Friday, January 31, 2014

Bat Shit Crazy

This is not the post that i want to be writing.  i want to be writing about TTWD.  i want to be writing about Master and my submission and where we are now.  My school and the kids and these never-ending snow days have me so busy that i’ve had no time to be here outside of lurking and a few hasty comments.  But no, this is not about TTWD…

This post is about my bat-shit crazy mother.  Beware, it’s long and ugly and mostly just cathartic for me.



i think i’ve mentioned before that she’s the cause of some of my underlying issues.  As a little kid, i thought that i had a pretty good childhood.  We weren’t rich but we weren’t poor either.  i grew up a military brat and even got to live overseas for a while.  The experiences that i had as a child because of that i wouldn’t have traded for more clothes or toys. 

As i got older, things either started to change or i just started to notice them more.  i would wake up in the middle of the night to my parents fighting.  My mother started to punish more frequently and more harshly.  Outside of punishments, she stopped participating in our lives.  She slept.  She came out of her room to yell, punish, and watch TV.  Oh and go to church where she got the deep-seated belief that she was right and that the rest of us were her problem.  Meanwhile she ignored her bipolar disorder, severe depression, and suicidal tendencies.

My dad gave up several times.  He would leave for a while, go crash with friends, then come back and try to make it work.  Sometimes for weeks he would be gone; sometimes a couple months.  Eventually, he left for good. He just couldn’t take it anymore.  i think he waited until i was old enough to take care of myself and my younger brother.  My mom would tell us that he was the problem that he didn’t want to live a righteous life.  Then she’s drag us to church and ask everyone to pray for us. I learned quickly that the best/easiest thing to do was to do things her way.  So i tried to be the good, righteous, religious church girl.  i tried not to get into trouble.  i tried to follow all her rules.  i tried to be the best daughter that i could be.  I felt horrible as a teenager and just wanted a normal family.  The inner struggles kept me up at night even when her crying didn’t wake me.  Then add to it the growing attraction that i felt towards the same sex and the overwhelming confusion there.

But i wasn’t good enough.  i wasn’t righteous enough.  i could never live up to her impossible expectations for me and she’d flat out kill me if i was gay.  (at this point, i was already 95% sure my brother was even if he wasn’t)  She didn’t want me to live my own life, make my own decisions.  She wanted to live my life for me, make my decisions for me, so that she could control and manipulate it.  And if i stood my ground?  “you don’t love me!  you are just like your father!  Oh God, why do my children disappoint me?”  And it would go on from there…the Grand Manipulator.  As a teenager, it worked wonders, i didn’t want to make her cry, see her hurt.  i wanted her approval.  i would “straighten up” and try better to do things her way.  i didn’t see it for what it really was.  These games went on for years, further damaging my sense of self-esteem and self worth, my confidence.

Eventually, i had enough.  i was 18, in college, working.  And starting to develop relationships with people outside of the bubble that my mother had kept me in.  Conversations had started to make me realize that she was suffocating me.  i finally found the nerve to move out and go live with my father.  The weight off of me was almost immediate; it was like finally being able to breathe again.  i didn’t quite “go wild” immediately, but i try to put the part of me that followed my mother’s beliefs simply to please her away.  i made my own choices.  i had premarital sex going to hell for that one.  underage drinking that one too.  my first lesbian experience oh definitely that one.  Got piercing and then another one, then a tattoo.  Yep. 

No guilt.  Not an ounce of it.  My father even knew about most of this at the time or found about later and all he asked about was whether i was safe.  That’s all he cared about.  Safe sex and no drinking and driving.  No holding his love over my head so that i made better decisions.

i began to heal.  i would occasion have contact with my mother.  Trying desperately to have some relationship with her.  She is my mother after all.  Our relationship was a rollercoaster.

