Bat Shit Crazy

This is not the post that i want to be writing.  i want to be writing about TTWD.  i want to be writing about Master and my submission and where we are now.  My school and the kids and these never-ending snow days have me so busy that i’ve had no time to be here outside of lurking and a few hasty comments.  But no, this is not about TTWD…

This post is about my bat-shit crazy mother.  Beware, it’s long and ugly and mostly just cathartic for me.

i think i’ve mentioned before that she’s the cause of some of my underlying issues.  As a little kid, i thought that i had a pretty good childhood.  We weren’t rich but we weren’t poor either.  i grew up a military brat and even got to live overseas for a while.  The experiences that i had as a child because of that i wouldn’t have traded for more clothes or toys. 

As i got older, things either started to change or i just started to notice them more.  i would wake up in the middle of the night to my parents fighting.  My mother started to punish more frequently and more harshly.  Outside of punishments, she stopped participating in our lives.  She slept.  She came out of her room to yell, punish, and watch TV.  Oh and go to church where she got the deep-seated belief that she was right and that the rest of us were her problem.  Meanwhile she ignored her bipolar disorder, severe depression, and suicidal tendencies.

My dad gave up several times.  He would leave for a while, go crash with friends, then come back and try to make it work.  Sometimes for weeks he would be gone; sometimes a couple months.  Eventually, he left for good. He just couldn’t take it anymore.  i think he waited until i was old enough to take care of myself and my younger brother.  My mom would tell us that he was the problem that he didn’t want to live a righteous life.  Then she’s drag us to church and ask everyone to pray for us. I learned quickly that the best/easiest thing to do was to do things her way.  So i tried to be the good, righteous, religious church girl.  i tried not to get into trouble.  i tried to follow all her rules.  i tried to be the best daughter that i could be.  I felt horrible as a teenager and just wanted a normal family.  The inner struggles kept me up at night even when her crying didn’t wake me.  Then add to it the growing attraction that i felt towards the same sex and the overwhelming confusion there.

But i wasn’t good enough.  i wasn’t righteous enough.  i could never live up to her impossible expectations for me and she’d flat out kill me if i was gay.  (at this point, i was already 95% sure my brother was even if he wasn’t)  She didn’t want me to live my own life, make my own decisions.  She wanted to live my life for me, make my decisions for me, so that she could control and manipulate it.  And if i stood my ground?  “you don’t love me!  you are just like your father!  Oh God, why do my children disappoint me?”  And it would go on from there…the Grand Manipulator.  As a teenager, it worked wonders, i didn’t want to make her cry, see her hurt.  i wanted her approval.  i would “straighten up” and try better to do things her way.  i didn’t see it for what it really was.  These games went on for years, further damaging my sense of self-esteem and self worth, my confidence.

Eventually, i had enough.  i was 18, in college, working.  And starting to develop relationships with people outside of the bubble that my mother had kept me in.  Conversations had started to make me realize that she was suffocating me.  i finally found the nerve to move out and go live with my father.  The weight off of me was almost immediate; it was like finally being able to breathe again.  i didn’t quite “go wild” immediately, but i try to put the part of me that followed my mother’s beliefs simply to please her away.  i made my own choices.  i had premarital sex going to hell for that one.  underage drinking that one too.  my first lesbian experience oh definitely that one.  Got piercing and then another one, then a tattoo.  Yep. 

No guilt.  Not an ounce of it.  My father even knew about most of this at the time or found about later and all he asked about was whether i was safe.  That’s all he cared about.  Safe sex and no drinking and driving.  No holding his love over my head so that i made better decisions.

i began to heal.  i would occasion have contact with my mother.  Trying desperately to have some relationship with her.  She is my mother after all.  Our relationship was a rollercoaster.

She would call in a low and tell me that her children were a disappointment to her and that if something happened to her, we could find a letter located somewhere.  i would spend an hour telling her that we weren’t, reminding her of everything that we had accomplished in our lives and reminding her of what she had to live for.  The last time though, i did get pissed and told her that if we were such a disappointment, then she might as well just end her life and i hung up on her.  That was a decade ago.  Guess what?  She’s still kicking!

