Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Totally behind on my writing and there's a post that goes before this one that i still haven't finished, but i'm procrastinating....

           Ok, so the title is slightly over-dramatic.  my Sunday(s) haven’t been bloody.  But the last two first two weekends in Nov have been rough.  Grade-A meltdown two weeks in a row.

WTF is wrong with me?

            The first week was orgasm denial (as a punishment), additional writing assignments (also punishments) and multiple emails each day to Master, on top of a crazy heavy week in my two upper level college classes.  Oh, and it was Halloween so there was extra kid stuff to deal with.  By Sunday, my body hated me, my brain couldn’t function anymore, and the kids were driving me nuts (it was the weekend, they were home, underfoot, and bored!).  There was no way i was going to get everything i needed to get done finished by the end of the week.  Every bit of further conversation felt like more weight pressing down on me.

And i cracked.  i just lost it on the phone with Master.  i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger.  i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.

Master was well within his right to discipline me further for my disrespect.  Instead, he waited for me to get control and he talked me down off the ledge.  My training for the evening was postponed.  i managed to get my schoolwork finished before my deadlines (barely).  i went to bed vowing that the coming week would be different.

Fast forward seven days…

No punishments this that week (well there was almost one, but it turned out to be a communication issue).  There was a public humiliation, some pretty intense training, a volunteer project, and more course work (can’t wait for that to end).  Master was available for video chat and required a little more time than i was prepared for.  Then there was this fantasy story that i had to write and then record the audio of me reading.  By Sunday, i was staring down the barrel of homework deadlines and feeling the pressure of my conversations with Master.  Every time he would ask me to talk dirty to make His cock hard, i would tear up.  i had nothing left.

And i cracked.  i just lost it while chatting with Master.  i couldn’t do what He asked.  i couldn’t stop crying. i lashed out in anger.  i felt miserable, stressed, alone, confused.

Whoa. Déjà vu.

Everything ground to a halt.  Master was unhappy with me.  i was unhappy with myself.  He started questioning my desire for this.  i tried to explain to Him that it was the stress, that i wasn’t managing everything well.  i didn’t know how to fix it.  Master told me to send Him a letter offering Him solutions to what i thought the problems were.  That i needed to bring something to the table since He isn’t home to see all the other things that get in the way, the real life that creeps in.  After our conversation, i managed to get my ass in gear to get my other stuff done.  Then sat down to write my letter.

Here’s a bit of it…

            i am not wavering in my commitment to You Master.  i am Yours.  i am Your submissive…i have given myself to You, You own me, my body, my mind.  It is my desire that You mold me into the submissive that You desire.  i want to please You and serve You in the ways that You want me too.  i have given up the right to make these decisions about the person that i am.  And You know what, Master?  i am ok with it.  It doesn’t bother me anymore.  i don’t miss the bitch, the hard ass personality.  i am enjoying the “softer” side.  I am enjoying not being in control.  Not having to HAVE the control, Master.
            Yes, there are problems.  And i know that i’m not handling them well.  And that they are causing problems, Master.  i desire very much to seek solutions to these issues that i am having so that i can be right with You.  So that i can please You and serve You, Master.
            i think that we handled a one of the biggest problems already this week, Master.  That was my schedule, Sir.  It was a little wonky as we wanted to maximize our time together this past week, but i think that this week will be different, Master.  You know how much i enjoy structure and order to my life, Sir.  i think that will help me.  The biggest problem will be if we stick to it or not.  As You have seen, i will acquiesce to Your desires almost always, desiring very much to please You, to the detriment of myself.  This causes problems later on that cause me much stress.  i’m not sure if it is possible for me to respectfully remind You of the schedule or if i’m allowed to say no, Master.
            i feel like i’m riding this constant rollercoaster of emotions…highs where i am so happy, lows where i’m so overwhelmed that my brain can’t process a thought.  i’m consciously aware that i’m not handling certain areas of my submission very well.  i think the biggest part that i’m struggling with it the idea that i can’t just freely talk to you about how i feel.  You got very upset when i said earlier that You didn’t care.  And You wouldn’t let me finish explaining.  My thoughts aren’t always relevant to the conversation.  My feelings aren’t always relevant to the conversation.  i may feel or think a certain way, but unless You’ve asked me to share, i really need to learn to keep that to myself.  And i do realize that it has nothing to do with whether or not You care.  But You are in charge, my thoughts and feelings don’t trump Yours and i can’t just blurt them out because they are there.  The biggest problem is that as i’m going through all of this, i want to, i want so much to share all of my thoughts and feelings with You.
  i need my tasks emailed to me, Master.  Not sent in FB where they get lost in 10k messages.  i need my tasks to be assigned and then not changed over and over because a new idea popped into Your head like the other night. or have more tasks added for the same reason.  All this does is cause me more stress or cause me to forget or lose track of things, Sir.    i love the way You did it for my penance sir, it was easy for me find and go back and reference as i needed, Master.
   i want You to push me, Master.  i want You to bend me and mold me as much as You want.  To me, though, that doesn’t me in all different directions in the same week.  i felt this past week like i couldn’t breathe, that i couldn’t catch me breath, i couldn’t think about what i was going through, how i was feeling.  You wanted me to be Your pain slut, but then there was a public humiliation, then full frontal nudity on my blog.  Then at the end of the week, You had me orgasm over and over, admitting to being a whore and being willing to fuck any cock that was available.  That’s a lot for one week.  Yes i enjoyed parts of this week, other parts not so much, Master.

