A shower fantasy

Inspired by a couple of recent posts written by lil on her blog, i wrote this fictional one for Master's pleasure...

i am kneeling outside the shower waiting for Master to finish so that i might worship his cock before he leaves for work.  My wrists are bound behind me as i sit on my knees waiting patiently.  I hear the water running and close my eyes, imagining it running over Master’s naked body and wishing i was in there with Him.

The door opens; i blush and drop my head.  i’m afraid that He will guess my thoughts.  His fingers close around my collar and he tugs “Come whore! Join your Master”.  He pulls me along the floor so i dare not stand.  I sort of crawl or skitter over the tile and into the shower before returning to my kneeling position.

Master stands under the water, and i get the full visual of what i had been imagining in my head. i am just outside the water and what reaches me is not as hot as i’d like.  Goosebumps form on my flesh and a shiver a little.  Still i am eye level with his perfect cock, rock hard, water cascading off of it.  i lick my lips a little and feel the heat between my legs, my wetness growing.

“Is this what you want, slut?”  i nod.  His hand wraps around my neck.  I feel it tighten, my airway constricts and my oxygen level depletes.  He pulls me forward under the water tilting my face up.  Water cascades over my face, in my eyes, my nose, and my mouth.  i gasp and struggle a little.  Master pushes me back, loosening his grip and allowing me to draw in a deep breath.  Air, precious air.

His hand closes around my throat again and he pulls me under the water.  my pussy is so wet and not just from the water.  i struggle to look up at Him, this man who holds my life in his hands.  i can barely see Him through the water in my eyes but there is the dominance in his look and the matching hardness of his body.  Again, He pushes me back to allow me to breathe.

This time as his hand closes around my neck and pulls me forward he thrusts his cock forward.  i open my mouth to eagerly suck him down my throat.  His delicious hard cock fills my throat; the water floods my face, running down over my nose and mouth.  i gag a little as the water gets in my nose.

He fucks my face for what seems like an eternity.  Just as i feel like my lungs will explode from a lack of air, he pulls out to let me breathe, then fucks my face again.  He controls everything, my movements, my air, my very life.  In this moment, everything i am is His.  I am just a vessel for His use and i love every minute of it.

When He comes i greedily swallow every drop of cum, hungrily taking what He provides for His whore.  His hands are still around my neck.  As He slowly removes His cock from my mouth, i lick and clean his shaft.  My eyes never leave His face but my gratitude is apparent as i can not speak my thanks.  He holds my face under the water for a minute longer allowing the lesson to sink in a little more…I AM HIS, HE OWNS ME, HE CONTROLS ME, HE IS MY PROVIDER.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just the kids and i this year for Thanksgiving.  Going to my best friend's house for dinner and the weekend.  This is our tradition most years anyways.  It actually feels weird to cook Thanksgiving on my own or to spend it with our family instead of hers.

The upside to not being around your own family during the holidays is that you don't have to deal with their drama.  And other people's family drama is rather amusing.

ha, if only...i wish i was this lucky.  

Instead, i will be shopping...though is it still Black Friday when the shopping starts at 6pm ON Thanksgiving?!  i'll be done and probably in bed before midnight on Friday.  i used to work retail and i know how much that sucks for the workers.  i don't usually go, but my bestie and i thought we'd have some fun (snort) and leave all our kids with her husband.

Ask...

and you shall receive.

Sometimes more than you want and not in the way you want.

i’ve mentioned that the last few week(ends) have been stressful.  Usually by the end of the week, my college deadlines are breathing down my neck, my children are all home and driving me nuts, and i’ve got training or other tasks for Master.  i would love nothing more than to be able to focus solely on my submission and my Master’s desires, but life gets in the way of our fantasy world way too often.

Master has been very understanding this week and very gracious.  We’ve worked each day to find time to talk, time to train and complete tasks, and time for me to focus on school and kids and other “real life” things.

My posts from last week had been the jumping point for several conversations.  Some of it went well, some of it not so well.  i got a wonderful affirmation that i had to carry with me and ready periodically throughout the day….

I am a mother.

I am a student.

I am a submissive.

Most importantly, I AM A STRONG, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I can do ANYTHING.

Today I will shed my fears and pity, and I will show the world my strength.