There have been other events over the years where her attention whore ways and manipulations have hurt my family and i.  She has stolen from us, claiming that belongs that she should have relinquished when she divorced my dad are rightfully hers.  Destroyed memories from our childhood out of spite.  She has caused more scenes than i can remember, drawing attention to herself and her “needs”, always at the expense of others.

About 4 years ago, i cut her out of my life completely.  There was a really good reason, a final straw.  i just couldn’t take it anymore.  More importantly, i had children now and i wasn’t sure i could trust her not to affect my children the way she had me.  My husband stood behind me and supported me.  Again, just like when i moved out, i felt relieved and freed of a burden.  It still took a while to get over the anger and the hurt from that event.  To finally wash my hands of it and not care.  She tries to contact me every so often.  i don’t answer her calls and emails.  my kids do get the cards and gifts that she sends them and i do make sure that they respond to her with thank-yous.

i have waited over the years for her to want to make things right.  For her to acknowledge the hurt and the pain and for her to own up to her actions.  But she doesn’t.  When she calls, her voicemails tell me that she loves me and she misses me and that i need to forgive her and get over my anger.  But she still doesn’t get it.  She can’t.  She’s too narcissistic.  Everything is about her.  No one is right but her.  No one is good enough but her.  She is never wrong.  She will never admit to being wrong.  She justifies all of her actions with excuses and scripture.

i know that my past has affected my present.  i know that the way she treated my father taught me some bad ideas about relationships.  i know that i have a very ingrained sense that despite my confidence level approaching any task that it will not be good enough.  That combined with my Type-A personality makes me a basket-case when it comes to school, grades, assignments, even work.  It even affects TTWD because if i fail or think that i might fail in a task, i balk and don’t want to attempt it.  And i hate it and i hate that i am this way.

So why all this shit about my mother?  Because i got a message that she might be threatening to commit suicide last night.  Because her other bat shit crazy sister wants to as well.  i just wanted to be finishing up my homework last night.  i didn’t want to be drug into her mess.  i told her sister if she thought it was more than a stunt to get more attention to call the cops and have her sent for a pysch hold.  So she did.  Guess it was a real attempt this time.  Wow.  Only the 2^nd time in 15 years and maybe 20 threats that this woman has made.  Color me shocked.  Though like the first time, she didn’t actually take enough pills to kill her.  Narcissist, remember?  She thinks too much of herself to commit suicide for real.

 i realize that this sounds harsh and maybe you would have to know me and her and have watched the shit we’ve gone through to truly understand it.  i’m not discounting that she’s bipolar and has severe depression and needs help.  i don’t doubt that she’s in a crappy marriage.  But she’s there willingly.  And she has resources to leave.  She willingly chooses to not get out, to not seek treatment for her mental health because she gets more attention this way.  She enjoys being the martyr.

i spend most of last night pissed off to be dealing with this situation.  And mad at myself because i have no compassion or concern for her.  How sad is that?  My own mother and i can’t drum up the emotions to care about the situation.  i feel selfish because she stole several hours of my precious study time and i feel like a bad person.  i feel like i should care about her well-being, but i can’t.  i’m so drained from years of this that there is nothing left and i just wanted my aunt to deal with it herself.  i cried to Master on the phone about it.  He sent me to bed to rest and refresh.  i woke up this morning still feeling like even after all these years of her hurting me that i’m the one in the wrong.  i hate that feeling and i wish it would go away.   So maybe getting this all out will help me a little.  If you stuck it out to the end, bravo.

Submissive's Prayer

This might be my new meditation every morning....it's been a rough couple of weeks.

Needs

Can't remember where i saw this, but i like it...

Suggestions Please

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Open windows

i am not an exhibitionist.  i am not turned on by the thrill of exposure or the possibility of getting caught.

However, something that i’m slowly learning is that part of my submission involves doing things because my Master enjoys them.  Or He enjoys having me do them.  it doesn’t necessarily have to be my kink, but i get pleasure from the pleasure He gets from it. That makes sense right?

