But no. no, my brain has gotten my mouth into trouble so many times.  And in these times, when He’s correcting me, or disciplining me, through harsh words that sting; this is when i feel most submissive.

i think it’s partly because i am finding that i enjoy when His words are rougher, harsher, meaner.  Not that i enjoy being punished, but being put in my place makes be feel very submissive.  If He was home, i imagine it would be accompanied by His hand around my neck  or another similar action.  Many times, He will tell me what He would do if He were home so that plays into it.

Favourite implement?

Right now it’s one of Master’s old leather belts.  Which is surprising, considering how large our toy box has gotten in recent months.  But as i like pain, it’s the only one that we have that i can effectively use on myself.  Also, it’s a little high up there right now because i managed to bring myself to orgasm beating myself so we have a great a relationship right now.  i thoroughly expect to start a love/hate relationship with it as soon as Master gets home since i am under no delusions that his beatings will be at all similar to mine, lol.

Pretty sure that Master would say that His favorite is the Magic Wand.  This is because He’s sadistic and likes nothing better than torturing my pussy and it’s the perfect device for it.  i already have a love/hate relationship with toy, lol.

3 things you really want to try?
  1. Threesome with another woman.  This is has been a fantasy for me since long before we started TTWD and something that has taken years to get on the table.  And not just to play with Master and another woman, but i would like to watch Master with another woman and not be allowed to participate.  (and i’m totally aware of the double standard between being ok with this and not being ok with additional men…working on that one, but i’m bisexual so this the best of both worlds for me)
  2. Rope bondage.  It’s not something we’ve tried yet but i really like the beauty of the way it looks, the different ties, the colors of the ropes against the skin.  Though it takes a while so it’s entirely possible that neither one of us has the patience for it, lol.
  3. Watersports.  This item has recently come off the hard limits list and it will be something that gets tried when Master comes home now.  i have my fellow bloggers to blame thank for this one, lol.  (i won’t name names).