It has really helped me this week.  And Master has noticed it too.  Thanks to Aunt Flo, it was Wednesday before i got to train for the week.  It pushed my boundaries again, pretending to be with another man while Master (one of His fantasies), talking out how much i wanted to suck and fuck this other “man”.  i think i tackled it better than i have in the past, i hope he’s pleased with the video when He sees it.  Plus after a week of no orgasms, it was really nice to get off.

As we got closer to the weekend, i could feel my stress level rising a little, but i was determined that i would be in control of that.  After all, i can do ANYTHING.  (side note – Katy Perry’s Roar pops into my head just about every time i read this affirmation.  <eyeroll> daughters.) Master decided He would help me keep my stress level down and get everything done.  No more training until my course work was done. Seriously?  Now that’s just wrong.  i just went a week without an orgasm and now i’m getting this week’s taken away.  i was pretty devastated…even though i know that it was in my best interest, it still felt like a punishment.  i really look forward to my training at the end of a long day.

In the end, it was a probably a good thing.  i had everything finished by 2pm on Sunday.  That hasn’t happened in since last term.  i even had time to be sick and go to bed at 10 pm one night! Completely unheard of in my world. The walls didn’t even come crumbling down either.

Come Sunday…i was eager for training.  Or maybe i was eager for an orgasm, lol.  But then Master had some stuff come up and wasn’t able to get me my tasks.  i was expecting to hear from Him at 11pm but it was approaching midnight before i got the first email.  As it was getting late, He suggested that i could just go to bed.  Hell no! i politely told Him i still wanted to train.  He was rushed with work so didn’t have time to plan for me and wanted to know my thoughts.  i suggested the training that He’d cancelled from earlier in the week.  He seemed surprised given how tired and under the weather i’d been and asked if i’d rather just have a fun session with my favorite vibrator.  Tempting…oh how i love my rabbit vibe.  i said no, i wanted the other training.  i don’t want to short change myself.  Besides, in that training, i still got to finish with the rabbit, lol!  Win-win!  If i take this opportunity to be lazy, then i’m going to expect another one down the road.  i want the hard task.  i want to be pushed.  It was worth it; i really enjoyed it.  Partly because i just needed the release and partly because i knew that i had impressed Master with my own dedication.

Still looking for balance between all my responsibilities.  i don’t want to have one area suffering at the expense of the other, especially when that area is my submission.  Still working on letting go, and even pushing my own self to exceed Master’s expectations.  But it’s a journey and even with the downs and little speed bumps, i still enjoy every minute.

The Pain Slut...beginnings

This post has taken me forever to write.  Not entirely sure why but i’ve been procrastinating it something fierce.  Maybe it’s because it involves me eating my own words. i actually tried to go find the exact words that needed to be eaten, but they’re buried in 300k+ Facebook messages. i think it went something like this…

i’m not interested in the pain aspect of this.  i like the bondage and the breath play and the service, and i’m ok with pain for pleasure.  But i’m don’t want to be spanked or beaten repeatedly or super hard, it’s not a turn on for me.

Be careful…your words will come back to haunt you.

It started with a comment that i made while writing about my new nipple piercings.  i said that i was a little disappointed that it hadn’t hurt more.  Master decided that we needed to explore this.  He knew.  They always do.

i was lying on a blanket on our living room floor.  my legs are spread, knees bent.  my cell phone was on the floor next to me, Master’s voice reaching out to me, giving me instructions.  Our video camera recorded my training session for Master to view later.

Massage your pussy, the outside, around your lips. Slow, circular motions.  Breathe in and out, deeply, slowly.

i comply, staring up at the ceiling fan above me turning slowly, the circulated air cooling my bare flesh.  Goosebumps form on my arms and legs.  Master’s voice is low and soothing.

We’re going to be working on a scale of 1-10, scarlet.  1 being very light and 10 being as hard as you can.  Take Trixie (our leather paddle) and give me 5 smacks on your pussy at a 3.  Then go back to massaging.

Just the sound of His voice has me wet.  i take Trixie in my right hand.  One. Two. Three. Four.  Five.  Each light smack makes my legs tremble.  i thank Master after i have finished and massage while i wait for His instructions.

Do you want more? Are You fucking kidding me?  Of course, i want more.  That was barely anything.  i just thought that.  i answered Him with an appropriate Yes Master.

10 smacks on your pussy at a 4, breathe in and smack yourself as your breathe out.   i don’t know if you’ve ever had to self-punish before, but there’s a lot going on right here.  i had to focus on my breathing.  Then hitting myself in the right spot at the right strength, and only as i was breathing out.  Yeah, that didn’t work very well.