Exhibition freaks me the fuck out.  It makes me nervous, my heart races, my chest tightens, and i have a big issue with getting enjoyment from it.  For the most part, we’ve agreed to put a lot of it on the back burner till He gets home.

But the other day, i was hanging out in the living room masturbating with the magic wand on my pussy while we were chatting.  He brought me right to edge and He was pushing to see just how far i was willing to go to be allowed to cum.  Would i open the blinds?  A purely hypothetical question on his part and all He was looking for was “Yes Master, your whore would do anything.”

Well, i wanted to impress Him and push myself and be willing to actually do it so i asked a question about what he meant by facing the window.  In my mind, it was a purely reasonable question.  Could i open the blinds, but stay on the couch 5 feet away?  Or was He meaning that He would want me to be standing in front of the window?  Big difference right?

Totally blew up in my face.  He thought i was too far in my head and He plugged the plug on the whole thing and i was left on the edge and grumpy all afternoon.  Sucks when you can’t get your point across with just words on a screen.  Though that was the afternoon before this so i guess the night made up for it.

Master brought the scene back up the following day when i was wearing the bullet.  He allowed me to explain myself better, what my intentions had been the day before, and He wanted to know a bit more about why…

i guess mostly i was so on the edge that it was partly because i wanted to cum, and then partly that i wanted to show you that i could do it Sir.

I like that answer. Was there a naughty thrill in it?

Yes sir, there was.

That you liked?

i did.very much.

Conversation about having me answer the door in just my robe (barely closed), when the UPS shows up.  Or for a door-to-door solicitor.

Would it turn you on?

No Sir...i am not an exhibitionist Sir.  These things don't turn me on.

I know. My goal is to make you more comfortable with that side for Me.

i can be comfortable with it Sir and i am getting comfortable with it.  But You can keep asking me these questions, it's probably never going to turn me on, that's just not how i am, Sir.

Ok. I can appreciate that point.  Thank you for being honest. You want to for Me, but not for you. I can appreciate that.

Do you want Me to push/test your limits or do you simply want to cum?

i would ok with pushing my limits a little Sir

Take off pants, leave on panties.

i stand up, slowly unbutton my jeans, pulling the remote for the bullet out of my pocket as i slide them over my ass and down my legs, keeping an eye on the window for passing cars and foot traffic.

How do you feel slut?

Naughty, Sir

Put the laptop to your left in the middle where you can still type. Put the recliner up and spread your legs some.

i shift around, still keeping an eye on the window.  A car passes, my heart quickens.  i take a picture with my cell phone to show Master later that i’m really doing what He’s asked.

Turn the bullet up high.  It is Sir  Do you want to rub your clit?  Yes sir, very much!

Good. Pull your panties aside and rub your clit until I tell you to stop.

i do as i’m told, pulling aside my panties and rubbing my two fingers along my clit while the bullet still vibrates inside me.  Another car drives by.

Stop…but keep your panties aside. Do you want more?

Yes sir.  Please.

Do you care if anyone sees?

A little sir

But cumming is more important?

Yes sir

Get totally naked.  Stand up and rub your pussy.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  Omg, my brain is spinning now.  What if someone walks by?  At least on the couch it’s at an angle from the window so you’d have to get a good look in to really see something, but standing in front of the couch, i’m really exposed.  i’m practically trembling, but i do as i’m asked to.  Master checks in and asks me how i'm feeling…

Nervous Sir

Ok.  Do you want me to let you cum?

Yes Sir, i do please

Lay across the couch with your head on your side and fuck your pussy with your fingers until you cum. then quickly dress and come talk to Me.

i breathe a sigh of relief, lay down on the couch, grateful to be out of the direct line of sight of the window.  I grab my phone to record the moment, use two fingers to fuck my pussy.  i quickly bring myself to orgasm, watching the window the entire time, surprised i could even cum as nervous as i was.  i turn the camera to show Master the open blinds at the end before shutting off the camera.  Then i stand up and dress in front off the open windows.  My heart still racing the whole time.

