I am a strong personality. Strong-willed and stubborn, I like to be in control of my life. I want to make my own decisions. So why would I want to be submissive in a D/s relationship?
Even though I enjoy making decisions in my everyday life, I have always wanted my partner to take the lead in bedroom. In fact, I struggle when I am asked to take the lead. Over the years, it has caused problems and frustrations on both sides as neither my partner nor I are getting our needs met. Another area in which I struggle is communication. I blame my parents; they were horrible models of how to communicate effectively in a relationship. So even though I was unhappy and unsatisfied, I never told my partner, just let my frustrations grow. Eventually something had to give. And so this new journey begins.
To me, being submissive in a sexual relationship isn’t about being less of a person. It isn’t about being a doormat; I am not interested in being a slave. Instead, it is a conscious decision to say to my partner I am giving you all the power, I am giving up my control of my body and my mind. You are in charge. My only desire is to serve you and through this service we both receive pleasure.
Is it easy? Hell no. Strong personality, remember? But, to me, this is the greatest gift that I can give to my partner, to show my love and to honor him in a way that goes far beyond marriage vows, washing his clothes, and blow jobs. No, obedience doesn’t come easy. No matter how much I want to love, honor, submit, and obey…I want to talk back, I want to say no, and sometimes I do. I came across a quote in my online research into submission “true submission is when you really, really don’t want to do something, but you do it anyways.” This is where I want to be; more importantly, I want to get to a place where I can keep my mouth shut and not question my Master’s instructions or his reasons. Trust that what he wants benefits him, me by proxy, and that he will keep me safe as promised.
My journey will not be an easy one. I am committed to travelling down this path to submission.