She would call in a low and tell me that her children were a disappointment to her and that if something happened to her, we could find a letter located somewhere.  i would spend an hour telling her that we weren’t, reminding her of everything that we had accomplished in our lives and reminding her of what she had to live for.  The last time though, i did get pissed and told her that if we were such a disappointment, then she might as well just end her life and i hung up on her.  That was a decade ago.  Guess what?  She’s still kicking!

There have been other events over the years where her attention whore ways and manipulations have hurt my family and i.  She has stolen from us, claiming that belongs that she should have relinquished when she divorced my dad are rightfully hers.  Destroyed memories from our childhood out of spite.  She has caused more scenes than i can remember, drawing attention to herself and her “needs”, always at the expense of others.


About 4 years ago, i cut her out of my life completely.  There was a really good reason, a final straw.  i just couldn’t take it anymore.  More importantly, i had children now and i wasn’t sure i could trust her not to affect my children the way she had me.  My husband stood behind me and supported me.  Again, just like when i moved out, i felt relieved and freed of a burden.  It still took a while to get over the anger and the hurt from that event.  To finally wash my hands of it and not care.  She tries to contact me every so often.  i don’t answer her calls and emails.  my kids do get the cards and gifts that she sends them and i do make sure that they respond to her with thank-yous.
i have waited over the years for her to want to make things right.  For her to acknowledge the hurt and the pain and for her to own up to her actions.  But she doesn’t.  When she calls, her voicemails tell me that she loves me and she misses me and that i need to forgive her and get over my anger.  But she still doesn’t get it.  She can’t.  She’s too narcissistic.  Everything is about her.  No one is right but her.  No one is good enough but her.  She is never wrong.  She will never admit to being wrong.  She justifies all of her actions with excuses and scripture.

i know that my past has affected my present.  i know that the way she treated my father taught me some bad ideas about relationships.  i know that i have a very ingrained sense that despite my confidence level approaching any task that it will not be good enough.  That combined with my Type-A personality makes me a basket-case when it comes to school, grades, assignments, even work.  It even affects TTWD because if i fail or think that i might fail in a task, i balk and don’t want to attempt it.  And i hate it and i hate that i am this way.

So why all this shit about my mother?  Because i got a message that she might be threatening to commit suicide last night.  Because her other bat shit crazy sister wants to as well.  i just wanted to be finishing up my homework last night.  i didn’t want to be drug into her mess.  i told her sister if she thought it was more than a stunt to get more attention to call the cops and have her sent for a pysch hold.  So she did.  Guess it was a real attempt this time.  Wow.  Only the 2nd time in 15 years and maybe 20 threats that this woman has made.  Color me shocked.  Though like the first time, she didn’t actually take enough pills to kill her.  Narcissist, remember?  She thinks too much of herself to commit suicide for real.

 i realize that this sounds harsh and maybe you would have to know me and her and have watched the shit we’ve gone through to truly understand it.  i’m not discounting that she’s bipolar and has severe depression and needs help.  i don’t doubt that she’s in a crappy marriage.  But she’s there willingly.  And she has resources to leave.  She willingly chooses to not get out, to not seek treatment for her mental health because she gets more attention this way.  She enjoys being the martyr.


i spend most of last night pissed off to be dealing with this situation.  And mad at myself because i have no compassion or concern for her.  How sad is that?  My own mother and i can’t drum up the emotions to care about the situation.  i feel selfish because she stole several hours of my precious study time and i feel like a bad person.  i feel like i should care about her well-being, but i can’t.  i’m so drained from years of this that there is nothing left and i just wanted my aunt to deal with it herself.  i cried to Master on the phone about it.  He sent me to bed to rest and refresh.  i woke up this morning still feeling like even after all these years of her hurting me that i’m the one in the wrong.  i hate that feeling and i wish it would go away.   So maybe getting this all out will help me a little.  If you stuck it out to the end, bravo.

