Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Inner struggles

i have been seriously struggling the last couple of weeks and it’s really bothering me.  And it’s causing problems between Master and i as a result.  It seems that the more Master pushes my boundaries, the more i dig in my heels and refuse to let go.  This is not what i want to be doing!  What the fuck is wrong with me?  i want to let go.  i want to push my limits.  i want to further my submission to Him.

It’s this damn inner struggle.

Just fucking stop struggling already.

If only it was that easy.  If only the submissive side of my brain could kick the rational side of my brain.  If only, if only. 

My struggles have caused Him to doubt my desire and ability for this.  He says my dedication and eagerness has waned in the last couple weeks.  My words and my actions don’t match up.  i say the right things.  He pushes me.  i push back (my mouth gets in my way).  He gets frustrated and pulls back. 

He says it’s a game.  If it is, then you are definitely losing.

Just fucking stop struggling already.

i wish i knew how.  He withdraws to let me figure this out and i feel like it creates more struggles.  Now you’ve done it.  Your Master doesn’t want to be around you because you can’t get your shit together.  Loneliness and isolation add to my struggles when He withdraws from me.  i feel like i’m failing.

You’re not trusting Him.

i want to let go, do everything that He wants me to. 

But you’re not trusting Him.

i am sabotaging my submission.  i am ruining this experience for both of us.

Well fucking stop it.

How?  How do i get the rational part of my brain to shut the fuck up and let the submissive part take over?  How do i stop worrying and wondering and questioning every minute of my submission because my brain won’t stop processing everything i do, everything He says?  How do i get my mouth to shut up so my body enjoys the pleasure He provides me?

Duct tape might fix your mouth.

i need to learn to let go.  To enjoy my submission without overthinking it.  i don’t even know why i’m overthinking it.  i want this more than anything and i’m quickly discovering how much i NEED it.  So i need to work through these issues.  i feel like a top that’s spinning slightly unbalanced.  i need to be respun.  But before i can do that, i have to trust the person that i’m going to let spin me.


i’ve been playing lip service to this word.  Telling Master that i trust Him but not really allowing myself to believe that i do.  Maybe it’s the distance, maybe it’s some of our history mudding up the waters.  As i sit and type this, i know there isn’t any reason to doubt Him.  i’ve already done so much for Him, trusting Him with my body (shit, i love breath play).  i need to hold on to that trust and use it to let go.  My submission isn’t going anywhere until i begin to believe that i trust Him and project that trust outward into my submission so that He sees it and feels it.

Let go.  Fall.  Trust.  Don’t sabotage.


  1. Oh scarlet.......I'm soooooo sorry that you are feeling like this. This lifestyle isn't easy as it is and then you add your dynamic into it (him being away) doesn't make things any easier. It's hard to trust when their not there physically. Not so long ago I was feeling and acting just like you are....I got some great advice from a blog friend and she basically said that I needed to slow my roll and be patient....I was in sub frenzy. I'm not positive that's what's going on with you....but I could have written this post, not so long ago. If you read my blog or have read it, you will see similar posts to this one.
    This is s huge step for both of you and you are doing it with a twist...He needs to feel secure that you are in this....and all in....give yourself some time, work on your submission and things will fall into place. Rome wasn't built in a day!!
    Wow it's weird giving you advice that I've been given!! Keep reading out to the community.....the ladies give great advice!!!

    1. i'm sure i'd go completely nuts if i was doing this alone and didn't have this forum and feedback from you guys. i can't tell You how touching it is to read the responses and advice and not feel so out of control.

      Patience is not a virtue that i have nor is failing to achieve (being a type-A sucks). i think my biggest problem is that i can't tackle my submission like i tackle everything else...pick it apart rationally, make a logical decision, and find a path forward. i mean, really, is there anything rational or logical about asking to bound, beaten, and fucked stupid on a regular basis? Until i figure out how to stop trying to rationalize my submission, i think i'm going to have this struggle.

