Totally behind on my writing and there's a post that goes before this one that i still haven't finished, but i'm procrastinating....
Ok, so the title is slightly over-dramatic. my Sunday(s) haven’t been bloody. But the
last two first two weekends in Nov have been rough. Grade-A meltdown two weeks in a row.
WTF is wrong with me?
The first week was orgasm denial (as a punishment), additional writing assignments (also punishments) and multiple emails each day to Master, on top of a crazy heavy week in my two upper level college classes. Oh, and it was Halloween so there was extra kid stuff to deal with. By Sunday, my body hated me, my brain couldn’t function anymore, and the kids were driving me nuts (it was the weekend, they were home, underfoot, and bored!). There was no way i was going to get everything i needed to get done finished by the end of the week. Every bit of further conversation felt like more weight pressing down on me.
And i cracked. i just lost it on the phone with Master. i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger. i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.
Master was well within his right to discipline me further for my disrespect. Instead, he waited for me to get control and he talked me down off the ledge. My training for the evening was postponed. i managed to get my schoolwork finished before my deadlines (barely). i went to bed vowing that the coming week would be different.
Fast forward seven days…
this that week (well
there was almost one, but it turned out to be a communication issue). There was a public humiliation, some pretty
intense training, a volunteer project, and more course work (can’t wait for
that to end). Master was available for
video chat and required a little more time than i was prepared for. Then there was this fantasy story that i had
to write and then record the audio of me reading. By Sunday, i was staring down the barrel of
homework deadlines and feeling the pressure of my conversations with
Master. Every time he would ask me to
talk dirty to make His cock hard, i would tear up. i had nothing left.
And i cracked. i just lost it while chatting with Master. i couldn’t do what He asked. i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger. i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.
Whoa. Déjà vu.
Everything ground to a halt. Master was unhappy with me. i was unhappy with myself. He started questioning my desire for this. i tried to explain to Him that it was the stress, that i wasn’t managing everything well. i didn’t know how to fix it. Master told me to send Him a letter offering Him solutions to what i thought the problems were. That i needed to bring something to the table since He isn’t home to see all the other things that get in the way, the real life that creeps in. After our conversation, i managed to get my ass in gear to get my other stuff done. Then sat down to write my letter.
Here’s a bit of it…
i am not wavering in my commitment to You Master. i am Yours. i am Your submissive…i have given myself to You, You own me, my body, my mind. It is my desire that You mold me into the submissive that You desire. i want to please You and serve You in the ways that You want me too. i have given up the right to make these decisions about the person that i am. And You know what, Master? i am ok with it. It doesn’t bother me anymore. i don’t miss the bitch, the hard ass personality. i am enjoying the “softer” side. I am enjoying not being in control. Not having to HAVE the control, Master.
Yes, there are problems. And i know that i’m not handling them well. And that they are causing problems, Master. i desire very much to seek solutions to these issues that i am having so that i can be right with You. So that i can please You and serve You, Master.
i think that we handled a one of the biggest problems already this week, Master. That was my schedule, Sir. It was a little wonky as we wanted to maximize our time together this past week, but i think that this week will be different, Master. You know how much i enjoy structure and order to my life, Sir. i think that will help me. The biggest problem will be if we stick to it or not. As You have seen, i will acquiesce to Your desires almost always, desiring very much to please You, to the detriment of myself. This causes problems later on that cause me much stress. i’m not sure if it is possible for me to respectfully remind You of the schedule or if i’m allowed to say no, Master.
i feel like i’m riding this constant rollercoaster of emotions…highs where i am so happy, lows where i’m so overwhelmed that my brain can’t process a thought. i’m consciously aware that i’m not handling certain areas of my submission very well. i think the biggest part that i’m struggling with it the idea that i can’t just freely talk to you about how i feel. You got very upset when i said earlier that You didn’t care. And You wouldn’t let me finish explaining. My thoughts aren’t always relevant to the conversation. My feelings aren’t always relevant to the conversation. i may feel or think a certain way, but unless You’ve asked me to share, i really need to learn to keep that to myself. And i do realize that it has nothing to do with whether or not You care. But You are in charge, my thoughts and feelings don’t trump Yours and i can’t just blurt them out because they are there. The biggest problem is that as i’m going through all of this, i want to, i want so much to share all of my thoughts and feelings with You.
i need my tasks emailed to me, Master. Not sent in FB where they get lost in 10k messages. i need my tasks to be assigned and then not changed over and over because a new idea popped into Your head like the other night. or have more tasks added for the same reason. All this does is cause me more stress or cause me to forget or lose track of things, Sir. i love the way You did it for my penance sir, it was easy for me find and go back and reference as i needed, Master.
i want You to push me, Master. i want You to bend me and mold me as much as You want. To me, though, that doesn’t me in all different directions in the same week. i felt this past week like i couldn’t breathe, that i couldn’t catch me breath, i couldn’t think about what i was going through, how i was feeling. You wanted me to be Your pain slut, but then there was a public humiliation, then full frontal nudity on my blog. Then at the end of the week, You had me orgasm over and over, admitting to being a whore and being willing to fuck any cock that was available. That’s a lot for one week. Yes i enjoyed parts of this week, other parts not so much, Master.
This past week did start off much better though no without its speed bumps. i received that wonderful "love letter" from Master. It was a crazy week for me, trying to cram a week's worth of shit into a couple of days before going out of town. Then Aunt Flo decided to join me on my trip so i didn't get to enjoy my last training session (i REALLY wanted to!) nor did i get to sneak anything with me on my trip for some sneaky fun.