9 comments:

  1. Oh Scarlet, my heart aches for you. No words of wisdom or advice, just sending BIG hugs to you.

    xo

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  2. I won't lie, I couldn't read the whole thing, it was just too painful. But my mum and I never had a great relationship, she turned a blind eye to her boyfriend abusing me for over ten years. When she left him and finally admitted to it, we started to heal what was left of our relationship. She wouldn't have a daughter left if it wasn't for my friends. I don't know but I have an idea of how you might feel, and I'm sending you all my love through this little internet connection. xx

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    1. i don't blame you for not finishing it. Mother-daughter relationships can be complicated even when there's not extra drama. i'm sorry about your situation and glad that you have been able to heal your relationship. i don't think there's hope left for that for us. Thanks for the love. These responses meant a lot.

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  3. Scarlet, I am so so sorry. I wish there was more to say but I hope that writing might have helped a little. Sometimes when people that we love are so toxic, you have no choice but to protect yourself and your children. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.

    Hugs to you

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    1. It did help a lot. i was able to post this and then focus on my homework for the rest of the day/evening and then not worry about it much until i got an update last night that she's staying for a few weeks in the hospital for treatment. eh. just feel like we've been here a hundred times before. glad to not be living it this time.

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  4. I get it. I wish I didn't. I mean I didn't go through the exact same situation, not even close, it was still bad but just a different kind of bad.

    There is absolutely no reason for you to feel bad about anything. It sounds like you've gone above and beyond to try to keep a relationship going with her, and there's only so much you can do.

    I refuse to let my dads fuck ups effect my life, I did it for too long. He took my childhood but he will not take my life now. I don't regret the past 13ish years I have spent without him, not even a little. You want to know something else, when he dies I don't think I will care. How's that for harsh? I think a weight will be lifted and I will feel a little freer, because if he is dead I don't have to worry about him trying to see me again, or running into him when I least expect it, or have to hear what he did to land himself in prison again.

    Life isn't easy, the cards aren't always fair, but they are the cards you were dealt, there's no changing that.

    This feeling like you are in the wrong is a habit, and habits can be broken. When you feel this way, I suggest that you go look in the mirror and tell yourself that you have done "absolutely nothing wrong", scream it if you have to.

    There's one more thing, it is painful, I'm still working on it, but you have to forgive her. I know! It's hard! She will eat you inside out, without even being in your life, if you don't forgive. Like I said I'm still working on it, and there's times that I don't think it is possible but, it is possible. Just forgive one thing at a time. And just to be clear, that doesn't mean you have to let her back into your life.

    I could keep going all night but if you ever want to talk just send me an email.

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  5. You cannot help somebody who is not willing to help themselves. I know your mother's type well. I have a lot of batshit, narcissists in my family. I was never good enough for my mother either. It's only been in the past 5-10 years now that I realized that it is because she never felt good enough about herself either.
    But she is not the narcissist, .. it's my brother. He has always been a pathalogical liar, a theif, & a pyscho. He has "attempted" suicide more times then I care to remember. For me, I stopped caring about him at least 20 years ago .. I am very fond of saying that once my parents go, he will cease to exist for me. The only time I ever have contact with him is on those rare occasions he comes home to "visit" or I answer the phone at my parents' place & it's him.
    My poor parents though, they are who I feel really bad for. They have had to live with his drama, his tantrums, his bullshit, his lies, his thieving ways (I don't know how much he has stolen from them over the years .. thousands at least), and the suicide attempts. He is a drama queen, and he has hurt my parents more time that I can remember and way more than he can ever be forgiven for.
    So, really Mickey, you are doing a great job, stepping out from your mother's shadow and not allowing her "drama" to inflict itself on your life & that of your families. Sure she is your mother, I get that, but again, if she cannot face up to her problems & take responsiblity for them .. she has nobody to blame but herself.
    (((hugs)))

    Stay strong!!!!!

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  6. All I can say is that I hate my mom. lol. I thought I was the only one and people are always telling me how I'm wrong. But frankly, she's a manipulative fake bitch and is crazy as fuck.

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