This past week did start off much better though no without its speed bumps.  i received that wonderful "love letter" from Master.  It was a crazy week for me, trying to cram a week's worth of shit into a couple of days before going out of town.  Then Aunt Flo decided to join me on my trip so i didn't get to enjoy my last training session (i REALLY wanted to!) nor did i get to sneak anything with me on my trip for some sneaky fun.


  1. Wow!! Yes, that's a lot for anyone to handle. It can all certainly be overwhelming at times. Then add long distance and trying to keep everything at home running smoothly on your own and you are in school?!...YOU are my idol!!

    1. i used to say that i functioned better when i was busy. Then my brain got tired of running at that speed.

  2. wow, that is a lot. I do feel you missed something huge...life. kids and your school work. being that you are a single mom at the moment, at times your Master needs to realize that the unexpected stress with kids may mean that some tasks are postponed. Over all, your physical, mental, and emotional well being are the utmost importance. It trumps everything! He needs you to tell Him though. Not just skirt it, but straight out tell Him. You cracking is not the answer. You need to communicate! Tell Him exactly what part has you struggling, what part you need help in. If not already, tell Him the amount of homework you have and how much time you feel it will take. Do not side on error of caution either. You are trying too hard and it's taking a toll on you. He sees you handling, so He is pushing. He is not a mind reader. You aren't being selfish by requesting xyz because of abc, you are informing Him of what is going on and letting Him make the final decision.

    That is just my two sense from reading this and your other blogs.

    1. oh there's a lot of life that goes on around here. :) Communication is not the problem. PROPER communication is the problem. i'm telling Him, but it's coming out as whining and i'm telling Him at the wrong time (when i'm getting an instruction) and so it looks like i'm trying to manipulate Him into changing His mind. Or at least that's how it looks to Him. It's hard, i communicate what i think i need to, and i guess it's not enough or it's not the right way. And He can't "see" what my life/responsibilities really are like so, you're right, He keeps pushing. Yes, there could be a little more give and take on both sides...our biggest problem is the time difference so His time to talk is in the middle of my prime homework time.

  3. Scarlet...I'm so sorry that you are struggling. Bit I agree with HS...you need to let him know what's going on at home. He needs to know exactly how busy you really are. You have a full plate and then to add being a single mother (for now) and no top of that having a long distance relationship where you are trying to establish M/s. A lot of people struggle with living everyday with each other and trying to make a M/s relationship...you guys are trying to do it long distance. Give yourself a break....communicate with him.

  4. There's a follow-up to this that i sent to Him for approval (part of the reason i posted this today). And we had a long conversation about what's been going on. I did manage to get a couple things off my chest that i've been holding onto because i felt that saying them might make it worse. But it didn't. Just need to keep moving forward. Get up tomorrow determined to not make the same mistakes (let's face it, there's a whole shit ton of different ones to make, lol).

  5. talk ! talk ! talk! the others have said pretty much the same thing. Sometimes it's hard to do M/s tasks when you have real life tasks to deal with.

    could the submissive tasks be things that you could do as a way to re-energize rather than tire you out?

    eg, meditate on your submission for 15 mins. instead of writing a story and recording it? cos that takes brainwork and i don't see a lot of space in your docket for that right now. reading you tires ME! LOL

    or his task for you could be to go for a 30min walk? I'm just saying... there are many things one can do to obey our Doms' commands... the key is working out a set of commands to follow that would benefit us both and not stress one out while leaving the other in the dark about our inability to cope.

    *just my 2 cents worth... feel free to ignore if this doesn't seem like it might work for you :) *hugs*

    1. i appreciate the 2 cents and the hugs. It's funny the things You mention, i actually have instructions to meditate in the morning and go to the gym 4 times a week. A really crazy schedule and a grumpy child has kept me out of the gym and i wonder if that has played a part of why i'm so stressed. Thinking i need to try going to the gym before the kids get up and having my meditation while i run, i think it would help center me for my day. Today was to be a test run but i woke up with a knock-me-on-my-ass migraine.

      We did agree after this last writing assignment that it would be the last until my winter break. Takes all the joy out of it because it just seems like more homework. i'm evening having a hard time writing for my blog, and my writing is awfully gloomy.

    2. perhaps it's the distance more than anything else that's causing all this?

      i just think a regroup would be good. And you really have to tell him if your workload is taking up all your time.

      and if you need him to be present even when you feel like you're pushing back, tell him. i often find i don't do well at all when my other half "gives me space". i feel abandoned. but that's just me maybe.... i've learned early on i have abandonment issues. *thank you, Dr shrink*

      so i've made it clear to BIKSS when i got involved with him that i just Can't deal with it. whatever the issue is that we have, distance is NEVER a viable solution. not without reassurance that we're good and we'll get thru it and talk about it on ___day.

      more cents' worth. sorry for the ramble...

    3. It's definitely the distance. Even before TTWD, the long separations are draining. There's a definite shift that has come with my submission, a neediness that i don't think He's used to or expected and so what worked before when we got frustrated (time for both us to chill out) still works for Him, but no longer works for me in light of my submission. Whole new ballgame, lol.


Thanks for stopping by to read my blog. Please feel welcome to post comments or ask questions.