Do you want more?  Yes Master, i want more! At this point, i’m getting annoyed at this slow pace.  i’m extremely turned on but i’m not progressing.  But i’m not in control of this training experience and i must be patient.  Though Master senses my frustration in my voice.

Alright my little pain slut, 15 at a 5, faster pace.

As the count (in sets of 10 and 15) and the intensity (up to 7 and 8) and the pace increase, so did my excitement.  My pussy was so wet, my legs shaking, i felt on the edge of coming the entire time.  Harder, faster, stronger…eventually getting the hang of breathing out as i smacked my pussy with the leather paddle.  Even with being able to brace myself, knowing when each smack was coming, i still jumped a little at each one.  But with the sharp pain came the most intense feelings of excitement and pleasure.  i wanted more, i wanted harder.  Though there was only so hard that i was going to be able to smack myself.  Listening to Master’s voice direct me just made me long for Him to be there in the room, taking over.

Yet the entire time my brain is spinning and i’m struggling to grasp what i’ve gotten myself into.  The inner struggle begins.  My pussy loves this!  My brain is screaming fuck no!  You don’t want this.  You never wanted this.  Why are you enjoying this?  What is wrong with you? 

i don’t really think anything is wrong with me, just that my desires and wants are evolving as my submission evolves.  What i do know is that since that first training day, my fantasies and my desires have taken a darker turn down a path that i never imagined that i would want.   i am learning to embrace this new part of my submission…becoming His pain slut. 

More to come…

Masters of Sex

His Slut and i were discussing this show on another post.  If you haven't watched it, you should check it out.  The sexual repression depicted in the show is equally hilarious and sad.  This is one of my favorite clips...wonder what Master would say if i started using the word "coitus".  Not sure why, but it cracks me up when they use it.

Inner struggles

i have been seriously struggling the last couple of weeks and it’s really bothering me.  And it’s causing problems between Master and i as a result.  It seems that the more Master pushes my boundaries, the more i dig in my heels and refuse to let go.  This is not what i want to be doing!  What the fuck is wrong with me?  i want to let go.  i want to push my limits.  i want to further my submission to Him.

It’s this damn inner struggle.

Just fucking stop struggling already.

If only it was that easy.  If only the submissive side of my brain could kick the rational side of my brain.  If only, if only. 

My struggles have caused Him to doubt my desire and ability for this.  He says my dedication and eagerness has waned in the last couple weeks.  My words and my actions don’t match up.  i say the right things.  He pushes me.  i push back (my mouth gets in my way).  He gets frustrated and pulls back. 

He says it’s a game.  If it is, then you are definitely losing.

Just fucking stop struggling already.

i wish i knew how.  He withdraws to let me figure this out and i feel like it creates more struggles.  Now you’ve done it.  Your Master doesn’t want to be around you because you can’t get your shit together.  Loneliness and isolation add to my struggles when He withdraws from me.  i feel like i’m failing.

You’re not trusting Him.

i want to let go, do everything that He wants me to. 

But you’re not trusting Him.

i am sabotaging my submission.  i am ruining this experience for both of us.

Well fucking stop it.

How?  How do i get the rational part of my brain to shut the fuck up and let the submissive part take over?  How do i stop worrying and wondering and questioning every minute of my submission because my brain won’t stop processing everything i do, everything He says?  How do i get my mouth to shut up so my body enjoys the pleasure He provides me?

Duct tape might fix your mouth.

i need to learn to let go.  To enjoy my submission without overthinking it.  i don’t even know why i’m overthinking it.  i want this more than anything and i’m quickly discovering how much i NEED it.  So i need to work through these issues.  i feel like a top that’s spinning slightly unbalanced.  i need to be respun.  But before i can do that, i have to trust the person that i’m going to let spin me.

Trust.

i’ve been playing lip service to this word.  Telling Master that i trust Him but not really allowing myself to believe that i do.  Maybe it’s the distance, maybe it’s some of our history mudding up the waters.  As i sit and type this, i know there isn’t any reason to doubt Him.  i’ve already done so much for Him, trusting Him with my body (shit, i love breath play).  i need to hold on to that trust and use it to let go.  My submission isn’t going anywhere until i begin to believe that i trust Him and project that trust outward into my submission so that He sees it and feels it.

Let go.  Fall.  Trust.  Don’t sabotage.

Service...with a smile

Thinking this would make a perfect gift for Master when He gets home...

