A couple weeks ago, just after i wrote about my limits, a fellow blogger posted a series about one of her recent experiences. If you haven’t read Little Girl’s blog, you should…
Aside from being really HOT (WOW!), it did give me something to ponder. i thought i’d had my own limits figured out. i’d already discussed them with Master and told (Told? Hmm.) Him what i wanted and didn’t want. Every thing was good. Yeah, right.
Of my limits, the one Master was most interest in pushing was bringing in another man. This made me really uncomfortable. I was perfectly fine with Him bringing in another woman, but the mention of another man makes my chest tight and i start to get panicky. Pretty much “maybe one day, but i don’t want to talk about it right now” type of limit.
i have been trying to reflect on why one is a limit and not the other. Why have i given a green light to another woman and not to another man? What am i afraid of? It is simply a fear of some sort. There is no physical issue like there is for other limits. What could be causing it, and is right?
it finally occurred to me that the issue was not just being with another man, but in my perception of myself and my perception of Master’s perception of me. Only one time in my life have i ever gotten black-out drunk. During that time, one of the few memories of that night was fooling around with a couple of my boyfriend’s best friends (handjobs only). i hate that night. i lost several hours that night, i have no idea what happen, and while i have been assured by many people that nothing bad happened to me, it really bothers me.. i DON’T lose control. i have NEVER been that girl.
It got me thinking if the issue is not that i wouldn’t enjoy it, but rather if i would and that that is what scares me. That i’m afraid of what Master might think of me if i did enjoy it, enjoy being with another man. Another woman is harmless enough because we would both enjoy her company. Plus, Master already knows i enjoy eating pussy. Another man is something different. If i’m making this a limit because i don’t want Him to see me be a whore with another man, that’s wrong of me. i’ve given Him control of my body, my sexual needs and desires. i can’t turn around and say “no, you can’t see this part of me, just because i don’t want You too”
Master and i said that soft limits were things that we would discuss beforehand and that i could say no on if i felt uncomfortable with. i found a new “yes-no-maybe” list. This one is like 16 pages and full of stuff that i hadn’t even thought of. i filled it out for Master and made some changes from the last one. There’s still some “soft limit” stuff on there. Yes, it’s stuff we’d probably discuss beforehand. But i’m coming to a place where i don’t think that i will deny Him any of my soft limits. My thought process is that i need to trust Him and let Him have the control over our mutual sexual experiences. A lot of what i have as soft limits now are things that i’m not sure i can do physically (like prolonged bondage due to joint problems) or it’s stuff that we have never tried before so for the sake of safety, a discussion beforehand is warranted. i also think that once we experience a couple of them, they won’t be soft limits anymore and i wouldn’t need the “heads up” if you will. i’m not saying that the experiences wouldn’t make me nervous or that i wouldn’t be afraid during some of them, but that i would go ahead with them because i love Him and trust Him and submit to Him.