  2. sweetie i suspect you have abandonment issues like me... talk to him. tell him you can't take it when you feel like you're not good enough and he doesn't want to be around you.

    trust me i had those thoughts in my head ALL MY LIFE. i dare say after a string of boyfriends, BIKSS finally fixed it.

    1. oooo... I didn't think about abandonment issues. good call. you may be right.

    2. Not abandonment issues, but a definite long-standing issue with not feeling good enough. And any reminder that i'm not up to par or suggestion that i might not be capable of something magnifies it. (Thanks mom for that.) i've spent most of my life over-achieving to convince myself and others that i am "good enough".

      He knows this and He thought that He was challenging me to push myself, like it does with everything else. And for some reason, this time with my submission, it backfired and i curled up in a ball. Now that i know He is challenging me, next time it shouldn't wreck me like it has the last couple weeks.

    3. just be aware that what we KNOW and what we FEEL ultimately may be entirely different.

      besides, I'm a "needs to be coaxed" more than need to be pushed kinda gal myself.

  3. Scarlet... (((hugs))). Everything you are going through, I have read it is really normal.

    So, in sorts our situations are the same. Yes, i get to see Sir possibly weekly, but that isn't always true. In fact, i don't think i get to see Him for at least two more weeks.

    Your Master is NOT stepping back because you are failing. Quite the opposite. (Sir and i just had this conversation a few weeks ago, so i am giving from what He told me). He knew I was all gung ho in the beginning - sub frenzy. He also knows that i hate to fail, so i will keep at it and in the end tear myself down instead of build myself up. What did do? He stepped back. He would push just enough to see how well i would or would not handle it. If i was showing the struggle signs, He stepped back so that i could have the time i truly needed to re-evaluate myself, what i wanted, what i needed, etc so that the head space would get it all together. Honestly, i am so grateful He did. He would wait until i humbled myself and went to Him in earnest with my struggle. Why i struggled, why i didn't want to struggle, and please help me by offering advice on how not struggle.

    They want us to succeed - always. They want us to fail though. It is part of the process. If we don't fail, how in the hell are we going to learn anything? So, when He pushed really hard and it got to the point I was going to crack, He would say, "do you really want this?". At first, it destroyed me. I then realized, He knows what I am capable of. I just do not know what I am capable of. What do i struggle with the most? Not failing. Well, how can i not fail then? Oh yes, go to Him. Tell Him my issue, give it from my perspective. I always said "i, i, i". It was never "you make me do this, you know i can't, etc". I took the struggle and presented it to Him so He could guide me on how to overcome it. It is all part of the submission process.

    Step back. Look at what YOU want to give Him and what HE wants and needs from you. It is two totally different concepts. It isn't about what you want to give Him. It is about giving Him what He wants. Part of submission is humbling yourself, going to help, and asking for what you don't like to do - help. He needs you, He wants you, etc to be vulnerable. Have you been vulnerable enough?

    This is a process that has no time table. There is not a goal for when you have to be trained. Slow down, look at all He is wanting you to obtain from this journey, and know it will not happen over night. Allow Him to lead. It may be you need to change the way you speak and communicate with Him. It may be that you need to just breathe!

    We are here to give you hugs, support you, and be what you need! You have really come far. Look at that, not what you have yet to conquer because that is for Him to decide, not you.

    Btw, Sir STILL asks me if i really want this? He asks when I am troubled and struggling. i truly have learned it is His way of saying "humble yourself, ask."

    1. You've given me a lot to think about here. Thanks. The last couple weeks have been rough and you guys with all of this advice have been so helpful. And between last night and this morning, Master and i managed to talk out all of this and i feel like we've turned a corner. i feel a weight up off of me.

      i don't think i've been vulnerable enough. and i know that i do need to change how and what i communicate to Him. i do need to humble myself (not something i'm good at).

  4. Scarlet, I am glad that you have talked through most if it and I want to tell you one thing that helped me alot...take your submission one day at a time. Just focus on the say you are in and work to be the best submissive you can that day. Take it as it comes....don't look forward, don't look backwards. It's something us women are not wired to do very well but once i committed to that philosophy, I stopped feeling so overwhelmed.


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