Though it's the kind of smart ass gift that might get my ass beat

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Totally behind on my writing and there's a post that goes before this one that i still haven't finished, but i'm procrastinating....

           Ok, so the title is slightly over-dramatic.  my Sunday(s) haven’t been bloody.  But the last two first two weekends in Nov have been rough.  Grade-A meltdown two weeks in a row.

WTF is wrong with me?

            The first week was orgasm denial (as a punishment), additional writing assignments (also punishments) and multiple emails each day to Master, on top of a crazy heavy week in my two upper level college classes.  Oh, and it was Halloween so there was extra kid stuff to deal with.  By Sunday, my body hated me, my brain couldn’t function anymore, and the kids were driving me nuts (it was the weekend, they were home, underfoot, and bored!).  There was no way i was going to get everything i needed to get done finished by the end of the week.  Every bit of further conversation felt like more weight pressing down on me.

And i cracked.  i just lost it on the phone with Master.  i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger.  i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.

Master was well within his right to discipline me further for my disrespect.  Instead, he waited for me to get control and he talked me down off the ledge.  My training for the evening was postponed.  i managed to get my schoolwork finished before my deadlines (barely).  i went to bed vowing that the coming week would be different.

Fast forward seven days…

No punishments this that week (well there was almost one, but it turned out to be a communication issue).  There was a public humiliation, some pretty intense training, a volunteer project, and more course work (can’t wait for that to end).  Master was available for video chat and required a little more time than i was prepared for.  Then there was this fantasy story that i had to write and then record the audio of me reading.  By Sunday, i was staring down the barrel of homework deadlines and feeling the pressure of my conversations with Master.  Every time he would ask me to talk dirty to make His cock hard, i would tear up.  i had nothing left.

And i cracked.  i just lost it while chatting with Master.  i couldn’t do what He asked.  i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger.  i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.

Whoa. Déjà vu.

Everything ground to a halt.  Master was unhappy with me.  i was unhappy with myself.  He started questioning my desire for this.  i tried to explain to Him that it was the stress, that i wasn’t managing everything well.  i didn’t know how to fix it.  Master told me to send Him a letter offering Him solutions to what i thought the problems were.  That i needed to bring something to the table since He isn’t home to see all the other things that get in the way, the real life that creeps in.  After our conversation, i managed to get my ass in gear to get my other stuff done.  Then sat down to write my letter.

Here’s a bit of it…

            i am not wavering in my commitment to You Master.  i am Yours.  i am Your submissive…i have given myself to You, You own me, my body, my mind.  It is my desire that You mold me into the submissive that You desire.  i want to please You and serve You in the ways that You want me too.  i have given up the right to make these decisions about the person that i am.  And You know what, Master?  i am ok with it.  It doesn’t bother me anymore.  i don’t miss the bitch, the hard ass personality.  i am enjoying the “softer” side.  I am enjoying not being in control.  Not having to HAVE the control, Master.

            Yes, there are problems.  And i know that i’m not handling them well.  And that they are causing problems, Master.  i desire very much to seek solutions to these issues that i am having so that i can be right with You.  So that i can please You and serve You, Master.

            i think that we handled a one of the biggest problems already this week, Master.  That was my schedule, Sir.  It was a little wonky as we wanted to maximize our time together this past week, but i think that this week will be different, Master.  You know how much i enjoy structure and order to my life, Sir.  i think that will help me.  The biggest problem will be if we stick to it or not.  As You have seen, i will acquiesce to Your desires almost always, desiring very much to please You, to the detriment of myself.  This causes problems later on that cause me much stress.  i’m not sure if it is possible for me to respectfully remind You of the schedule or if i’m allowed to say no, Master.

            i feel like i’m riding this constant rollercoaster of emotions…highs where i am so happy, lows where i’m so overwhelmed that my brain can’t process a thought.  i’m consciously aware that i’m not handling certain areas of my submission very well.  i think the biggest part that i’m struggling with it the idea that i can’t just freely talk to you about how i feel.  You got very upset when i said earlier that You didn’t care.  And You wouldn’t let me finish explaining.  My thoughts aren’t always relevant to the conversation.  My feelings aren’t always relevant to the conversation.  i may feel or think a certain way, but unless You’ve asked me to share, i really need to learn to keep that to myself.  And i do realize that it has nothing to do with whether or not You care.  But You are in charge, my thoughts and feelings don’t trump Yours and i can’t just blurt them out because they are there.  The biggest problem is that as i’m going through all of this, i want to, i want so much to share all of my thoughts and feelings with You.