During my post-play with Master…

you have shown Me over the last 2 weeks, minus a bump here or there, the lengths to which you will go to commit and strive with dedication to complete tasking, improve behavior, and be the submissive that I desire.  This is exactly what I expect from my submissive that is training, as she should and as such, I want you to wear your training collar.

Stunned.  i wasn’t expecting this.  i did this today for Him to show Him that i can push myself, but i didn’t do it expecting this.  i’m so happy to have pleased Him this much.

His reasoning…

1.  you never asked for it back.
2.  you were willing to simply let go (finally)
3. you showed me that you are taking seriously my wants and desires, no matter what they may be (within hard limits)
4. you did all of this with no expectations of reward or gratitude. Simply of service to your Master. (this is the biggest).

Seven

These are the implements of my destruction…

With 3 classes, there’s no way for me to train regularly.  So we decided that i would have a long training session early in the week and then a couple of short ones later in the week.  One, i can only stay up so late.  Two, yawning is a big turn off.

We could have titled this one “everything but the kitchen sink”.  Well not quite…it’s not even half the toy box.

Master’s instructions had 6 parts. 6 parts!  Shit, Hamlet only had 5 acts!

Act 1 (that’s all me, smartass) – Wear the stainless steel butt plug (which i’d already had in as prep) and use the magic wand w/ no attachments until you cum

Act 2 – Remove plug, use glass wand of your choice in your ass and Jessica (rabbit vibe) in your pussy until you cum

Act 3 – Large pink dildo in your ass.  Spank your pussy 100 times with implement of your choice (i chose the leather paddle)

Act 4 – Leave dildo in and use the 4” curved attachment w/ the wand on your pussy until you cum

Act 5 – Remove dildo.  Fuck pussy with glass wand (the other one). And use the wand on your clit until you cum.

Act 6 – Use white G-spotter attachment on wand until you cum 3 times.

Master’s original plan was a little different, but as we went over it, He allowed me to suggest a few changes.  As He isn’t home and i know my limits a little better, there is less stress and freak outs if we work together.  He also left me with instructions on how to handle myself if things started to go sideways.  His assurances that this wasn’t a pass/fail and that i could use my own judgment if something wasn’t working, gives me confidence and lowers my stress going into these types of training situations.

<I’m going to interrupt myself to say that it’s impossible to maintain a proper anal play diet and my weight loss diet at the same time…just saying…causes issues>

i have to admit that i expected something to go sideways.  There hasn’t been much play/training going on the last week or so.  And there’s been a streak of bad luck here recently.

i turned on the video camera, introduced the video and recapped my instructions.  i laid back on the bed, spread my legs so Master could see the butt plug and picked up the wand.  Turning it on to medium speed, i placed it on my pussy.

My brain instantly flashed back to the day before.  Master teasing me while we chatted, having me sit naked from the waste down in the living room with the wand on my pussy, bringing me to the edge of orgasm…then leaving me there.  My pussy remembers and wants to pick up right where we left off... in seconds, i am on the edge again.

i talk to Master.  i tell how much His whore enjoys having her ass filled by the plug. How badly i need to be fucked.  It doesn’t take long for my orgasm to overtake me, my legs trembling, toes curling.  Why are these so intense?

i remove the plug, and set aside the wand.  i pick up the ribbed glassed wand and slide it right into my ass, enjoying the feeling of the cold hardness.  i grab Jessica and slide the vibrator into my pussy and turn both the vibe and clit stimulator to high.  With one hand holding the vibrator, i use the other to slide the wand in and out of my ass.  i tell Master how much His whore enjoys having both holes filled.  How much she needs to have both her ass and pussy fucked….

Fuck!  i’m paying attention to the wand, to my right hand sliding the glass wand in and out of my ass.  And paying no attention to the rabbit vibrator attacking my clit and….ORGASM!!!!

Well, shit, i don’t think i was supposed to cum that quick. Oops.

Another “scene” change.  This time i lube and slide the large pink dildo up into my ass.  It stretches me and hurts just slightly as i adjust to it.  i lay there for half a minute, getting used to it.  This next part is about the pain slut.  i reach to grab the paddle.  Crap, forgot the massage oil.  I could forgo it.  No, Master will get mad that i’m not taking care of myself.  i roll off the bed clenching my butt cheeks together to keep the dildo in place.  Grab the oil and roll back onto the bed.  i press my butt into the bed to hold the dildo into place and massage my pussy with the oil.

Slap.  Slap.  Count to 20.   Massage more oil.  Slap.  Slap.  Count to 20 again.  Tell Master how much i’m enjoying the cock in my ass and spanking my pussy.  Tell Him how i wish He was here to fuck my ass and spank me Himself.  60 more strikes to my pussy.  i know these aren’t hard enough.  Though i feel like they are plenty hard.  i can’t wait for Him to get home to beat me.  My pussy is wet through the entire time, excited, having missed this probably most of all.

When i’m finished, i trade the paddle for the wand.  This time with a curved attachment.  Lifting my butt up and down on the bed, i rock up and down on the cock in my ass while i press the tip of the attachment up against my gspot.  Vibrations move through my body.  i can feel my juices leaking out around the wand.   push down on my pelvis, i wonder if i could make myself squirt.  Master would love that!  i move the vibrator around inside me, talking dirty to the camera, enjoying the double penetration some more.  This orgasm isn’t as quick as the last one, but it’s more intense.

i stop the camera so that i can get cleaned up a little.  Remove the pink dildo and change the wand attachment out for the little nub.  This time i fuck my pussy with the other glass wand while i rub the nub of the wand over my clit.  i tease myself.  i let myself get close and every time i find “that spot”, i move off of it, drawing out my own torture for Master’s pleasure.  This is not in His instructions, but i worry that i’ve come too quickly the other times.  Finally i let my orgasm over take, surprisingly not from the Magic wand, but from the glass wand inside my pussy with just a little assist from the Magic wand on my clit.  It’s probably the least powerful of my orgasms, but it’s just as enjoyable for me.

And now…the final act.

I think this is Master’s favorite attachment.  It’s definitely an effective one.  i change it out, slide it into my pussy and line the front and back pieces up with my clit and ass.  As i turn the wand back on, i reach over to adjust the speed.  But as i do…fuck, holy shit, oh god!

It completely took me by surprise and i wasn’t prepared for it.  My legs tense up and i start to curl up, muscles tensing as the waves hit me.  These last for longer than the others and as i’m trying to recover, it’s like my pussy clenches around the vibrator and won’t relax so i get a longer orgasm.  When it finally doesn’t end, i’m trying to uncurl my body.  Maybe there was 30 seconds…Fuck, not again so soon!

When there’s no break, the orgasms keep coming, the muscles…not in your pussy, but the rest of your body…start to cramp.  My foot started to cramp and so did my back.  Not to mention that for some odd reason, I DON’T BREATHE DURING MY ORGASMS!  Yes, it’s a little odd, but that’s a lot of oxygen to lose in a short period of time.  And we weren’t done yet because i had just caught my breath…

Oh my god, fucking hell!  Number 3!  I was actually relieved that there was only 3 that i had to have.  i don’t think i would have survived much more.  What an amazing night and an amazing experience.  It’s a good thing we don’t do this everything single night.  It takes my body too long to recover from it.  i should be asleep right now, but instead i had to stay up and jot this down while i waited for my wiredness (is that even a word?) to wear off.

Quality time with Master

This post is long overdue…meh…life…

Technology sure makes long distance relationships much easier.  I remember long-distance ‘courting’ (i was raised very strict and religious…no dating until i moved out and lived in sin according to my BSC mother).  We handwrote letters.  i remember checking the mail every day.  Then email slowly made it’s way into our lives and i would get to sign on, wait for the modem to dial out, and send/receive emails once a day.  It was a tedious process…good thing i knew those relationships weren’t going past the friends stage.  i might have been raised in the church but despite being told all my life that i couldn’t have sex before marriage, i knew i wanted to test the merchandise first.  Partly because i wasn’t even sure i whether i was straight/bi/gay. Last thing i wanted was to marry some straight-laced guy and then find out i preferred women.

i had a point somewhere…oh, technology…

Today, we have email at our fingertips and Facebook messaging.  Skype and Google hangouts for video chatting.  Yes, long-distance relationships suck…vanilla or kinky, but at least we have technology to help us out.