  i need my tasks emailed to me, Master.  Not sent in FB where they get lost in 10k messages.  i need my tasks to be assigned and then not changed over and over because a new idea popped into Your head like the other night. or have more tasks added for the same reason.  All this does is cause me more stress or cause me to forget or lose track of things, Sir.    i love the way You did it for my penance sir, it was easy for me find and go back and reference as i needed, Master.

   i want You to push me, Master.  i want You to bend me and mold me as much as You want.  To me, though, that doesn’t me in all different directions in the same week.  i felt this past week like i couldn’t breathe, that i couldn’t catch me breath, i couldn’t think about what i was going through, how i was feeling.  You wanted me to be Your pain slut, but then there was a public humiliation, then full frontal nudity on my blog.  Then at the end of the week, You had me orgasm over and over, admitting to being a whore and being willing to fuck any cock that was available.  That’s a lot for one week.  Yes i enjoyed parts of this week, other parts not so much, Master.

This past week did start off much better though no without its speed bumps.  i received that wonderful "love letter" from Master.  It was a crazy week for me, trying to cram a week's worth of shit into a couple of days before going out of town.  Then Aunt Flo decided to join me on my trip so i didn't get to enjoy my last training session (i REALLY wanted to!) nor did i get to sneak anything with me on my trip for some sneaky fun.

Limits Redux

A couple weeks ago, just after i wrote about my limits, a fellow blogger posted a series about one of her recent experiences.  If you haven’t read Little Girl’s blog, you should…

The Note

The Knock

The Slut

Reclaimed

Aside from being really HOT (WOW!), it did give me something to ponder.  i thought i’d had my own limits figured out.  i’d already discussed them with Master and told  (Told?  Hmm.) Him what i wanted and didn’t want.  Every thing was good.  Yeah, right.

Of my limits, the one Master was most interest in pushing was bringing in another man.  This made me really uncomfortable.  I was perfectly fine with Him bringing in another woman, but the mention of another man makes my chest tight and i start to get panicky.  Pretty much “maybe one day, but i don’t want to talk about it right now” type of limit.

i have been trying to reflect on why one is a limit and not the other.  Why have i given a green light to another woman and not to another man?  What am i afraid of?  It is simply a fear of some sort.  There is no physical issue like there is for other limits.  What could be causing it, and is right?

it finally occurred to me that the issue was not just being with another man, but in my perception of myself and my perception of Master’s perception of me.  Only one time in my life have i ever gotten black-out drunk.  During that time, one of the few memories of that night was fooling around with a couple of my boyfriend’s best friends (handjobs only).  i hate that night.  i lost several hours that night, i have no idea what happen, and while i have been assured by many people that nothing bad happened to me, it really bothers me.. i DON’T lose control.  i have NEVER been that girl. 

It got me thinking if the issue is not that i wouldn’t enjoy it, but rather if i would and that that is what scares me.  That i’m afraid of what Master might think of me if i did enjoy it, enjoy being with another man.  Another woman is harmless enough because we would both enjoy her company.  Plus, Master already knows i enjoy eating pussy.  Another man is something different.  If i’m making this a limit because i don’t want Him to see me be a whore with another man, that’s wrong of me.  i’ve given Him control of my body, my sexual needs and desires.  i can’t turn around and say “no, you can’t see this part of me, just because i don’t want You too”

Master and i said that soft limits were things that we would discuss beforehand and that i could say no on if i felt uncomfortable with.  i found a new “yes-no-maybe” list.  This one is like 16 pages and full of stuff that i hadn’t even thought of.  i filled it out for Master and made some changes from the last one.  There’s still some “soft limit” stuff on there.  Yes, it’s stuff we’d probably discuss beforehand.  But i’m coming to a place where i don’t think that i will deny Him any of my soft limits.  My thought process is that i need to trust Him and let Him have the control over our mutual sexual experiences.  A lot of what i have as soft limits now are things that i’m not sure i can do physically (like prolonged bondage due to joint problems)  or it’s stuff that we have never tried before so for the sake of safety, a discussion beforehand is warranted.  i also think that once we experience a couple of them, they won’t be soft limits anymore and i wouldn’t need the “heads up” if you will.  i’m not saying that the experiences wouldn’t make me nervous or that i wouldn’t be afraid during some of them, but that i would go ahead with them because i love Him and trust Him and submit to Him.