Master and i make TTWD work as best we can with email and chat and phone calls.  It’s not perfect and the separation is draining for both of us.  But we’re getting closer to the end.  The times we most look forward to…the extra spark…comes once every 4-6 weeks when He gets some downtime and i get to ‘see’ Him.  Even better when he gets a little extra downtime and gets an overnight in a hotel so i get to “see” ALL of him.

i was a little disappointed about Aunt Flo showing up a week early to ruin what Master was referring to as “plans of epic proportions”.  Though He wasn’t about to let a little thing like my period get in His was of some fun.  That’s nice, you’re on the other side of the world.  And it doesn’t affect Your libido.

Not sure if it was my hormones being all fucked up from my period.  Or fallout from our argument just a few days earlier and my ensuing meltdown and the loss of my training collar.  i felt shy and awkward “in front” of Him.  Seriously?  You’ve been with this man for 7 years.  Get the fuck over yourself. 

i couldn’t seem to find the words to say or the confidence that i needed or that He wanted to see.  i think i was concerned with playing around my period and i wasn’t really turned on, but was trying to be turned on for His sake or more turned on than i was. He wanted grade-A whore. i’m over here barely pulling off deflowered virgin. i was overthinking everything while trying to please Him.  My brain is my worst enemy.  It’s a great asset to me in everything but my submission.

Talk dirty.  Well fuck, about what?  Total blank, my brain spinning.  Does He want me to tell a fantasy?  Does He want me to talk about sucking His cock?  Argh!  i can’t read minds, i don’t know what You want from me!  i just wanted to cry.  i kept waiting for the blowup, a repeat from the other day, but it never came.  He was patient and kind, but prodding as i muddled my way through it.  Still not sure what the fuck was wrong with me because that’s not usually me.  i think i just put too much pressure on myself for that day.

But it was so nice to see Him.  i miss Him so much.  Outside of TTWD, this man is my husband and there’s much change coming for us this year.  It was wonderful just to sit and chat about our plans.  Inside of TTWD, there was my Master.  i could “see” Him, and talk to Him.  Follow His instructions in real time.  Feel His eyes on my body as i touched myself.  See His pleasure that i’m losing weight and taking care of myself.  i could watch His cock get harder as we talked, as we played.  Watch Him stroke Himself.  Lick my lips and wish that i was there, laying between His legs, taking His cock in my mouth, worshipping it.

Period be damned, Master wanted to play.  i had been allowed to wear just panties for the evening so He instructed me to place the Magic Wand on my pussy on top of the panties.  Oh hell.   He had me set a speed, then another speed, and we talked.  Then we changed speeds.  Then i pinched my nipples.  He took me to the edge and made me wait.  Fuck!  Having just watched the New Year’s video, He was enjoying this torture.  Tears filled my eyes.  i begged and i pleaded…and He laughed.  If He doesn’t let me cum soon, this wand is going to rub a hole through my favorite VS panties! Finally, He let His whore cum.  Thank You!

And then the baby woke up, lol.  (We actually had several interruptions that night, a few cock-blocking phone calls from one of His buddies…then after getting the baby down, i came back to a completely dead MacBook because i’m having battery issues and though it said it was charging, it really wasn’t)…30 minutes later, lol

Round 2 with the wand, this time Master has me shed my panties and grab the g-spotter attachment…i put a towel down and try not to think about my period.  (just not one of those people who enjoy sex during this time).  i try to clear my mind and focus on…magic wand!....Fuck!....did take me a little longer than it would have normally and Master wanted me to cum several times and i couldn’t pull that off, but i did give Him the show that He wanted…plus it let Him plot more of Your destruction with that wand!

The downside to these little adventures…saying goodbye.  They never last long enough.  And they don’t happen often enough.  Only a few more months and He’ll be home.  i can’t wait.